2018 Week 14 NFL Predictions – Fantasy Football Playoffs Quarterfinals Edition

Greetings, Fantasy Footballers! Colin Wynner here to add some levity to the most stressful time of the year. And no, it’s not the stress form the holidays, it’s from the fantasy playoffs! Yes, that is a fact, right now those involved in fantasy playoffs are not worried about what gift to get their significant other but rather are spending inordinate amounts of time pondering the following questions: can Patrick Mahomes keep up his amazing season?; will Saquon Barkley hit the rookie wall?; and what is the weather forecast for Green Bay and how will that affect Julio Jones and Devante Adams this week?

After hanging up my draft charts for good at the end of the 2017 season, I have been asked at least a dozen times if I missed fantasy football. My response has been a resounding “NO” or maybe a “Hell, NO!” Of course, I have no idea how I will pay my mortgage in January without the influx of fantasy winnings, but still I have not missed the fantasy football or regretted retirement.

Given that, when the commish asked me to put together a fantasy playoff prediction column, I jumped at the chance. See for me, I am feeling as much stress as your typical Coloradoan after visiting the local dispensary; this would be fun. Yet, I had to ask myself how much I really knew about the 2018 fantasy season. Sure I am still watching and engaged in football, but I doubted if I knew detailed stats about any player, other than what is publicized in the media (for example, Mahomes TD passes). For my prep, I challenged myself to the top 20 at each “key” position – QB, RB, WR and TE – and compare that to actual results. Here are my predictions for QB/RB lists:

QB and RB are by far these two easiest positions to “guess” players in the top. Look there are only 32 starting quarterbacks to start with and, as stated above, I still have a vested interest in the NFL. Meaning I know who I have backed on the road and been burnt (looking at you Darnold), who manages games, who has been injured and who is lighting it up. Pretty much the same story for running backs, teams with a primary RB are well known to me and likely in the top 20 due to activity.

Not surprising the numbers look good! I only missed six players and had five bad calls (all in RB, S. Barkley, J. White, M. Ingram, L. Miller and L. McCoy), the worst of which was the omission of S. Barkley. I guess I completely forgot about him, just like the Heisman voters did in 2017. #StillBitter

The biggest surprise to me was just how much L. McCoy has sucked this year. Imagine having McCoy and L. Bell as your first two picks! Did you imagine that? Ok, now clean up the puke!

Here are my WR/TE lists:

Oh boy! Name recognition can only get you so far. Some good calls, like A. Thielen, but these positions featured far more bad to bad AF calls – K. Stills, Fitz, A. Miller, L. Wilson, C. Clay and D. Walker. I think I got confused on B-List comedy actors when I slotted Luke Wilson into the 19th position. I completely forgot that Delanie Walker was out for the season, which shocking considering I lost a few clams when Mike Vrabel decided to give the ball, on a dive play no less, to the now TE for the Titans, Luke Stocker. The game turned on that play and the subsequent refusal to tackle Lamar Miller on a 98-yard TD run. Lamar Miller out ran the entire Titans defense – let that sink in! Oh, and that explains my Lamar Miller top 10 pick above as well.

And what is a NJOKU? If you asked me who Mark Andrews was last week, I would have told you that famous surgeon, who performs the ACL reconstruction for athletes.

Overall, however, I think that exercise made my point rather well, I really have no clue who is performing well fantasy-wise this season as my lists were mainly composed of name recognition, media hype and recency bias.

Ok, with that aside onto the predictions. Here is the criteria I am using to make these fantasy predictions:

  • Matchup – the single biggest factor in fantasy football is the matchup.
  • Team situation – is the team fighting for something? If not, coaches are more likely to pack it in and hand off to a third team RB, than to risk an injury to a multi-year contracted star.
  • Player – both situation and performance to-date. Look we have all seen it – sometimes these guys lay an egg regardless of the matchup. I think back to Adrian Peterson’s rookie season in 2007, raise your hand if AP killed your 2007 fantasy season in week 14 (me):
    • Week 13: 15-116-2; 1-10-0 25.1 FP
    • Week 14: 14-3-0; 0-0-0 .3 FP
    • Week 15: 20-78-2; 1-17-0 22.0 FP
  • My gut – served me well over the course of 25+ FF seasons, sometimes you just feel a guy is due for a stinker or ready to go off.

Before I get to my official predictions, a few disclaimers:

  1. This is for entertainment purposes, so enjoy, don’t take it personal. Fantasy football is like an Apple Pie from Costco, it’s exceptional, so good that most people grab a slice, what is left, if you’re lucky, is a small piece. That small piece is your skill when it comes to fantasy success; the large portion of the pie is random luck that decides most fantasy seasons.
  2. I am using the “dance with the one who brought ya” approach to lineups. By the way, that is great advice to follow, the last thing you want to do is bench your season-long starting quarterback for journeyman like Ryan Mallet in a playoff game. Don’t over-think it, except for . . .
  3. Weather. Bad weather should give an owner serious concern. It’s hard to predict weather tomorrow, let alone three weeks from now, but we all know the bad weather spots. And bad weather affects teams with disappointing teams more than teams fighting for something. Makes sense, right? How eager would you be to get hit in sub-freezing temps with 20 MPH winds just to go from three wins to four?

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business and start with the futures market, the odds to hoist the “Colin Wynner” trophy (isn’t that what leagues do – name the trophy after a retired legend?):

  • Desperados (+175) – That is a big plus that A. Luck got his stinker out of the way in week 13, also, he has three dome games for playoffs; A. Jones and E. Sanders have terrific match-ups the entire playoff season. B. Cooks and S. Diggs have a tough match-ups in week 14, but each has very favorable matchups in weeks 15/16. {Editor’s Note: Horrible news on Sanders, but next man up, Devin Funchess! Odds went from +150 to +175; The Boys to +225 from +250}
  • The Boys (+225) – Top seed but losing Conner is a big loss, and if that turns into a multi-game absence it will be tough to overcome. That said, this team goes as goes A. Kamara and M. Thomas. The matchups are favorable for both, starting with a revenge spot in Tampa this weekend. After that, a tougher matchup awaits in Carolina, but lookout in the Super Bowl if they survive the next weeks as the Saints boys might light up the fantasy scoreboard for 60+ points.
  • The GSW Rule (+575) – Pulling J. Samuels out of the dumpster may prove to be the key move of the playoff season. How the Steelers use him remains to be seen especially considering the comments by Tomlin about “using a committee approach.” Look Tomlin is an amazing leader, which in the NFL gets you 2-3 wins you shouldn’t get, but in terms of game day coaching and game management he makes Marvin Lewis look like Belichick. I am not buying for a second that there will be a committee, Samuels will get most of the touches. How effective he is remains to be seen? GSW did draw the toughest match-up in the first round, meaning their playoff run might be short lived.
  • Sidewinders (+650) – T. Gurley, who almost single-handedly won fantasy owners the title last year, will be the key. Will the Rams limit his activity? Although the Rams are fighting for home field advantage, I am not sure coach McVay cares, he didn’t last year. That could be a concern beyond this weekend, that they limit Gurley’s touches to preserve him for the playoffs. I am not a huge fan of the match-up this week in Chicago, but the thing about Gurley is the receptions, he might get shut down on the ground, but catch 8-100-1. If the Snakes prevail in week 14 they are very dangerous moving forward.
  • Ragin Asian (+1200) – The “fighting Saquon’s” are the ultimate “meh” team in this playoff season. Not much to get excited about in the lineup but any given week this roster could rise up with a 170 and end someone’s season. Though, I doubt they can do that three straight weeks
  • Weekend Warriors (+1500) – The cliché’s for this team are endless – “just give us a chance” and “everyone counted us out but they don’t know the heart of the 19 guys in this locker room” and “survive and advance.” The formula for success is simple – P. Mahomes, K. Allen and D. Hopkins need to put up 75+ points each week, that should get them to 145 or so and make them an extremely tough out.
  • Runnin Rebels (+1800) – After a devastating 2017 Super Bowl loss, RR’s motto was “unfinished business.” They have a chance but the week 14 matchups for his stars are not good – Zeke v,. Eagles and Ertz v. Cowboys. Gronk is a mess but maybe he will step up for the playoffs. Maybe RR can get the league to pass an emergency rule change awarding 10 fantasy points for every brace a player wears during the game – if that happened, Gronk (elbow, knee, ankle and neck) would post a 50+ on his own.
  • Freshman 15 (+3000) – Le’Veon Bell, Le’Veon “effing” Bell! Unless Newton and Kelce have a 2017 Gurley-esque playoff run this season will end without a title and likely without a playoff win. There are enough wildcards at WR to make things interesting and maybe Lamar Miller will break off another 98-yard TD run, but that seems very unlikely to happen three straight weeks.

Colin’s Picks: 1 unit on The GSW Rule and .5 unit on Weekend Warriors

Before I get to the week 14 fantasy matchups here are my NFL picks for the week, which is what I largely used for fantasy projections.

SuperContest Plays (five best plays of the week):

Colts at Texans (-4.5) – this Texans team is living a lie, while the Colts have played much better than expected this season, yeah they laid an egg in J-Ville last week but this is the NFL it happens. I expect max effort from the Colts and again this Texans is highly over-valued right now. Should be an “over” game, so all fantasy players should perform close to expectations. Pick: Colts +4.5

Falcons at Packers (-5.5) – Stick with me here – Aaron Rodgers seems like a dreadful person; I mean his family is estranged, former teammates struggle to find anything good to say about him and his longtime coach, McCarthy, did not have the affection for him that one would think he would. If add that up the sum comes out that he is a self-absorbed prick. Well, I guess all QB (and most WR’s) fall into that category, so let’s say A-Rod is a self-absorbed prick on steroids. Anyway, I think Mr. State Farm has been playing QB to get McCarthy fired, because he didn’t like “Big Mike.” Now that Mikey is gone, expect the best game of the season from the puppet master – “See, it was always McCarthy’s fault!” Oh and it’s going to be 27 degrees on Sunday, that is too cold for a team that wished the season ended last week. Pick: Packers -5.5

Saints (-8) at Bucs– I will take some grief for this pick as this might be the biggest “square” play of the week. And yeah, it is true I hate laying points in the NFL (home tams catching more than a TD are a modest 100-92 since 2002), but I love revenge spots especially when it involves a guy walking around with a perpetual chip on his shoulder, Brees, and a coach, Payton, who loves running up the score to hide his own insecurities. Remember that modest 100-92 mentioned above, change it to a revenge spot (previous meeting was a win) and home teams are a “foreclosure on the horizon” 19-25. Make it 19-26! Pick: Saints -8

Eagles at Cowboys (-3.5) – I hate this Eagles team, I mean really hate them but, in terms of the Cowboys hype, let’s not pull Vince and Jules move here, and as Winston Wolf put it, “start sucking each other’s *(%^#” quite yet on this Cowboys team. There a ton of reasons to fade this Cowboys team – the offense essentially is either hand to Zeke or throw an out to Amari and hope the tackling is the equivalent of a 4th grade pick-up game; the Boys are emotionally spent after four monster wins in a row, Eagles, Falcons, Skins and Saints; did you know the Cowboys are now everyone’s sleeper pick for the Super Bowl?; and finally, it’s still Jason Garrett roaming the sideline for the Cowboys. The defense is legit but I expect a little let down from them, which might be a good thing for Eagles receivers and Carson Wentz. Pick: Eagles +3.5

Rams (-3) at Bears – The best gift I can receive this holiday season would be the Bears at home in the playoffs favored by a 3.5 or more. Oh man, hello early retirement! That said, this is a tough spot for the Rams – who locked up the division last week and are ripe for a letdown. Weather should not be too bad but I expect the Bears to treat this like their Super Bowl, you know because they know what everyone knows – they have ZERO shot at the Super Bowl this year. Quick tip for Bears fans – make sure you get either the NFC North Champs or the NFC Wildcard Winner t-shirt, don’t hold out for something better. Pick: Bears +3

Still like but these games did not quite make the cut:

Ravens at Chiefs (-6.5) – This is the SPOY! Sucker Play Of the Year! As everyone knows with commercialization of fantasy football, information is available to highest degree we have ever witnessed in history. What that means is the books are forced get creative to churn profits, sure they loot on the 10-team $20 parlays that never win, but that doesn’t get the Sportsbook director his giant bonus. So, what do you make of a -6.5 line, that has crossed over a key number of 7? Doesn’t that create an illusion that “sharp” money is moving the line to -6.5. That illusion is then turned into public betting action because everyone wants to be considered a “sharp.” It’s the ultimate mind game. Chiefs roll – the idea that this Ravens defense is good enough to keep it close is a fallacy. Pick: Chiefs -6.5

Jags at Titans (-4.0) – Think about the Jags season, opened 3-1, essentially anointed as the AFC champs, seven games later they are 3-8 and done. Life comes at you fast when Blake Bortles is your quarterback. And they fit the mold of “out of contention” teams in the last quarter of the season – play tough at home against a division opponent. The other games – road and non-division are mailed in. Oh, and I did mention I hate the Titans and their moron coach. I guess the NFL thinks anyone who touched the cape of Belichick can coach. Still this is a great spot for the Titans. – Titans -4.0

Patriots (-7.5) at Dolphins – See the Bears, this is the Super Bowl for a team with ZERO shot, that team being the Patriots, just making sure you were paying attention. The Dolphins seem to be stuck in perpetual mediocrity, like the movie Groundhog Day, they are just good enough to not get a high draft but not good enough to win something. Beware of K. Drake this week, had one of his biggest games last year against the Pats. – Dolphins +7.5

The “WTF are they doing giving points to anyone?” games:

Jets at Bills (-3.5) & Giants (-3.5) at Redskins – Have to take the points in both games here. I really don’t care if Gary Sanchez (the Yankees strikeout machine catcher) is playing quarterback for the Skins, Eli Manning giving points on the road is free money. Jets +3.5; Redskins +3.5

Lions (-2.5) at Cardinals – Yep, two things I love doing backing Matty Stafford as a road favorite and getting stomped in the balls. Cardinals +2.5

Games I wouldn’t bet with your money (hey wait, I still have a fair amount of “your” money!):

Panthers (-2) at Browns – This Browns team is frisky, well at least they were until last week when they laid an egg in Houston. I guess that is what you get with a rookie QB, inconsistent play. I bet Mayfield is longing for the quarterback friendly Sooner offense and the soft AF Big 12 defenses! Quick tip from Colin – if you want to make some money in 2019 – find out the starting quarterback for the Sooners next season and pound his Heisman futures. That is a virtual lock as Heisman voters are a collection of “Shallow Hal’s,” caring more about physical appearance than substance. As long as the BIG12 plays defense like they have for the last 10 years, the quarterback of the best team in the BIG12 put up numbers that will make Heisman voters drool, even if those numbers have a terrible personality, are selfish and have a steaming case of herpes. Good luck with that. #StillBitterTour2018 Wait, what game was I picking prior to the rant – oh yeah, the Panthers have big problems. Browns +2

Broncos (-5.5) at 49ers – Yuck, Case Keenum on the road giving 5.5. Did you know – Nick Mullens threw for 414 against the Seahawks last week. Yes, he did. 49ers +5.5, to keep it close.

Vikings at Seahawks (-3) – Did you see some guy named Mullet threw for 414 last week v. the Seahawks? Yes, I did. Have you seen this Vikings defense struggle on the road? Yes, I have. High scoring affair here, but Vikings +3 walk off with an outright win.

The NFL double digit dog system (Home Teams >= 10 points since 2002 = 41-35; Road teams >= 10 points since 2002 = 191-218).

Bengals at Chargers (-14) & Steelers (-11) at Raiders – Raiders +11 will keep it close; Bengals (Chargers -14) will not.

Ok, on to what you came here for – the “experts” picks on the fantasy games for week 14, a.k.a. Playoff Round #1:

Week 14 Matchups:

The Boys (-7.8) vs. Weekend Warriors

WW has a punchers chance here but the pressure is all on Mahomes, Allen and Hopkins to go off, the rest of the cast will have a difficult time keeping up with the depth of The Boys. The Chiefs have a supposed tough matchup against the Ravens, though I have seen Cam Newton shred the Ravens defense in the past five weeks. And while the Ravens have played better on defense since that game, their opponents have been the Bengals, Raiders and Falcons. Not exactly murderers row of offenses. I know you are thinking, “wait, the Falcons offense is pretty good.” My response to you would be to read the Atlanta newspaper, rumor has it that Matty Ice’s wife suspected him of cheating on her and wanted him out of out their house but she couldn’t stop him from getting in, so she called the police, who politely gave her the answer, “Ma’am, put an end zone in front of the door.” This number is light at 7.8 but I am taking the points here . . .
Pick: Weekend Warriors +7.8

Deperados (-15.1) vs. Freshman 15

My only concern for Desperados is the WR’s four road matchups, in four outdoor venues, with three of the four in potential bad weather. I really don’t like Cooks this week for a variety of reasons but mainly Jared Goff looks like he spent the bye week pumping iron and the ball felt so much lighter that he overthrew Cooks multiple times. Well, either that he didn’t adjust for the altitude in Detroit.

I hate laying points, absolutely hate it but sometimes you must do it. . .
Pick: Desperados -15.1

Ragin Asian (-3.2) vs. Runnin Rebels

This is the one game this week where I will not be surprised to see a 30+ point margin. Problem is I don’t have a clue which side will win. Maybe I will “please” (opposite of a teaser, where you give 6 points, RA -9.2 and Runnin Rebels -2.8 at 6-1 for two teams) both sides of this and leave an open spot to give me a 3-1 shot down the road. Hmm, if only I could bet on these games.

This is a “gun to my head” pick, and I love those, so gun to my head, I will take the Asian minus the points, simply more explosiveness on that side of the fantasy ledger.

Pick: Ragin Asian -3.2

Sidewinders (-3.1) vs. The GSW Rule

This should be the best game of the weekend, culminating on Monday with a battle of QB v. WR on the same team – Cousins v. Thielen. You can pencil Thielen in for 9 catches, 100 yards, a TD and a couple comments for Peter Carroll. Cousins will need to find TDs to two other receivers to pull out the win. He will, give me the points and a half unit on the underdog money line . . .

Pick: The GSW Rule +3.1 and The GSW Rule +145 money line (.5 unit)

Good luck to all this week – enjoy!

NFL 2012 – Week 17, “Fantasy Teams, Part II” Edition

Part two of the 2012 fantasy teams, this part is the positive side of fantasy football, better known as the players who showed up this season or the “Anti-Eli Manning,” which also works.

Before I get to the teams, I wanted to take a minute to detail the reasons why I won’t be playing fantasy football next. In my opinion, fantasy football has become a commercialized joke.

In the simplest form, there are two personality types of people in the world – Type A and Type B. Type A personality traits include being overly competitive, goal oriented and achievement-driven. Given those traits, it’s obvious that a Type-A personality would measure success in fantasy football by winning rather than enjoyment. On the flip side, Type-B personalities, “do not mind losing and simply enjoy the playing game.” It’s clear which personality type is better suited playing a random game of luck.

To illustrate this, let’s say a Type-A and Type-B engage in a game of flip the coin. Probability tells us that it is likely that each person in this classic duel we will half of the flips. But let’s say the Type-A person goes on an incredible streak of calling the coin correctly ten consecutive times. Type-B guy is like, “Wow, that is impressive . Well done.” Type-A guy isn’t focused on what has happened, they are focused on continuing the streak. Now we all know, that whether Type-A guy has called the coin correctly 100 times in a row, the next call is 50/50. And if thrown enough, Type-A guy will regress to the mean, with streaks of brilliance mixed in. Each “streak of brilliance” is a killer for Type-A because he knows what can be. Whereas, Type-B, is smiling and enjoying watching the coin do a multiple flips in air.

Moreover, Type-B personalities love fantasy football for what it really is, entertainment. It keeps them interested in the game, after their teams are eliminated from the playoffs. I can imagine a Type-Ber giggling, like child watching Sponge Bob turn himself into various household items, when they sign into the league website on Tuesday morning to find out they won. I also think the Type-B guys put very little into the game like, “oh, shucks I missed free agents again this week” or “oh, my guy is on IR, maybe I should pick up his backup.” It’s the social aspect, not results, that keeps them coming back. They love getting together at the draft, maybe running a bit of smack talk during the season, and maybe, if everything breaks right for them they have a shot at a championship, but if not, “oh well, great season, see you all in August!”

I maintain both Type-A and Type-B people are the same when they start playing fantasy football, but any taste of success will drive the Type-A to reach higher levels of success. Soon, winning a division isn’t an accomplishment unless they win a playoff game, and so on. Remember the coin flip example from above. Once they’ve won ten in row, they want the 11th and if they lose the 11th, the other 10 don’t matter.

And that’s the rub, it’s in a Type-A’s DNA to be hyper-competitive and want to win, but once fantasy football has become essentially a coin flip and the losses mount, the Type-A goes crazy and eventually burns out. That’s when you find them holed up in their house buried under hundreds of fantasy football magazines.

But fantasy football has not always been a “coin flip.” In fact, back in the day (defining day – a time before fantasy football was engorged with zillions of fantasy experts, who actually make a living giving make believe advice for a make believe world), a Type-Aer had a huge advantage over “happy-go-lucky, winning doesn’t matter, just likes being part of something” fantasy player, he could out-work him for players in both the draft and the during the season. Those days are long gone, when every fantasy player has access to a version of the “weekly waiver wire recommendations.” There are no longer players that can be defined as sleepers, because once Matthew Berry announces them as a sleeper, guess what, they are no longer a sleeper. And these “fantasy sites” begin their fantasy football year so early and have so much time to fill, that they literally mention every player who might have a shot a scoring a tenth of a fantasy point in the coming year.

Now it’s a coin flip, essentially a lottery ticket where everyone shows up to the draft with a freshly printed draft cheat sheet that tells them who to draft, when to draft them and when to crack a joke about a guy being drafted to soon. These seasons could literally be played out with auto-draft on, for everyone, and then it’s a matter of avoiding injuries and getting the right mix of guys. A lottery draw!

That randomness is what will ultimately drive all Type-A players out of the game, because they know they have less control. I agree that there is randomness is virtually every facet of our lives and that shouldn’t be any different in fantasy football, but I ask you would you be happy if promotions given out by pulling a name out of a bingo machine? Exactly.

Therefore, the question becomes – can fantasy football be fixed? Can we mitigate the randomness and bring the Type-A back into the fold? Sure, I think it’s possible to fix this mess, while allowing some randomness for the Type-B’s. How? Glad you asked, here are some ideas:

  • Snake drafts should be Audi-5000’d immediately. All drafts should be auction style. Sure, it’s harder but they are far less “fantasy experts” willing to venture into the scary world of auction drafts, so it leaves room for an owner who does their homework, prepares a strategy and budget to have an advantage. An auction draft is a lot harder than crossing names off a list and drafting the next available player. Advantage: Huge to Type-A player
  • With snake drafts out of play, it would be easier to convert each league to a keeper league, with a significant amount of keepers, say five or so. When a player is acquired in the auction, the dollar amount becomes his number and to keep that player the amount rises each year. With that keeper amount rising each year, an owner cannot hang on to a rookie like Doug Martin until they have gone from the equivalent of A-List Vegas escort to waitressing the midnight shift in Laughlin (yeah, it happens that quick). This also opens up a bevy of trading options that otherwise would not be available, since at any point an owner may decide to scrap talent and build for next year. To avoid that getting out of hand, rosters are managed by a cap on player salaries. But those type of deals are what would keep a Type-A player motivated season to season, even in the face of losing. Advantage: Slight Type-A player, only slight because Type-A will likely throw in the towel way to early
  • Something has to be done to mitigate week-to-week randomness, whether it’s what I mentioned in Part I about carry over points or an all roster play or a percentage of bench points getting added to the final score. Putting something like this in play, kills two birds with a sinlge stone, as it will penalize the stagnant owner with a roster full of players on IR, but rewards the owner building the strong roster from top to bottom. Advantage: Slight Type-A player
  • Defensive teams should not be part of any fantasy league ever again. In my leagues where a defense was required this season, I witnessed a game that swung close to 50 points this season. And there were several games where the swing was at least 30 points. That is ridiculously random. There is no other position with that kind of swing, even quarterback if you were forced to start that worthless sack of dog crap Eli Manning. With defensive teams out, I would add in IDP and a return position to the weekly lineup. It works like this – one DL, one LB and one DB starts every week and gets points for defensive things – like forced fumbles, sacks, tackles, penalties,etc. The returner position can be any NFL player, but they only get points for returns, however, all returns are included – interceptions, fumble, punt, kickoff and blocked kicks. This gives an advantage to players willing to do some work, since, not surprisingly, most fantasy experts do not give fantasy advice on IDP. Advantage: Type-A player
  • Finally, I would implement something like the presidential veto where a player can potentially eliminate one of his opponents players score. There was an old Sports Illustrated/Athlon game called Paydirt, where each team had a play sheet with outcomes based on actual statistics from the previous season. One of the rules of the game was, when on defense, you had the ability to “key” on one offensive play. If the offense called that play, the result was an automatc no gain, if they didn’t the offensive outcome was taking with no regard to defensive adjustment. My idea would give owners the opportunity to “key” on one of the opponents player. If that player was the high scorer for your opponent, his score would be reduced by some percentage. But if that player was not the high scorer, points are added to your opponent for that week. Advantage: Wash, Type-B player will forget to use this more often than not, while Type-A player will over think and screw it up more often than not.

Don’t be surprised if I come back after a year off with a radical new league that mirrors the above ideas.

Ok, enough about me, let’s get back to the exciting conclusion of the 2012 fantasy teams.

To start off the “Anti-Eli Manning” side let’s introduce the “All-Rookie” team. This season seemed like there was an unprecedented number of rookies who played a major part in not only their teams success, but also their owners fantasy success.

There is an old fantasy football adage that states, “You can’t win the league with your draft, but you can lose it.” You see, most fantasy football championship are won with a fair amount of free agents comprising the winning lineups. Therefore it makes sense to recognize the top free agents pick-ups of 2012, with the “All-Waiver” team.


And without further ado, here are the “All-Fantasy” teams. These are the creme de la creme of fantasy players for 2012. Beginning with the 2nd team, players who were crazy good, but not quite the top.

And the fantasy superstars – the “All-Fantasy” 1st team:

NFL 2012 – Week 17, “Fantasy Teams, Part I” Edition

My final fantasy season has ended, therefore, it’s time to give out the fantasy “teams” for 2012. This year we have a nice selection of teams from the “Winston Wolf All-Stars” to the “All-Fantasy” teams.

Let get it started with the fantasy players who failed to meet the expectations of their fantasy owners, first up is the “Winston Wolf All-Stars.” These are the players who burst onto the fantasy scene early in the year and had their respective owners delightfully giddy until the curmudgeonly Winston Wolf sternly told said owners, “Let’s not start sucking each other’s %^&@$ quite yet!” Well played, Winston!

The “Eli Manning All-Stars,” aka “Fantasy Busts,” are comprised of the worst of the worst fantasy players in 2012. The criteria for this team is simply – highly drafted, highly depended upon, yet sucked worse than Nebraska’s defense in the Big Ten Championship game.

The “Tony Romo All-Stars are comprised of the fantasy who had otherwise productive fantasy years, but crapped the bed with the playoffs on the line in weeks 11-13.

The “Matty Ice All-Stars” are comprised of fantasy players who had otherwise productive fantasy years, but crapped the bed the first week of the playoffs, just like their namesake, Matt Ryan, seems to do on a annual basis.

The “Buffalo Bills All-Stars” are comprised of the fantasy who led their teams to the Fantasy championship, but then went “wide right” with the Lombardi on the line.

NFL 2012 – Week 12 Predictions, “Not Buying it” Edition

Note: I use the LVH Lines from vegasinsider.com. The Super Contest lines are not live, but instead are set and held the entire week.
The “Super Contest” picks:

Oakland (+4.5) over New Orleans – What does it take to be a road favorite by more than a field goal in the 2012 NFL? Well, it takes beating a “circling the drain” team and putting up a miraculous goal-line stand where the opposing team totally butchered not only the play calling but also the execution. NFL fans, I give you the 2012 New Orleans Saints.

What’s interesting is the Saints were -3.0 over Oakland in the preseason, when everyone thought the Raiders would be atrocious and the Saints were a Super Bowl contender, now the Saints are a shell of the preseason image and, true, the Raiders are atrocious, but somehow that warrants a 1.5 movement toward the Saints? Not buying it odds-makers.

San Diego (+7.5) over Denver – So, I am not 100% convinced on this Denver team quite yet, as I think they are the leading candidates for the annual “Winston Wolf, Let’s not start sucking each other’s [BEEP] yet” team. You know the team that looks too good to be true to start the season, has the fan base all-in on them but then falls off a cliff around week 12 taking the overzealous, un-realistic fans with them.

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I thought last week was the spot for the Broncos to lose and they destroyed Carolina. So, this week is the spot, right? Well besides that, here are two more reasons why I like the Chargers this week:

  1. Every week there is at least one game that I will call the “teaser killer” game of the week, well every week except two weeks ago when every favorite, public loving team won and covered (goodness Vegas quit whining about it, I am pretty sure you get it all back and then some). Well, 0this week we have four “teaser” plays where you can essentially get the favorites down to a field goal or less. Play all four of those teams on a teaser and you can get roughly 2.5-1. Not bad considering you get a clearly better team in what amounts to a pick’em. Here are some quick stats to back-up that statement – only 7% of the overall games in the last three years have ended on either one or two points; furthermore, only 6% of favorites of more than a touchdown have landed less than a three point margin; and 86% of those teams have won outright.
  2. This is an absolute must-win for the Chargers. A loss here means the Bolts are, for all intents and purposes, doen for 2012 as they would be down four games with six to play. Factor in the Broncos have Northwest Montana twice (Kansas City) and the University of Maine (Oakland) as three of their remaining six games and the Chargers cannot lose this game if they have any designs on winning the division. The wildcard seems unlikely as well.

Cleveland (+7.5) over Dallas – What would be more “Dallas” than the Cowboys losing to Cleveland at home after a huge victory over the Eagles on the road? Yeah, that pretty much seems like the script for this team, especially with the big “Cowboys and Indians” Thanksgiving day game on the horizon. Personally, I think the Cowboys and Redskins game should be a Thanksgiving staple. And what would be better if in every one of those games there was some egregious call against the Redskins at the end of the game that cost them a win. That’s the Thanksgiving story from the Indians perspective, Pale Face!

This game also has the potential to be a “teaser killer” game and when you throw in the Cowboys are starting a three game home stand, the big national game mentioned above and the fact the Giants are circling the drain, the Boys have some hope at the division. It is conceivable that they will completely over-look this AFC team looking ahead to the two division match-ups on the horizon. So, give me that plus the fact the Browns have been competitive in just about every game this season and I believe the Browns are the right side.

Philadelphia (+3.5) over Washington – Washington is in a similar position to the Cowboys, big game looming on a short week. Here is a trend for you from one of the best sites on the web for a sports investor, sportdatabase.com – teams favored by more than 3, with a Thursday road game the following week playing at home are just 22-36 since 1989.

Perfect, so the Eagles have that going for them. In addition, the loss of Vick helps this team because it will (a), force Andy Reid to prepare and coach; (b). change the focus from the quarterback to the best player on the team, Shady McCoy; and (c). unify the team around the oldie, but seemingly insurmountable, mantra of “us against the world.”

Green Bay (-3.5) over Detroit – Hmm, ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth called Ndamakong Suh the third best DT on the Lions. Yeah, I bet Schlereth would have had no problem blocking him with that little weasel 260 lb body of his. Mark, leave the bashing of NFL players to the guys like me who never played in the NFL. Suh couldn’t give two craps about me talking junk about him, but with you, he is apt to hunt you down so he can deliver the patented “Suh Stomp” to your steroid enlarged head.

The Packers situation coming off a bye week and playing on the road as a favorite, this week has been a very profitable 76-46-2 or 62.3%. And since 2010, when the new practice rules for bye weeks went into effect, this situation is 10-3-1 or 76.9%. So, let me get this straight, I get a 75% trend and I get to bet against the Lions? Sign me up.


The “Apathy has set in” pick:

Arizona (+9.5) over Atlanta – The Falcons can go one of the following two ways – 1. Come out pissed off and drill the Cardinals; or 2. Realize that the division is practically wrapped up and now that the undefeated season cannot happen, come out flat and barely win. Three straight division games are up after this battle with the Cardinals, including a re-match with the Saints means the Falcons will likely come out flat. The Cardinals have some value on the money line as well.

The “Loser is out, uh, so is the winner” pick:

St. Louis (-3.5) over NY Jets – Let’s be honest neither of these teams is going anywhere this season, but you have to like the direction the Rams are headed as opposed to the Jets. In fact, this game is like two cars passing on the road, the Jets headed to “the Arena”, while the Rams are headed towards “the Power team.”
The reality for the Jets is they are much closer to Jack ‘Cap’ Rooney than Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday), nevertheless they still collectively act like Beamen. In other words, Maverick, their ego’s are writing checks their talent level cannot cancel. This team is a complete train wreck.

So, what can the Jets do? Well, for starters they have to address the GM and coach, both need to be relieved of their duties. And for the naysayers who will point out the Jets are just two years removed from the second of two consecutive trips to the AFC championship, I will remind everyone of how they got there in the first place – a lot of good fortune.
Need proff? In 2009, the Colts laid down at halftime of a game they had well in hand essentially handing the Jets a victory that kept their playoff hopes alive. The following week Cincinnati no-showed as the Jets clinched a playoff berth.

The Jets were extremely fortunate to make the playoffs again in 2010, though the 2010 edition of the Jets was the best of the Ryan era by far. Remember the three game stretch of extreme luck for the Jets in that season? Let me remind you, beat the Lions in overtime when a Lions penalty keeps a drive alive and rallied from down 10 with less than five minutes to play; the following week the Jets beat Cleveland in overtime, when again the football gods smiled upon them as Chansi Stuckey fumbled after picking up a first down at the Jets 32; and the following week the Texans were up four with less than a minute to play but decided to give up the one thing the Jets needed to win the game, a deep pass, down the sideline no less.

The “I’ll have the turd a sandwich with a glass of urine” picks:

Houston (-14.5) over Jacksonville, Cincinnati (-3.5) over Kansas City – The first question you have to be asking is “Which team is the turd sandwich?” I am glad you asked. The Jags are definitely the turd sandwich. I know that might be surprisingly, considering I picked the Chiefs to win the division with 11 wins. One would think I would be madder than a “bobcat caught in a piss fire”, but shockingly I still believe there are more redeemable parts on the Chiefs. And we know that, while vile and disgusting, “It’s no slurpee” urine can at least sustain the body’s need for hydration. Outside of the bread, what value is a turd sandwich? The body has already considered it waste once, plus you don’t even get the digestive calorie burn because your intestines are like, “Wait, is that sh.., yeah it is! Boys we’ve got a day off!”

There is very little to like about the Jags. For starters, Gabbert is not the answer at quarterback, despite his comment stating that the Jags are, “. . .happy with their quarterback situation.” Uh, Blaine, get ready for the Tebow circus in 2013. Also, remember when every fantasy geek couldn’t get to the computer fast enough to pick up Rashard Jennings? And yet, four weeks in and the Jags steadfastly refuse to let anyone else carry the load despite Jennings yards per carry barely out-doing the collective GPA of the Kentucky Wildcats starting five. Therefore, either the backup to Jennings is the running back equivalent to Russ Bellomy (Michigan’s worthless back quarterback) or the Jags are determined to pay off those fantasy owners that blew their FAAB budget on Jennings. Even “can’t miss” rookie Justin Blackmon looks lost (I remember ripping the Rams for not only passing on RGIII but also allowing Blackmon to get away from them, glad I know less than Bill Polian’s mailman about talent evaluation).

The Jags have a don’t have simple path back from the abyss, but here is an option that might help – sell the team to the Magic Johnson led group, move the team to LA and, most importantly, change the nickname from Jaguars. You want to rid yourself of all that suck!

The path back for the Chiefs is much easier – fire GM Pioli, Crennel, his staff and start over at quarterback with either Geno Smith or Matt Barkley. The defense, when disciplined, can still play at a high level.

Remember, last week I swore to never, ever, ever, pick either the Chiefs or the Jags again this season.

The “Fool me once, your bad, fool 8 times . . .” picks:

Carolina (+1.5) over Tampa Bay – See New Orleans above. I am just not quite ready to buy Tampa as a road favorite; in fact since 1989 the Bucs are just 18-27-1 as road chalk. Therefore, I am giving Carolina one final shot with this ultimatum – win this week or I cast you into the Chiefs/Jags smorgasbord, they will be the “puke soup.”

The “Reason 1302 why I will not be playing fantasy football in 2013” pick:

New England (-9.5) over Indianapolis – So I heard all week how New England beats Indianapolis, but look for a back door cover by the Colts. OK, so if I logic this out based on that premise being true, then I have the following – the Patriots are going win and the Patriots are going to have the game covered at some point late in the game. I’m always nervous about a late game, backdoor cover against me, but I never play it that way. In fact since 1989, there have only been 35 games where a team favored 7.5 to 10 points has had a game covered after three quarters, failed to cover the final but won the game. So, it’s a bad bet if you don’t believe 1. That a team can win outright; or 2. A team will be within a single score the entire game.

I don’t believe Indy can win this game outright, plus the Pats need a great performance and Indy is due for a stinker. And I truly believe the Pats are up two scores for most of the game.

And I just traded for Andrew Luck this week, so you got that going for the Pats this week.

The “Backup quarterback bowls” picks:

Pittsburgh (+3.5) over Baltimore – If you happen to be a player on the Steelers not named Ben Roethlisberger would you have a chip on your shoulder since this line moved seven points once word came out that Big Ben was sitting out? I certainly would. And don’t rule out the impact of Roethlisberger being out in terms of the Ravens, there will be a certain amount of letdown by them and when coupled with the added focus by the Steelers, this is stealing money.

Look this game is always a battle, a la, “Zach v. C.J,” from the Battle of the Seasons in the “physical” challenge in the Arena this week. Side tangent – that was as good of a battle as you can get in reality TV. First off, I was overly impressed by the grittiness of C.J., until Zach mentioned that C.J. was a MMA fighter. After that it didn’t seem like as big of a deal, despite the fact Zach is like twice as big. Anyway, props to Zach, who once he out-thought C.J., he really had him at his mercy.

One more thing on C.J,, I love that he has the bible verses like Tebow on his eye black, but that had to create some serious conflicts for MTV, right? Like I can imagine prior to bringing C.J. on the show, they had him in and told him, “Look, we are fine with you putting the bible verses on your eye black and you can talk mention God a half dozen times or so, but one mention of Jesus and you’re done, we will erase you from all episodes.”

I think the Steelers show up with a gritty, C.J.-esque performance.

Chicago (+6.0) over San Francisco – This is way too many points for a team that relies on defense, special teams and is balancesd on offense, Cutler or no Cutler. It’s not like the Bears are handing the reins over to Caleb Hanie, this is a proven, moderately successful quarterback in Jason Campbell. It’s not fair to judge Campbell on the performance against the Texans where the weather was a joke, he had to come in off the bench and it was the Texans defense after all. With a full week of reps, he will be much better and give the Bears an opportunity to win.

Good luck this week.

2012 NFL Predictions – Week 6, “Thursday” Edition

Most years about this time, I start to whisper, “Wow, it’s already week six, this year is going by too fast!” This year, however, it’s more like, “Is it over yet?” Translation – it is getting tougher with each passing year to enjoy the NFL. The several reasons for this, but at the forefront is the reality that the league is watered down with essentially random results week in and week out. That makes it tough to be successful handicapper, fantasy player or pool participant.

Sunday afternoon I texted a buddy this message, “If I go 0-5 this week, I think I’m be done with football.” Turns out, I went 1-4, but the fact remains, I almost called it a career before finding some fire to help me move forward this week. Still, I was close. Someday, I envision myself running a rehab center for addicted fans of football – the name of the center “One Game At A Time.”

And by “calling it a career”, I mean freaking going “cold turkey” without any peripheral football – no Sunday Ticket, no NFL rewind, no football related subscriptions, no picks columns, no picks, no bets, no pools and no fantasy. Well to be honest I have about 278 reasons why fantasy football is gone after this year regardless of whether I retire or not, but you get the idea, I would watch occasionally, but watch for the purity of the game, which would put all the power back in my hands.

I no longer sit through a crappy performance by my team just because they are the final play on a three team teaser. It wouldn’t take me nince hours to vacuum a house that normally takes 1.5 hours (humble brag, right! Yeah, I live in a mansion that normally takes 90 minutes to vacuum), I wouldn’t have to watch an otherwise unwatchable Monday night game because I have fantasy player X going against fantasy player Y. And I wouldn’t have to spend the time I spend on this freaking sport!

Some day very soon, you might show up on this site to see what teams you want to fade for the week and see the following:

I’M OUT THIS BITCH!

OK, enough about me, on to the game:

Pittsburgh (-6.0) @ Tennessee – The NFL changed the Rashard Mendenhall rushing touchdown to a receiving touchdown this week. Real nice, thanks, NFL. The effects of this monumental change will be felt for years to come as all fantasy league commissioners scurry to update the week 5 stat changes. In one of my leagues a two games will be affected where both winning teams will see a win snatched from their helpless hands. Great, I already had to sweat the Sunday and Monday night games, now I have to wait out the NFL until Thursday to make sure I get the win.

The ridiculous part of this change is that it was obvious that it was a touchdown pass in live action and even more apparent on the replay, how did it get by the officials? I thought the “real” refs were back. Honestly, the real ref vs. scab ref is a little like trying to tell the difference between New Coke and Classic Coke. If I am a ardent Classic Coke drinker and you put a can of New Coke in front of me, I would rather go thirsty than drink that crap. But if you blindfold me and give it to me, I couldn’t tell the difference. That’s pretty much how I feel about the scabs and the regular refs, don’t tell me and, for goodness sake, don’t let them speak and I probably couldn’t tell the difference.

  1. Rashard Mendenhall looked fantastic last weekend, so much that I actually might recommend suffering a torn ACL in week 16 of the previous season. Kidding, kidding, but he looks faster and shifter than ever. Of course, that might be the Jonathon Dwyer and Isaac Redman effect as well.
  2. We know the weapons the Steelers have on the outside, but don’t forget about Heath Miller tonight. In fact if you have a chance to play a few props, I would strongly recommend Miller for 1st touchdown, over 45 yards and “Yes” he will score a touchdown. The Titans can’t cover anyone, but they are atrocious against the tight end.

  3. The Titans might be the worst team in the NFL, but their emotionally leader, Chris Johnson, commented this week:

    “We need somebody in this locker room to make plays and give us a spark.”

    Uh, you mean somebody like you? I mean CJ_K the Titans have all that money tied up in you, I think they expect you to make plays and give them a spark. Wow, totally clueless. If I am Titans ownership, I would be willing to give Titans coach Mike Munchak another year sans CJ_K. I have to believe CJ_K is impacting the morale and chemistry of a very young team. In fact, the Titans would be better off just cutting his lousy ass right now.

  4. Matt Hasselbeck has been a solid quarterback to back as the starter for a home team underdog over his career, but this is not the Seattle Hasselbeck, this is the “I am hanging on for a paycheck while trying to mentor a young guy into a great quarterback, so I can someday land a head coaching job and continue to be the favorite son over my d-bag brother who is a self proclaimed fantasy football expert, yet somehow pops is favoring him because he gave him Alfred Morris as a sleeper this year” Hasselbeck. Remember, when Michael Jordan went to the Wizards? Albeit smaller scale, but just as big of a drop-off.
  5. The only way the Steelers don’t cover this number is if they come out flat. I don’t see that happening. Why? Well, while it might be might be thin, I checked out Roethlisberger’s biorhythm chart for 10/12/2012. Here it is:

The above shows Roethlisberger is ready to peak physically, which is good news. He is also very high emotionally, which will allow him to withstand the numerous “you’re a raper” taunts. Unfortunately, Big Ben’s intellect is so far down that if given the Wonderlich test before the game tonight, Vince Young might look like a genius. I have a solution for that – don’t let Ben call the plays or audible. Ben never calls the plays, so that part is a non factor. In terms of audibling, the Titans won’t present anything overly complicated nor present much resistance, therefore, even poor decisions by Big Ben likely won’t cost the Steelers.

Pick: Pittsburgh -6.0

Disclaimer: I use the LVH Lines from vegasinsider.com. The Super Contest lines are not live, but instead are set and held the entire week. In cases where I’ve made a contest pick, I will use that line, as opposed to the current line. Yeah, it’s a bit of a cheat and you wouldn’t be able to get that line once you’ve printed out my picks to head to the betting window but in the rare event that I win a contest bet but caught in the middle on a live play, rest assured I will adjust my record.

A Fantasy Football Draft Day Running Log – Part II “Sizzling” Edition

OK, it’s on to PART II, trust me here the sequel is much better than the original, of the marathon 2-day running log capturing the excitement and pageantry of two live fantasy football drafts. This year features the 20 year anniversary of one of leagues with draft held in the fabulous outer layer of hell, Las Vegas. And as always Colin’s here to detail the events, while providing his expert opinion in calling the fantasy winners and losers.

With the first, painful leg of the journey finally over, we are on to the second portion including the details of the travel and the lead up to the draft.

12:05 PM – Home, packed and ready for an early morning flight to Vegas. I am re-watching the Seahawks battering of the Chiefs. Maybe I should re-think the Chiefs as my surprise winner of the AFC West or maybe the Seahawks are simply that good. I think the latter.

5:00 AM – I am running on adrenaline with a mere five hours of sleep. Shower, protein shake, grab my gear and I am off. My ride has graciously brought me an 800 calorie breakfast burrito. Good move by him, sometimes you can forget to eat in Vegas which generally means trouble.

8:15 AM – Flights on time, so far everything working like clockwork, good sign for bringing down a few blackjack tables prior to showing up for the draft. Hell, there might be enough time to do enough damage to get something comp’d prior to the draft.

8:30 AM – You know what pisses me off? The fact that I have to turn off my phone prior to takeoff, but I can use the $800/minute phone they provide to us. Goodness, if my device can interfere with the plane’s ability to take off, maybe we shouldn’t be flying, right? And if it screws up the flight plan and we end up in Billings, Montana, well then, I guess this draft just wasn’t meant to be.

10:30 AM – Bags checked at the hotel, on our way to the LVH to get down on some football futures and maybe enter the LVH SuperContest. LVH used to be known as the Las Vegas Hilton, but I guess the self righteous pricks running the Hilton decided they no longer wanted their name associated with gambling and pulled out (which makes me think of Terrell Owens and his ten kids. Bro, if you just pulled out half the time, think of how much of that coin you would have left!). To which the owners decided to stick it to the Hilton by renaming the hotel to LVH, essentially the same thing, only now it’s the Las Vegas Hotel. Well played, LVH, well played!

11:15 AM – I used to believe only degenerates bet on pre-season football, now I realize that the sports market is about value and it doesn’t matter whether it’s pre-season. By the way, I just laid $100 down on the WNBA Sun/Mercury under!

11:45 AM – Going for an entry in the SuperContest with a five team two way round robin and two first half NFL bets, which of course they won’t let you parlay. The first halves – Wash -3 over Indy (RG III v. Luck, in what I call the “Mine’s bigger than yours” bowl) and Dallas -3 over St. Louis (in what I like to call the “Free Money” bowl, because you know books love to give money away). The five teams on the round robin – Wash -3, Wash/Ind over 41, Dal -5.5, Dal/St. Louis Under 39 and Detroit -2.5 over Oakland. I don’t like the Lions, because I generally feel like home teams in week three play to win, but let’s go with it.

1:00PM – Oh the irony, I ran into a guy from Colorado, who is in town for a fantasy draft. Hmmm, interesting! After he told me how much his draft sucks, too time consuming, tired of traveling, hates Vegas,etc, he went into the story of how they decided to do the 25th in Vegas about five years ago. I thought, wow, after I did a simple calculation in my head, this must be the 30th then. I asked him, “What year is this, then?” He tells me it’s the 26th! Huh? I give him a confused look, to which he tells me, “no we came up for our 20th, now it’s a ritual.” Then I asked him why the draft sucks, he tells me, “Well, it blows traveling for a draft. And we basically just get a room, an over-priced room and that’s it. We could do that in Denver.” Ahh, I get it and I agree, right? If you go to Vegas for a draft it has to be memorable. All this happened during a piss break.

1:15 PM – This is a whirlwind trip to begin with, now we are casino hopping trying find a place to hammer out a few hundred prior to meeting at the draft. A couple things don on me as we are walking down the Strip – 1. This place is quite tame during the day, almost like a real city that you could actually enjoy. You never know at night it turns into a living hell!; and 2. It’s hot, like crazy hot. I thought how the hell do people go out in this heat walk from casino to casino, then sit down at a table to gamble without smelling like the unmapped floor of a peepshow? Actually, I am wondering if maybe that could be a strategy I should employ, like maybe I could throw the dealer off their game if I reek of BO, at the worst I would certainly get rid of the piss poor players. Maybe we should do a few 40 yard sprints prior to heading into the casino, then while still profusely sweating drain a polish dog with extra onions. Why wouldn’t that work? In the opposite case, if I am winning the pit bosses pull out any and all tricks possible to get me off my game, why can’t I turn the tables on those jags?

130PM – We decide against the sprints and head to The Paris to hammer out a few hundred in the last hour before meeting at the draft. I wander around the tables looking for my mark, but the tables are full of “groups” of friends and I don’t want to bust into a group that has been winning and have them start losing. So I wander and wander and throw away $60 on video poker and wander. Finally, we grab a couple seats at a $15 table with a 6-deck shoe. Twenty minutes later, I tell my buddy, “I love those $100 bottles of water”. I can’t escape fast enough, I feel I like I just spent the night in a French jail with two ex-cons who were captured after a failed escape attempt, For the record, I was the girl! Fortunately for us a successfully day of football investing will give us our needed stake for the SuperContest, so the table gambling is a mere luxurious sideshow. Time to head back to the hotel to check-in and relax while watching the Skins man-handle the Colts.

2:15 PM – The Skins and Colts are tied with 2 minutes remaining in the half, but the Skins have the ball at the Colts 30. I allow myself the luxury of uttering the words, “Worst case scenario, we got a push!” Are you kidding me, Colin? It’s like I got to Vegas and lost sight of sports investing rules, like rule #1 “never, ever say worst case scenario unless it truly is the worst case scenario”! Fortunately, I didn’t anger whatever gods exist in this place. And the Skins score a touchdown right before half to cash our first ticket.

3:00 PM – An hour until the draft starts, time for some pre-draft mingling at the bar in the place where the draft will take place. The mingling turns into business quickly as Fearsome Foursome and Beef Gravy All-Stars swing a deal for the number one overall pick. Fearsome gets the #1 overall pick and #28 overall pick (last pick in the second round), while Gravy gets the #7 and #17. I can tell Gravy likes the deal as the two gladiators shake on it. Fearsome gives me his take on the deal, “With the keepers in this league, #7 is no man’s land. It’s like Forte, Lynch or Charles time. If I knew I could get McFadden or Brees there, I wouldn’t budge but as I see it there is no way. And if I am left to choose, I will screw it up. Now I go Ray Rice. And the player I will get at #28 is likely just as good as #17 anyway.” Fair enough, let’s see how it plays out.

3:45 PM – Slowly everyone begins arriving. One big difference between the draft last night and today, as well as the previous year’s drafts in this league, everyone seems genuinely happy to be here, like they’re free from worldly constraints, if only for an afternoon. It’s simple, it’s Vegas, the drink that goes down smooth every time but comes out the next day key a jagged key!

4:00 PM – We make our way into the draft room like we are celebrities. Yikes, it’s smaller than I expected. And there are these damn A-Frame beams sticking out that just about dislocated my shoulder upon walking into the room. The first pick hasn’t been made and I might already be out for 4-6 weeks.

4:05 PM – Computer problems, space problems and BAM! – we have our first Vegas induced blowup. The commish and DA BOYZ go at it. I quickly scurry to the whiteboard to set the following odds (hell, I need to make up for that abortion at the blackjack tables):

The Commish punches someone in the face at any point during the draft: Yes – +800 NO -1200, probably, uh, not going to happen but he was close there. The one thing I am pretty certain has never happened in this league is a fist fight. Now that would be fun!

We lose an owner before the first pick is made: Yes +500 NO -750, much more likely given the exchange and the personalities involved.

The Commish strangles the “I/T” guy trying to get the display on the big screen: Yes +140 NO -160, this frustration is going to come to a violent head, it might as well be the guy who should be able to but can’t figure out how to get the display working.

4:10 PM – Whew! Crisis adverted, commish and DZ BOYZ are now making out in the backroom! I felt along it was just pent up sexual tension; let’s give them a few minutes!

4:20 PM – I’ve done some digging on the blow-up; here are the details, in chorological order beginning at last year’s draft – 1. During the 19th season draft, the Commish decides to have Vegas draft for 20th; 2. I come up with glorious plan to celebrate shortly after last year’s draft; 3. Planning begins, but buy in is low, commish hears about travel costs, room costs, costs, costs, costs. Commish at about a five, where ten is bye-bye aortic valve. At the 4:05PM post, the commish was running at a 12 but somehow the body amazingly was prepared; 4. It is apparent that costs are prohibitive to do anything more than rent a room, to which the commish takes on the responsibility to do, when someone, who shall remain nameless, gets bored with planning a plain-jane draft. Now it’s all on the commish and there is more complaining about costs, costs, costs and time and costs; 5. Commish settles everything, sends everything to league owners and, yep you guessed more complaining. Commish now considering double homicide and ensuing jail time, as a viable alternative to planning the draft; 6. Draft day arrives, commish holding steady at a 9 with aortic valve damaged but functional; 7. Commish is greeted with more complaining and TICK, TICK, TICK – BOOOOOOOOMB. Yup, that about sums it up.

4:30 PM – The commish asks everyone to give a little speech about their fondest memory of the league.

Fearsome Foursome – a trade that went horribly bad; partnered with another owner before that owner couldn’t take him trying to control everything. That was his joke, I know lame!

DA BOYZ – winning the league despite having a team that couldn’t carry the jock of Fearsome Foursome

Weekend Warriors – a trade that went horribly right, Larry Johnson, to hear him tell it, “he just needed a fill in player for a week, give me Larry Johnson for Amani Toomer” Priest Holmes gets hurt, LJ scores 18 touchdowns in 8 weeks, WW wins league easily. Fearsome just told me that he would go watch games with WW on Sundays and every score update was one of his players scoring and when it wasn’t he acted like someone kicked his dog; according to Fearsome, his players couldn’t score if given 7 opportunities from inside the one. “That was a magical year for him” – FF

Ragin Asian – Enjoys the draft, the bond with fellow owners.

Deamons – Winning the first season out, like this is easy! And looks forward to August more than any other time of year.

Holy Crap, it’s getting dusty in here. Man up, already!

Desert Girlies – Winning the Super Bowl twice.

Hawks – Enjoy the group, the draft and their championship.

Avengers – The Bills of the fantasy league, until finally breaking through and winning in 2009. Still enjoys the league immensely.

Sidewinders –Memories of the early days when teamed with Beef Gravy, not making the playoffs and not winning once they did. Looks forward to the league draft, it’s the highlight of his year, means the world to them. Liken Beef to Anakin, himself to Obi-Wan. I can see him as Obi-Wan, specifically the fight between Obi-Wan and Vader, where Obi-Wan waiting forever to swing his light saber at Vader thus giving Vader an opening that he didn’t neglect. Now if only we can implement that into this draft.

Beef Gravy All-Stars – So close so many times, feels he is on the verge. Referenced Ricky Bobby, “If you ain’t first then you last!”

Chefs – King of toilet bowl. “Real memories”, “Christmas in August”, goodness don’t let Wal-Mart hear that, they will have fake trees up in May. Helps him stay connected!

Convicts – Best memories were the previously brought up trades and the four rings, wants one for the thumb this year. Also, brought up bad moves that still sting – the aforementioned LJ trade and dropping MeMarco Murray prior to Murrary rushing for a country mile against, yup you guessed it, the Rams!

Junk Yard Dogs – Starting in the league just to help out a guy named Scott Carlson, then ended up taking over the team when Scott decided to retire. Also, mentioned that he appreciates the “hard time Bill gives him every year”.

4:39 PM – I can’t let the JYD memory go without some comments of my own – 1. Several owners gave a hearty thanks to Scott Carlson for leaving and bequeathing the team to JYD; and 2. This is a guy who frequently uses a gay voice that would make Richard Simmons seem like Jack Palance, what’s this “hard time” deal. Wait, I don’t want to know, that’s their business.

4:40 PM – Wait, do we finally have the display working? I thought maybe so because a fellow owner made a crack about the commish visiting a website called biggirls.com. OK, I think the commish is back to normal. I cringed when I heard the comment, thinking that it might light the fuse again, only this time he would turn into Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas and start turning over tables!

4:50 PM – 50 minutes into the draft and nary a pick. But hey it’s Vegas, where we have all the time in the world, right? Or at least until our money runs out. There are very few places that can turn rational thinking people into an irrational, impulsive mutant upon stepping off the plane, but Vegas is definitely one of them. Amsterdam is another. Hey, maybe if you secretly don’t like the commish, suggest that next year we have the draft in Amsterdam.

4:51 PM – And the first pick is . . . Ray Rice.

4:53 PM – Sidewinders on the clock – oh my, only 30 seconds. Crap, maybe this guy has a hooker waiting for him on the back end of this. Just remember, Sidewinders, “What happens here, stays here!” Well, except for certain STD’s, like herpes, which definitely doesn’t stay here.

4:54 PM – Weekend Warriors go all-in on Tom Brady this year. Safe to say if Bernard Pollard happens again, Weekend Warriors will have a miserable fantasy season.

4:55 PM – The first surprise of the draft – Matty Ice at number 6 goes to Chefs, who has Julio Jones, so I guess I can see wanting to pair the two, but at number 6? Safe to say, I have my loser for round one. I am not a fan of Matty Ice, he hasn’t produced a great fantasy year and certainly not one worthy of the number six pick. Again, I guess if you want him, you draft him when you have the chance. Goodness even the edge if off me this year. That’s a pick that I would ramble off roughly 1000 words on how it’s the biggest mistake of that owners life.

4:56 PM – Fearsome Foursome just let out a massive groan as he hears the words “Darren McFadden” with the 7th pick. Odds that FF goes on a 12 state killing spree if Darren McFadden is the top fantasy running back this year – +10000, here is a little inside info – take the chance, the guy is that volatile, if you mix his hyper-competitiveness, I can totally see him snapping!

4:58 PM – Another cross-over owner who survived the most boring draft in the history of drafts yesterday which is detailed in part I, is going all-in on a player, this time it’s Marshawn Lynch. Be careful big fella, Marshawn doesn’t have “beast” mode available to him when his wallet is fat!

4:59 PM – So the league had some scoring changes this season, most notably the passing touchdowns are reduced from 6 points to 4 points, yet that hasn’t deterred the run of quarterbacks in the first round – Rodgers is a keeper, but Brady, Ryan, Brees and Eli Manning are all first rounders. I am wondering if the Desert Girlies think we also implemented my rule change about coupling players together – like they think they get Eli, Peyton, Cooper and Archie’s retro points by taking “Manning.” Or maybe the missing partner is the brains behind the operation! It’s hard to bash a team that’s won two rings, but let’s leave it at that was a “nice pick” – for all the other owners in the league.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

1.01 Fearsome Foursome Rice, Ray BAL RB
1.02 The GSW Rule Johnson, Calvin DET WR
1.03 Sidewinders Johnson, Chris TEN RB
1.04 Weekend Warriors Brady, Tom NEP QB
1.05 Convicts Brees, Drew NOS QB
1.06 Chefs Ryan, Matt ATL QB
1.07 BeefGravy AllStars McFadden, Darren OAK RB
1.08 Daemons Forte, Matt CHI RB
1.09 Ragin Asian Charles, Jamaal KCC RB
1.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Lynch, Marshawn SEA RB
1.11 DESERT GRRLIE Manning, Eli NYG QB
1.12 Avengers Jennings, Greg GBP WR
1.13 Junk Yard Dogs Johnson, Andre HOU WR
1.14 Desperados Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Beef Gravy All-Stars, Best player available at #5 fell to #7
Loser Sidewinders, the running back formerly known as CJ2K, now simply known as CJPUSSOUTK

5:02 PM – Another “nice pick” – Andre Johnson. This “nice pick” is actually stated by several owners, some sarcastically. In all honesty, it is a nice pick, but I wouldn’t want Andre on my fantasy teams this year. First off, he is a huge injury risk; then, he is slightly over-rated, he has had a few monster games, but his seasonal numbers do not warrant where he generally is picked, thirdly, the Texans would be happy running the ball 50 times a game; and finally, the Texans play great defense, so the chance of them getting into one of those crazy 35-31 shootouts is minimal. Add it all up, and, if Andre stays healthy, you are most likely looking at about 80-1000-8, 228 points, which will be top 15 but not top three.

5:06 PM – Oh, wow, Adrian Peterson goes in the Beef Gravy trade spot. So, Beef two picks and a keeper in has McFadden, Peterson and Vick – over/under on games missed by that trio – 13.5. But if AP is 85% of “AP”, he is a steal at 17. And if by playoff time AP is AP, well then we can start engraving the trophy with Beef’s name. Wait, there’s no traveling trophy with this league. 20 years and no hardware? Wow, if I could go back in time, a la Biff Tannen, I would go back to the very first draft and tell the commish, “Trust me, you need a cup for the champions. And not just a cup, a cup about a quarter the size of the Stanley Cup, with enough room to engrave 50 or so champions. Just trust me, kid!” Now, imagine if we had a cup. The defending champ each would be antagonizing other owners by asking the servers to fill up the cup with beer. Then they would casually take drinks as the other owners watch in envy. And think about how much different the opening memories would have been – “Your favorite memory and one thing unique thing you did with the cup.” About the third “unique thing I did with the cup” story would cause the defending champ to spit out a mouthful of beer while grabbing the nearest bowl/can/cup for their puke. Oh what could have been!

5:11 PM – #ThingsIoverheardatthefantasydraft – “I have a knife but no fork!” Hmm, did you pay for the fork, it is Vegas after all? That’s extra, you know. And I have to say, it’s Vegas, the most decadent place in the universe and it’s a fantasy draft, WTF do you need a fork for? Pick up the food and eat it like a Neanderthal.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

2.01 Desperados Gates, Antonio SDC TE
2.02 Junk Yard Dogs Schaub, Matt HOU QB
2.03 BeefGravy AllStars Peterson, Adrian MIN RB
2.04 DESERT GRRLIE Nicks, Hakeem NYG WR
2.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Jackson, Steven STL RB
2.06 Ragin Asian White, Roddy ATL WR
2.07 Daemons McGahee, Willis DEN RB
2.08 The GSW Rule Cruz, Victor NYG WR
2.09 Chefs Green, A.J. CIN WR
2.10 Convicts Martin, Doug TBB RB (R)
2.11 Weekend Warriors Welker, Wes NEP WR
2.12 Sidewinders Colston, Marques NOS WR
2.13 Avengers Rivers, Philip SDC QB
2.14 Fearsome Foursome Marshall, Brandon CHI WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Fearsome Foursome, Marshall at 28 and after Colston, Green, Welker and Cruz.
Loser Junk Yard Dogs, Andre Johnson and Matt Schuab, what pair, if one spent 3rd and 5th round picks on them, not 1st and 2nd.

5:19 PM – Reggie Bush is picked, which prompts the vastly under-utilized, “We’ve got Bush!” Well played Data Entry Boy, there might be hope for you after all. Back to the “We’ve got Bush”. That is at least a 100 times better than the elementary “I like Bush” comment. And of course, that line is from Revenge of the Nerds, which I always felt was an under-rated movie. Look it’s not a masterpiece, but it delivers exactly what you would expect from it. And, Betty Childs was sneaky, crazy hot, right? There was Ogre, the aforementioned Neanderthal, who has parlayed that movie’s success into a series of Capital One commercials; I can almost hear Ogre telling everyone on Capital One set, “Do you know who I am? Do you?” And how about Stan Gable, who was the perfect d-bag jock played by Ted McGinley. I always thought McGinley should have had a better career, more similar to Brad Pitt than to Paul Walker, but for reasons unknown he never accomplished much more than playing Marcy D’Arcy’s husband on Married with Children. Anyway, I might be in the minority but that was a classic 80s movie! The nerds used their brains to out-think the jocks, now-a-days the same plot would undoubtedly include some kind of violent retribution where the nerd tortures a jock for 60 days in his basement before killing him.

5:23 PM – Ahh, Darren Sproles goes to Sidewinders. Someone did his homework and paid attention to the receptions rule change that gives running backs .5 per reception, as opposed to .25 last year.

5:29 PM – Is there anything better than taking a piss break in the middle of a fantasy draft and coming back to find that you haven’t missed anything? Sure, there roughly a million things better than that, but at this moment it was big to me.

5:31 PM – WTF? Who had the balls to order swordfish? Oh my, Sidewinders, if I wasn’t such a docile individual, I would come over there punch square in the face and revoke your man card! Please tell me how the broiled sea scallops, steamed vegatables and tossed salad with no dressing compliment that fine choice of entrée? That might be the single most disappointing thing I have every encountered in a fantasy draft. We need to stop the draft, get this guy a plate full of fried wings, and cheer him on while he devours them. It’s Vegas, man. Those wings will stay here, live it up man, you have permission to break the rules after all, this is Vegas!!!
5:38 PM – #ThingsIoverheardatthefantasydraft – “please spell that for me”. The pick was Donald Brown!

5:43 PM – Vernon Davis is the pick, huh, most people try to avoid VD. #NeverGetsOld. And oh, btw, VD is another thing that won’t stay in Vegas.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

3.01 BeefGravy AllStars Bush, Reggie MIA RB
3.02 Avengers Hernandez, Aaron NEP TE
3.03 Sidewinders Sproles, Darren NOS RB
3.04 Weekend Warriors Richardson, Trent CLE RB (R)
3.05 Convicts Jones-Drew, Maurice JAC RB
3.06 Chefs Turner, Michael ATL RB
3.07 Fearsome Foursome Smith, Steve CAR WR
3.08 Daemons Bryant, Dez DAL WR
3.09 Ragin Asian Lloyd, Brandon NEP WR
3.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Gonzalez, Tony ATL TE
3.11 DESERT GRRLIE Gore, Frank SFO RB
3.12 The GSW Rule Mathews, Ryan SDC RB
3.13 Junk Yard Dogs Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG RB
3.14 Desperados Stewart, Jonathan CAR RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Sidewinders, Sproles, the increase in receptions make him a steal in the third round
Loser DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Tony Gonzalez. Really? Ahead of Vernon Davis, Jason Witten and Jermichael Finley?

5:46 PM – Sidewinders is now if full Sidewinder mode, which translated means he is talking too long to make a pick. I get it, this is where it gets tough, but come on, hey wait we’re in Vegas, who cares! Take all the time you need buddy! But that does get me thinking of another classic 80s movie – Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And at the mere mention of that movie, you immediately think about the “Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool” scene, yup, you know I got you! I will confess I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die when after Mr. Hand tore up Spicoli’s class schedule prompting Spicoli to look him dead in the eye and tell him, “You Dick!” It came from nowhere, and to be honest, I snuck into the movie because I wasn’t old enough, so for a young teen, that was pretty, pretty, pretty funny. Anyway, in about five years or so, I might show up at Sidewinders house and pull a Mr. Hand – “Sidewinder, by my measurements you’ve cost me well over six hours, I am here to collect. You and I are going to eat fried food until you puke!”

5:48 PM – Beef Gravy is going through his nicknames, I like James Earl Jones for him, simply because he gets up to announce every pick in a voice that rivals James Earl’s for smoothness. But I think a more fitting one is Art Shell, almost identical now that I look at him, like maybe they were conjoined twins, who for health reasons had to be separated at birth, except Beef got 75% of the brain.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

4.01 Desperados Brown, Antonio PIT WR
4.02 Junk Yard Dogs Brown, Donald IND RB
4.03 The GSW Rule Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB
4.04 DESERT GRRLIE Gronkowski, Rob NEP TE
4.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Bowe, Dwayne KCC WR
4.06 Ragin Asian Ingram, Mark NOS RB
4.07 Daemons Jackson, Vincent TBB WR
4.08 Fearsome Foursome Wayne, Reggie IND WR
4.09 Chefs Davis, Vernon SFO TE
4.10 Convicts Jackson, DeSean PHI WR
4.11 Weekend Warriors Jackson, Fred BUF RB
4.12 Sidewinders Maclin, Jeremy PHI WR
4.13 Avengers Foster, Arian HOU RB
4.14 BeefGravy AllStars Crabtree, Michael SFO WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Antonio Brown. I like him a lot this year; Book it, he will out-score all of the receivers in this round.
Loser Ragin Asian, Mark Ingram. Maybe Asian knows something we don’t about that Saints backfield.

6:00 PM – Break time, time to update the aforementioned football bets – winners, 1st half Redskins, Redskins side, Redskins/Colts Over, 1st half Cowboys looking good as they are up 17-3. Cowboys side also looks promising, but the under is in serious danger. The Lions are scoreless early. I am feeling pretty good about those bets so maybe I have time to sneak in a dozen or so hands $25 blackjack before the break is over.

6:08 PM – I knew it wouldn’t be long before we heard data entry boy’s gay voice. He actually does it well enough that you just never know. Hmm, what would happen to the league is one of the owners came out of the closet? That is an interesting question and before I am ostracized by the gay and lesbian community for my intolerance, let me state for the record that I am merely pointing how a significant, albeit acceptable, change to one’s lifestyle would no doubt change the dynamic of a league that has been in existence for 20 years. Good enough? Ok, on with the gay bashing – kidding, kidding. Anyway, you to figure that if one of the owners did come out of the closet it would have to be because they got caught just like Soprano’s Vito Spatafore got caught, wearing a tight leather outfit with a cute, blinged-out leather hat. Once caught the owner would sheepishly show up at the next draft. The question is would it change the dynamic? I highly doubt it unless the owners new partner was an NFL player with inside information. Would it be distracting? Not unless said owner brought their partner and became inappropriate, of course that could be said for a mid-life crisis owner who shows up with his new “girlfriend”, er, “paid escort” and they are all over each other.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

5.01 BeefGravy AllStars Witten, Jason DAL TE
5.02 Avengers Harvin, Percy MIN WR
5.03 Sidewinders Austin, Miles DAL WR
5.04 Weekend Warriors Finley, Jermichael GBP TE
5.05 Convicts Thomas, Demaryius DEN WR
5.06 Chefs Wallace, Mike PIT WR
5.07 Fearsome Foursome Johnson, Steve BUF WR
5.08 Daemons Romo, Tony DAL QB
5.09 Ragin Asian Smith, Torrey BAL WR
5.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC McCoy, LeSean PHI RB
5.11 DESERT GRRLIE Pettigrew, Brandon DET TE
5.12 Fearsome Foursome Cutler, Jay CHI QB
5.13 Junk Yard Dogs Green-Ellis, BenJarvus CIN RB
5.14 Desperados Stafford, Matthew DET QB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Avengers, Percy Harvin. Less focus on the running game with AP working himself back, means more touches for Harvin.
Loser Junk Yard Dogs, BenJarvus Green-Ellis. This is a first, calling the worst pick of the round a keeper, but why give up a 5th round pick for a guy you could draft in the 7th. And if another owner really wanted him bad enough to take him in the 4th round, well then so be it – it just wasn’t meant to be.

6:13 PM – Nice job, Pierre! Pierre Garcon is the pick. Isn’t that funny how a commercial can stick with you? The “Nice job, Pierre” is, of course, from the Miller High Life commercial where the man’s man tells us “It’s hard to respect the French when you have to bail them out of two big ones. But they do have something with mayonnaise. Nice job, Pierre.” Classic! And while we’re on the subject, here are five more of my favorite commercials:

  1. Bud Light Refs – Budweiser’s response to the Miller Lite referee commericials where a referee would interrupt a party where Bud Light was being served by throwing a flag and then announcing a penalty. Bud Light spun off the same concept expect fast forwarded the story to where the refs were gleefully escaping with the “skunky” beer that was actually Bud Light.
  2. Just about any of the Jack Links “Messing With Sasquatch” commercials though this one was always a favorite.
  3. About the time other airlines started charging for checked bags, Southwest came out with a commercial where a deep sea diving guide had a student under the water. The customer was trying to breath but was getting no oxygen, his face became panicked as the instructor told him, “Oh, air is an extra $35 dollars. Do you want that?” The student, obviously, was quite eager to agree to the charge. Another classic – the clam approach of the instructor was perfect as was the panicked look by the student,
  4. Bud Light Referee Training – Just watch it, I think you’ll understand the humor.
  5. Prehistoric FedEx – Funny and hits close to home, well for any of us who have had boss who was/is a total prick.

6:23 PM – That’s the way you do back-to-back picks – bing, bing! Not sure if there was a lot of thought in the picks, but there is a blackjack seat that has my name on it, so who am I to complain – this picks, Brent Celek and Santana Moss.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

6.01 Desperados Ridley, Stevan NEP RB
6.02 Junk Yard Dogs Young, Titus DET WR
6.03 The GSW Rule Davis, Fred WAS TE
6.04 DESERT GRRLIE Meachem, Robert SDC WR
6.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Garcon, Pierre WAS WR
6.06 Ragin Asian Tamme, Jacob DEN TE
6.07 Daemons Manning, Peyton DEN QB
6.08 The GSW Rule Wilson, David NYG RB (R)
6.09 Chefs Jones, Julio ATL WR
6.10 Convicts Hillis, Peyton KCC RB
6.11 Weekend Warriors Benson, Cedric GBP RB
6.12 Sidewinders Freeman, Josh TBB QB
6.13 Avengers Greene, Shonn NYJ RB
6.14 BeefGravy AllStars Celek, Brent PHI TE
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner The GSW Rule, Fred Davis. Freddy might have a top five year.
Loser DESERT GRRLIE, Robert Meachem. Meachem is a poor man’s Yancey Thigpen, who is a poor man’s Javon Walker, who is a poor’s man Alvin Harper. Translation – he’s a bust in the 18th round, in the 6th round it’s a colossal choke on par with the 2004 New York Yankees.

6:28 PM – And there goes the first defense of the draft – 49ers. Look I am ok with a defense going here, but is that the right defense. I have my doubts, I mean think about the worst thing that can happen to you after this draft – you hit the strip and find one of these love lovely ladies ready to spend some “quality” time with you, but once you get to the point of intimacy you find out the lovely lady is a dude. I just puked in my mouth thinking about it. Anyway, I think that’s a little like taking the 49ers this early, you might think you’re getting Kim Kardashian, but in reality it is Kimbo Slice!

6:37 PM – We’ve got a race against time. We get booted at 8PM, if booted meant either get out or start paying 300 an hour with a two hour minimum. We’ve got 11 rounds to go, so roughly 8 minutes a round. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

7.01 BeefGravy AllStars Moss, Santana WAS WR
7.02 Avengers Decker, Eric DEN WR
7.03 Sidewinders Williams, DeAngelo CAR RB
7.04 Weekend Warriors Daniels, Owen HOU TE
7.05 Convicts Britt, Kenny TEN WR
7.06 Chefs Wells, Beanie ARI RB
7.07 Fearsome Foursome Heyward-Bey, Darrius OAK WR
7.08 Daemons Helu, Roy WAS RB
7.09 Ragin Asian Williams, Ryan ARI RB
7.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Roethlisberger, Ben PIT QB
7.11 DESERT GRRLIE 49ers, San Francisco SFO Def
7.12 The GSW Rule Smith, Kevin DET RB
7.13 Junk Yard Dogs Boldin, Anquan BAL WR
7.14 Desperados Little, Greg CLE WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Ben Roethlisberger. I am not sure how the Steelers are going to move the ball unless Big Ben throws 50 times a game.
Loser DESERT GRRLIE, 49ers D. A day after Jerry Sandusky was accused of heinous acts against young boys, I wanted to break out the “Damn, the Colts got the Sandusky shower treatment from the Falcons”, but I didn’t. Why? Too soon. The 49ers d here is too soon

6:43 PM – Jared Cook goes in the 8th round, hmm, I liked him as a sleeper, but then I realized there are no more sleepers in this world. You know you’re getting old when things like “I remember when you had to watch the games and evaluate the players to figure out your draft list. Now you can show up with a draft list from ESPN.COM and draft a playoff team. I hate fantasy football! I really do.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

8.01 Desperados Floyd, Malcom SDC WR
8.02 Junk Yard Dogs Mendenhall, Rashard PIT RB
8.03 The GSW Rule Gresham, Jermaine CIN TE
8.04 DESERT GRRLIE Gerhart, Toby MIN RB
8.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Holmes, Santonio NYJ WR
8.06 Ragin Asian Texans, Houston HOU Def
8.07 Daemons Cook, Jared TEN TE
8.08 Fearsome Foursome Spiller, C.J. BUF RB
8.09 Chefs Flacco, Joe BAL QB
8.10 Convicts Graham, Jimmy NOS TE
8.11 Weekend Warriors Rice, Sidney SEA WR
8.12 Sidewinders Keller, Dustin NYJ TE
8.13 Avengers Ravens, Baltimore BAL Def
8.14 BeefGravy AllStars Steelers, Pittsburgh PIT Def
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner The GSW Rule, Jermaine Gresham. This might be the season Gresham catapults himself into the “Best TE” conversation
Loser Junk Yard Dogs, Rashard Mendenhall. Big surprise here, Mendehall about 6 round too soon.

6:46 PM – Time update, 10 rounds left and 74 minutes. No way we are making it, we’re going to get kicked to the curb which means we will be finishing this draft right in the middle of pimp gang pushing the business cards of the $35 hookers. True story, I was walking down the strip, and was handed five of these cards, which I thought was awesome because when I choosing a hooker I want have options. That’s not true. But what is true is that I head to a poker table, interrupt the game and drop my five “hooker” cards on the table while screaming “can anyone beat this Royal Bush” or “Read it and weep, suckers, I’ve got five pairs”. As I was thinking of all the possible ways to use these cards at the poker table, it donned on me, “Hmm, $35 bucks, huh, dam I would love to see what $35 really looks like, because I am pretty damn sure that it isn’t what is on this card.” And if it is what’s on this card, then she needs a new pimp!

6:55 PM – Wow, a really cool guy from the New York, New York just told us we can stay as long as we need. Awesome, that was all Sidewinder needed to hear! We will now be here all night! In fact, my guess is a few of the owners who were complaining about room costs didn’t get a room, so they’re hoping we actually can stay here all night.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

9.01 BeefGravy AllStars Janikowski, Sebastian OAK PK
9.02 Avengers Griffin III, Robert WAS QB (R)
9.03 Sidewinders Jennings, Rashad JAC RB
9.04 Weekend Warriors Washington, Nate TEN WR
9.05 Convicts Rodgers, Jacquizz ATL RB
9.06 Chefs Thomas, Pierre NOS RB
9.07 Fearsome Foursome Blackmon, Justin JAC WR (R)
9.08 Daemons Redman, Isaac PIT RB
9.09 Ragin Asian Blount, LeGarrette TBB RB
9.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Jets, New York NYJ Def
9.11 DESERT GRRLIE Manningham, Mario SFO WR
9.12 The GSW Rule Packers, Green Bay GBP Def
9.13 Junk Yard Dogs Moore, Denarius OAK WR
9.14 Desperados Tate, Ben HOU RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Junk Yard Dogs, Denarius Moore. JYD has a long way to go to make his team competitive but this is a start
Loser Beef Gravy All-Stars, Sebastian Janikowski. It would be interesting to look back on this pick and ask what if you drafted D. Moore instead, then went SeaBass when he should go, like round 18.

6:57 PM – Round 10, this is where it gets tough!

6:59 PM – That’s something you don’t see every day – a human being polishing off a second entrée within a single sitting. I ask the waitress what the record for entrees in a single setting by a single human. She gives me a blank stare, like eff you jerk off I’ve taken enough crap from you and your a-hole buddies tonight. But after a bit of teasing I reel her in, now she gets it, enough to start playing along. She must be a third year marketing major at UNLV, right? Isn’t every server/bartender/hostess studying to be a lawyer/financial advisor/doctor? And don’t you find out about that within five minutes of sitting down? Anyway, she tells DA BOYZ that he is one entrée away from setting the record for a single sitting. Right now he is tied with some odd 5 million people (of course, only half of those people are still alive). I urge him to go for a French Dip or, hell even the Swordfish, but I tell him if you go Swordfish it needs to be fried. He’s not buying and frankly he looks like he might not eat again for a couple weeks, either way, I don’t care if he ends up in a food induced coma tonight, I am getting this the record. It’s only so often you get the chance to experience greatness, I will be damned if I am going to let this opportunity pass.

7:02 PM – Oh lookie here, Chase Daniel is in the game for the Saints. Chase Daniel is Drew Brees backup, but I have to ask, “Can you really trust a guy who got caught on camera eating a booger?” Think about how long the odds are that you would actually get caught eating a booger on camera – first off, you have to eat boogers; secondly, you have to eat boogers almost all the time; and thirdly, you have to be on camera. A couple things about the clip – 1. This was against Nebraska, with the Huskers leading 27-13, so maybe he was so disgusted that his team was losing to such an inferior team that he self punished himself. Goodness, I was so grossed out by this that I actually wish he was an emo instead; and 2. He tries to be a little discreet by not just devouring the booger despite clearly salivating, however, the temptation is too much for him. Damn be the 95 players and camera on his ass. It makes me think that Chase is just one of those guys. You know a guy who openly admits that he smells his hand after scratching his anus, a guy who has no problem proclaiming that he is excusing himself to relieve himself in the restroom and a guy who has no problem digging for a juicy, blood spotted with a single hair in the middle ball of snot to tide him over until he can cough up enough snot to fill his boiler. Yup Saints fans, that’s your guy when Brees goes down. Enjoy that!

7:05 PM – I am sure this room has adequate lighting but we started at mid-afternoon, so we were relying mostly on natural lighting from two over-sized windows that take up almost the entire width of the room. However, those are about 75% covered with our draft board, which also blocks the view to the south end of the strip because who wants to see what’s going on the strip, certainly not the fantasy “geeks” in this room. But now the sun is going down and with the blockage for the mega-draft board it’s getting dark, so the server came in and turned on the lights. Literally, in unison, I heard at least four owners say something to the effect, “Oh, wow, I thought you were much better looking.” Nice!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

10.01 Desperados Henderson, Devery NOS WR
10.02 Junk Yard Dogs Bush, Michael CHI RB
10.03 The GSW Rule Baldwin, Doug SEA WR
10.04 DESERT GRRLIE Robinson, Laurent JAC WR
10.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Olsen, Greg CAR TE
10.06 Ragin Asian Cobb, Randall GBP WR
10.07 Daemons Nelson, Jordy GBP WR
10.08 Fearsome Foursome Rudolph, Kyle MIN TE
10.09 Chefs Eagles, Philadelphia PHI Def
10.10 Convicts Luck, Andrew IND QB (R)
10.11 Weekend Warriors Williams, Mike TBB WR
10.12 Sidewinders Lions, Detroit DET Def
10.13 Avengers Akers, David SFO PK
10.14 BeefGravy AllStars Quick, Brian STL WR (R)
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Weekend Warriors, Mike Williams. After a huge rookie year, Mike Williams jumped up to as high as second round consider last season, now he falls to the 10th. He’s somewhere is between – 6th round of so, with the potential to play to 4th round.
Loser Sidewinders, Detroit Def. Uh, this either has to be a homer pick or the swordfish was bad. What did they do to upgrade a defense that was solely responsible for getting Matt Flynn $26 Million.

7:12 PM – I decided to go with the Welker jersey for the day. It was definitely the right move, as I have logged more time talking while taking a leak on this trip than I have in my entire life to date. I attribute the attention to the Welker jersey, because no team has more gained more fans over the decade than the Patriots. And one more thing on the jersey, look it takes balls for a grown man to wear a jersey around in public, but I love it. I love posing as a fan of another team. Moreover, I usually have enough useless knowledge stored in my head that I can fool even the most die-hard fan.

7:20 PM – Just about every one of these drafts I hear something that makes me want to find a corner, scrunch into the fetal postion and grab my thumb. Yeah, it’s that horrifying. Well, that moment just happened as another owner told the commish, “You can’t get it up … ” {find your happy place, find your happy place}.

7:27 PM – We take a break to have another moment of dedication to the 20th of the league. I must say 20 years is very impressive, but WTF are these guys/gals going to do without this league? I had a chance to talk about this with Fearsome, who told me he feels a little like one of those kidnap victims, who forms a strange bond with his captors. He wants to quit, but he feels held captive by the league and in reality needs the league. Ah, what a puss, he’s pathetic!

7:30 PM – Someone, just took that little girl’s (Fearsome) player, Kendall Wright. Really, pal, Kendall Wright. I would be willing to bet that there are a dozen players either drafted after Wright or free agents who will out-score him. How’s that for BOLD! By the way that pick also ties a fantasy football draft record for consecutive picks of players named “Kendall”, Warriors can help us set a record by drafting Kendall Langford. Oh, what a buzz kill, Warriors has no balls and goes with Davone Bess. BOO, BOO, BOO!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

11.01 BeefGravy AllStars Vick, Michael PHI QB
11.02 Avengers Hunter, Kendall SFO RB
11.03 Sidewinders Wright, Kendall TEN WR (R)
11.04 Weekend Warriors Bess, Davone MIA WR
11.05 Convicts Simpson, Jerome MIN WR
11.06 Chefs Gostkowski, Stephen NEP PK
11.07 Fearsome Foursome Moore, Lance NOS WR
11.08 Daemons Thomas, Daniel MIA RB
11.09 Ragin Asian Crosby, Mason GBP PK
11.1 DA BOYZ FROM NYC LaFell, Brandon CAR WR
11.11 DESERT GRRLIE Smith, Alex SFO QB
11.12 The GSW Rule Moss, Randy SFO WR
11.13 Junk Yard Dogs Bradford, Sam STL QB
11.14 Desperados Baldwin, Jon KCC WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Avengers, Kendall Hunter. Huge upside, unless you believe Frank Gore and his cane can keep this job the entire year.
Loser Convicts, Jerome Simpson. You know a player shouldn’t be drafted when their namesake, O.J., has given up the hunt for Nicole’s killers to try to find Jerome Simpson’s game. IN related news, O.J. has sworn off mirrors.

7:38 PM – I keep trying to get DA BOYZ to order another entrée, I reminded him of Chevy Chase in Funny Farm with the “lamb fries” record. He’s still not buying I think if I slip some “Super Colon Blow” in his water, he will free up space to accommodate a third, and record setting entrée.

7:50 PM – Ok, the one thing I need to take up with the commish is that I was promised, if I showed to put together this novel of a running log, that I would be treated to a couple of hookers. Where the hell are the hookers? It’s the 12th round, the time is right.

7:52 PM – The log is getting a little racy and for the record, the 7:50PM post was a complete joke, so when beautiful wife reads this, honey, I was just kidding, I figured that at the 7,500 word mark most people need something to shake them up, to get them back involved – THERE ARE NO HOOKERS! Also, in the interest of full disclosure, just in case something goes horribly wrong in the next five years and some divorce lawyer is trying to digging up dirt on me – THERE ARE NO HOOKERS – IT WAS JOKE, JUST A JOKE!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

12.01 Desperados Leshoure, Mikel DET RB
12.02 Junk Yard Dogs Kendricks, Lance STL TE
12.03 The GSW Rule Amendola, Danny STL WR
12.04 DESERT GRRLIE Floyd, Michael ARI WR (R)
12.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Collie, Austin IND WR
12.06 Ragin Asian Palmer, Carson OAK QB
12.07 Daemons Winslow, Kellen FA* TE
12.08 Fearsome Foursome Fleener, Coby IND TE (R)
12.09 Chefs Starks, James GBP RB
12.10 Convicts Moeaki, Tony KCC TE
12.11 Weekend Warriors Fitzpatrick, Ryan BUF QB
12.12 Sidewinders Kaeding, Nate SDC PK
12.13 Avengers Dickson, Ed BAL TE
12.14 BeefGravy AllStars Ford, Jacoby OAK WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Mikel Leshoure. I know the Lions don’r run much, but that might be because they don’t have a running back. Leshoure will get a chance to be the guy, four weeks before Best comes back.
Loser Sidewinders, Nate Kaeding. Dude hasn’t won the job yet. And guess what if he doesn’t, you either need to fill a roster spot with a useless backup kicker or take a zero week one. Fantasy geeks take note – Kickers are random, not worthy of single digit round picks nor worthy of being on your bench.

7:55 PM – I have to be honest another owner is trying to have a conversation with me, but I am not listening, I am fully focused on the Cowboys protecting a 20-12 lead with about 6 minutes left. I am so done with this draft; all of my attention is focused on this pre-season game that is holding my money hostage.

8:05 PM – Well done Dallas, well I know that if the Cowboys third team gets in any games this year, I should dump my retirement account against them. But I have to give a hearty thanks to Jeff Fisher who decided against overtime and kicked the extra point – 20-19 Cowboys, final. Under cashes, but side doesn’t. Oh and the Lions spit the bit, what a shock! So, 5-2 overall. Not too shabby, but probably not SuperContest worthy. The Cowboys can eat a turd sandwich with extra diarrhea sauce!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

13.01 BeefGravy AllStars Hasselbeck, Matt TEN QB
13.02 Avengers Scott, Bernard CIN RB
13.03 Sidewinders Ponder, Christian MIN QB
13.04 Weekend Warriors Jones, Felix DAL RB
13.05 Convicts Prater, Matt DEN PK
13.06 Chefs Jones, James GBP WR
13.07 Fearsome Foursome Hankerson, Leonard WAS WR
13.08 Daemons Burleson, Nate DET WR
13.09 Ragin Asian Dwyer, Jonathan PIT RB
13.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Royster, Evan WAS RB
13.11 DESERT GRRLIE Gould, Robbie CHI PK
13.12 The GSW Rule Dalton, Andy CIN QB
13.13 Junk Yard Dogs Bears, Chicago CHI Def
13.14 Desperados Pead, Isaiah STL RB (R)
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Chefs, James Jones. I have never understood why Jones isn’t more highly thought of in Green Bay.
Loser Weekend Warriors, Felix Jones. Nothing personal, Warriors, I just hate Felix Jones.

8:10 PM – Data Entry Boy must have a very easy going personality, otherwise, one of these drafts dude is going to show up and pull a “private pyle” on us. And not Gomer Pyle, the Full Metal Jacket Pyle. The latest is he tried to cut on the commish by asking him if his “balls had dropped”. The commish responded with checkmate, “Yeah, they have right in your mouth!” We got a tea-bagging going on!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

14.01 Desperados Miller, Heath PIT TE
14.02 Junk Yard Dogs Hartley, Garrett NOS PK
14.03 The GSW Rule Bryant, Matt ATL PK
14.04 DESERT GRRLIE Hartline, Brian MIA WR
14.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Hillman, Ronnie DEN RB (R)
14.06 Ragin Asian Cowboys, Dallas DAL Def
14.07 Daemons Henery, Alex PHI PK
14.08 Fearsome Foursome Murray, DeMarco DAL RB
14.09 Chefs Chandler, Scott BUF TE
14.10 Convicts Giants, New York NYG Def
14.11 Weekend Warriors Seahawks, Seattle SEA Def
14.12 Sidewinders Bullock, Randy HOU PK (R)
14.13 Avengers Sanders, Emmanuel PIT WR
14.14 BeefGravy AllStars Jacobs, Brandon SFO RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Weekend Warriors, Seattle D. I love them this year. Not as much as I love desk or lamp, but it’s still love.
Loser Sidewinders, Randy Bullock. Two kickers inside of 14 rounds.

8:15 PM – Ok, it’s starting to drag, so let’s float out another idea for a fantasy league. This one is a normal draft, either auction or snake, normal head-to-head schedule with playoffs. But no scoring based on accumulated statistics instead, all the scoring is done based on the advanced stat Win Probability Added (WPA). The idea is as each play takes place the probability of a team winning either, for the most part, goes up or goes down. The difference in those numbers is then attributed to the primary players involved in the play. At the end of the game all of the individual plays are added up to form one total WPA. Your team score is based on the total WPA of all your players. This is more indicative of the true value of a player and much less about, well a quarterback crapped his pants for most of the game, but then had two drives against a prevent defense and his fantasy numbers looked great. Here are a couple examples: Eli Manning against Seattle last season accumulated 26.3 fantasy points, good enough for 4th place on the week, but his WPA was -.20, which was more indicative of the crap game he had. In fact, his counterpart, Tavaris Jackson, outscored him in WPA .11 to -.20.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

15.01 BeefGravy AllStars Willis, Matt DEN WR
15.02 Avengers Vereen, Shane NEP RB
15.03 Sidewinders Powell, Bilal NYJ RB
15.04 Weekend Warriors Bironas, Rob TEN PK
15.05 Convicts Roberts, Andre ARI WR
15.06 Chefs James, LaMichael SFO RB (R)
15.07 Fearsome Foursome Bengals, Cincinnati CIN Def
15.08 Daemons Smith, Steve STL WR
15.09 Ragin Asian Jones, Taiwan OAK RB
15.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Cassel, Matt KCC QB
15.11 DESERT GRRLIE Hanson, Jason DET PK
15.12 The GSW Rule Brown, Ronnie SDC RB
15.13 Junk Yard Dogs Davis, Kellen CHI TE
15.14 Desperados Falcons, Atlanta ATL Def
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Weekend Warriors, Seattle D. I love them this year. Not as much as I love desk or lamp, but it’s still love.
Loser Sidewinders, Randy Bullock. Two kickers inside of 14 rounds.

8:23 PM – This is where it gets tough! Playing out the string – pretty much like the Red Sox are doing right now with essentially a minor league team playing at the big league level. I have to wonder if maybe some 90 years ago, this was a little bit how it was for the Red Sox. You know they dominated the 1900-1918, then they sold Babe Ruth and the franchise was never the same until 2004. You to think that most fans about 1922 or so thought to themselves, we will be back soon and, even if it takes ten years or so, we have been blessed beyond belief with this team. I may never see another Red Sox championship.

8:30 PM – Kicker Billy Cundiff was just taken. I wonder if Cundiff every was cornered in shop class by three bullies who stole his lunch and asked him “If this is your lunch why doesn’t it say Billy Cuntdiff on it.” Damn, Christine was another under-rated movie of the 80s. Mr. Lebay, “You shitter”, was classic, but by far my favorite part of that movie is when Arnie was pissed at his parents for not letting him keep Christine at home, so much so that he verbally assaulted them and stormed off. His dad chased him to “lay down the law”, and Arnie responded with “Get you mitts off me Mother Effer. {laughs and smacks dad’s face} I am hitting the sack!” Maybe that glorification of a rebellious spirit is why I have such a disdain for authority.

8:34 PM – Andre Caldwell after a lengthy delay goes to Sidewinders, 30 picks to go. It wouldn’t be a running log without the story (this is the year, I start to grow this story) about the time I took a little too long to make a pick and I got the “We waited that long for Mark Carrier”. To which, I chuckled and replied, “Yeah, it was tough, I came down to him and your mother. But then I remembered that your mother is worthless, so I went with Carrier.” He made a move toward me as though he wanted to dance, but before he got to me, I moved to quickly defuse the situation by offering gift. The gift? I purple felt bag with a drawstring tie. He read the knitted inscription, “Teeth” and calmly said, “Hey, thanks. What does this mean?” I responded “Well, if you take one more step toward me, it’s a place to put you fronts when I knock them out.” Five years from now, he will have pulled a gun on me and I will have gone Nico Toscani on him.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

16.01 Desperados Wilson, Russell SEA QB (R)
16.02 Junk Yard Dogs Patriots, New England NEP Def
16.03 The GSW Rule Nelson, David BUF WR
16.04 DESERT GRRLIE Cardinals, Arizona ARI Def
16.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Cundiff, Billy WAS PK
16.06 Ragin Asian Bennett, Martellus NYG TE
16.07 Daemons Jeffery, Alshon CHI WR (R)
16.08 Fearsome Foursome Best, Jahvid DET RB
16.09 Chefs Tannehill, Ryan MIA QB (R)
16.10 Convicts McCluster, Dexter KCC WR
16.11 Weekend Warriors Broncos, Denver DEN Def
16.12 Sidewinders Caldwell, Andre DEN WR
16.13 Avengers Hester, Devin CHI WR
16.14 BeefGravy AllStars Owens, Terrell FA* WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Russell Wilson. Say hello to Despy’s keeper for the next five years. Oh that’s right we are going auction next year, so it doesn’t matter.
Loser Convicts, Dexter McCluster. Yeah. It’s round 16, but with Hillis, Charles, Bowe, Moeaki and Baldwin, will there be any room for Dex?

8:47 PM – This is where is gets tough – tough to see, tough to read, tough to speak, you know after almost three hours in a bar with a mandatory spending amount of $100 a person, with everyone is trying to eat and/or drink to that amount, you can fill in the blanks of why it gets tough right now.

8:54 PM – Someone just dropped the Duece, as in Early Doucet. You know it’s healthy to drop an early duece, as well as a mid-morning, late afternoon and pre-sleep deuce. That’s right four deuce’s a day. By the looks of most of the owners, the hotel bathrooms are going to be busy tonight.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

17.01 BeefGravy AllStars Schilens, Chaz NYJ WR
17.02 Avengers Bailey, Dan DAL PK
17.03 Sidewinders Hightower, Tim FA* RB
17.04 Weekend Warriors Grant, Ryan FA* RB
17.05 Convicts Massaquoi, Mohamed CLE WR
17.06 Chefs Tynes, Lawrence NYG PK
17.07 Fearsome Foursome Clark, Dallas TBB TE
17.08 Daemons Chargers, San Diego SDC Def
17.09 Ragin Asian Newton, Cam CAR QB
17.10 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Tebow, Tim NYJ QB
17.11 DESERT GRRLIE Goodson, Mike OAK RB
17.12 The GSW Rule Green, Alex GBP RB
17.13 Junk Yard Dogs Vinatieri, Adam IND PK
17.14 Desperados Feely, Jay ARI PK
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner DESERT GRRLIE/GSW, Mike Goodson and Alex Green. The only thing between these two and a full work load is Darren Benson or Cedric McFadden.
Loser DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Tim Tebow. No way Rex allow this to turn into the Broncos 2011 season, no matter how bad Sanchez performs.

8:56 PM – ” ” – my notes were illegible for this entry so I can either go with an Eric Dickerson special, “Al, at halftime we’ve learned that water is wet. Back to you Al!” so I will go with another fantasy league idea. The rotisserie fantasy football league. Details:

  • Normal draft, either snake or auction
  • Weekly starting lineups
  • No head-to-head matchups, instead your team accumulates stats in various categories like Passing Yards, Rushing Yards, Receiving Yards, Total Points Scored, Turnovers, Receptions, Return Yards, Yards per Carry, Yards Per pass attempt, etc. Each team is ranked in those categories from 1 to 12 (for 12 team leagues). The points are calculated by adding one to the number of teams and subtracting the place in each category, for example, the team with the 5th most total points scored would receive 8 points for that category.

9:05 PM – It might be the best close to a draft ever – the “50K Hypothetical Question”, which I will now butcher the re-telling:

Son – “Dad, what’s the difference between a hypothetical and a realistic question?”

Dad – “Hmm, son, I tell you what, go ask your mom if should would sleep with the data entry boy for $50,000. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with board boy for $50,000.”

Son (comes back a while later) – “Dad, I asked them and they both said they would.”

Dad – “There is the difference Son, hypothetically we should be sitting on a 100K right now, but realistically we live with two Hos!”

Pick

Franchise

Selection

18.01 Desperados Morris, Alfred WAS RB (R)
18.02 Junk Yard Dogs Hardesty, Montario CLE RB
18.03 The GSW Rule Lewis, Marcedes JAC TE
18.04 DESERT GRRLIE Conner, John NYJ RB
18.05 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Bills, Buffalo BUF Def
18.06 Ragin Asian Doucet, Early ARI WR
18.07 Daemons Carter, Delone IND RB
18.08 Fearsome Foursome Barth, Connor TBB PK
18.09 Chefs Raiders, Oakland OAK Def
18.10 Convicts Weeden, Brandon CLE QB (R)
18.11 Weekend Warriors Walter, Kevin HOU WR
18.12 Sidewinders Hill, Stephen NYJ WR (R)
18.13 Avengers Titans, Tennessee TEN Def
18.14 BeefGravy AllStars Dolphins, Miami MIA Def
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Alfred Morris. I personally witnessed this kid chewing up the Colts today. He is my hero!
Loser DESERT GRRLIE, John Conner. Do we get fantasy points for leading a band of human renegades against futuristic cyborgs? I didn’t think so.

9:10 PM – Draft over, I am out of here. . .Oh damn, we didn’t meet our minimum. Oh course, Vegas is getting theirs! $200 short and with the “eating machine” gone to cash some winning football bets we might be in trouble. Problem solved, we will order more drinks – wait does it count towards our total if someone has to get their stomach pumped on-site?

Here is the list of additional items ordered to bring to hit the minimum:

  • A “Top Shelf” long island ice tea; that drink is still around? Wow I haven’t heard of that drink since 8th grade. Anyway, why was this owner not ordering “top shelf” from the beginning
  • Patron shots up a kazoo. Personally, I wanted to go for the bottle of Dom, so I could “make it rain” up in this bitch.
  • Enough deserts to feed a third world country

Did we hit our total? Finally, whew! Just about everyone has a green look to them, as they try to swallow a mouthful of food like they are at the end of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

Over/Under on total weight gain by the 16 participants – 79.5, just under five lbs a person. Not. Even. Close. Way. Way over!

Final thought – an owner stated towards the end of the draft, “I would be willing to come back to Vegas for the draft on milestone years!” That’s what I like to hear, see you all next year when the SFL will be old enough, 21, to gamble. Who doesn’t spend their 21st birthday in Vegas?

Fantasy Football Draft Day Running Log – “Dry Heat” edition

Here we go with a marathon 2-day running log capturing the excitement and pageantry of two live fantasy football drafts. One of those drafts is the 20-year anniversary the league better known as “Sizzling”. To commemorate the “Sizzling” anniversary the owners decided to hold the draft in the outer layer of hell, Las Vegas.

As has become tradition Colin’s here to call the fantasy winners and losers for each round, as well as provide inside information on what really happens at these drafts.

The first leg of the journey begins with the Friday night edition of the “Dry Heat” league, held at a place called Half Moon, where they have graced the place with pictures of random people playing sports with their pants half way down, exposing their crack, oh I get it “Half Moons”.

7:05 PM – With 10 minutes until the first pick is supposed to be made I can tell the crossover owners (five in total that are part of both leagues) who are either flying early in AM or, gulp, driving to Vegas the next day are getting nervous about the turnaround time. It will be interesting to see if the “day of” commuters for that league are at a disadvantage to the “day before” owners. I mean it is Vegas after all it might not be a huge advantage to be up there a day early, right? Think about one of the owners simply telling himself, “Ok, let’s hit a casino and have some fun. $200 and 2 hours is your limit. You lose the $200 you’re back in the hotel preparing for the draft. At the two hour mark, you politely excuse yourself to head back to the hotel”. Next thing said owner knows is its 6AM with them on a park bench.

Let’s set the stage on the venue – horrible lighting, not private as we have a group of about 10 or so that is giving us a look like “why are you infringing upon our time?” and we have Lou Diamond Phillips serving us. Pretty much an epic fail!

7:13 PM – Ron Is a new owner in this league when an owner dropped out at virtually the last minute for personal reasons. Huh? What person reason could ever prevent a person from participating in a fantasy league, I mean other than spontaneous colitis, I guess.

Anyway, Ron has been playing since 1984! Wow, 1984! That must have been something getting the weekly results on stone tablets delivered by the Pony Express on two Tuesdays after the week. Though I have heard that they used to have real time scoring via telegraph back in those days!

7:15 PM – And the first pick is . . . Still waiting. One interesting thing about this year is that “data entry boy”, the fine gentleman who volunteers his time to enter the picks into the computer is without his sidekick (kind of like Ace without Gary), “board boy”, the fine gentleman who volunteers his time to place the stickers on the draft board. We probably just lost roughly 75% of the comedic value of this running log. I am just warning you up front.

7:18 PM – Waiting . . . let’s try to predict the first round. Keepers that probably would have gone in the first round are Arian Foster, CJ.8K and Darren McFadden. Hmm, so given that I will go with the following prediction: 1. Aaron Rodgers, 2. Ray Rice, 3. LeSean McCoy, 4. Tom Brady, 5. Calvin Johnson, 6. Drew Brees, 7. Matt Forte, 8. Marshawn Lynch, 9. Jimmy Graham, 10. Andre Johnson, 11. Steven Jackson and 12. Maurice Jones-Drew.

I have it on good authority that if the first eight picks fall that way in order that Graham will be the 9th pick.

7:22 PM – Oh wow, wow! That is a shocker! Calvin Johnson is the first pick! I can’t see that over Rice or McCoy.

7:24 PM – This is really where it gets tough – at pick 1.3. And data entry boy already having problems at pick 1.3 – “How do you spell Rogers?”

7:28 PM – Pick #8 from a team named Blinkers On is Drew Brees, Cleveland Steamers on deck at #9 slams his notepad down loudly. Now that could mean one of two things – 1. He is gaming the other owner. The feeling a fantasy owner gets when they believe the just screwed a fellow owner out of a player is just below orgasmic. So how is does this con work? Well, let’s say an owner think he has hi-jacked another owners pick a few times early in the draft, his tendency, and that of all fantasy owners, would be to continue hi-jacking this guys picks even if it meant taking someone he doesn’t necessarily want. Once the “jacking” owner is in full fledged “eff-you” mode, the jacked owner has sucked him and can begin talking a little louder about his next pick and viola, the hi-jacking owner is fully under his power!; or 2. Steamers were legitimately screwed.

My guess is this was the latter – that was too much unadulterated anger to be merely an attempt to set up the owner.

And as predicted, the Steamers take Jimmy Graham with the 9th pick overall. Horrible pick, right? Well, let’s consider Steamers does not have a second round pick, therefore no chance to get Graham except at 9, the way the draft is going it appears that there will be plenty of RB available later, the league scoring benefits the TE and no Robert Meachem this year in New Orleans. Ok, forget that part about Meachem.

7:32 PM – Hakeem Nicks closes out the first round, and immediately his agent calls the Giants informing them that his client wants to renegotiate his contract.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

1.01 Convicts Johnson, Calvin DET WR
1.02 Annihilators Rice, Ray BAL RB
1.03 D’oh! Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB
1.04 The Dark Side McCoy, LeSean PHI RB
1.05 Clive City Council Forte, Matt CHI RB
1.06 Sugar Daddy’s Brady, Tom NEP QB
1.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR
1.08 Blinkers On Brees, Drew NOS QB
1.09 Cleveland Steamers Graham, Jimmy NOS TE
1.10 Fighting Squirrels Johnson, Andre HOU WR
1.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Lynch, Marshawn SEA RB
1.12 Desperados Nicks, Hakeem NYG WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner D’oh, lookie at what fell to me!
Loser Show Me Your TD’s, Fitz has first round talent, now we just need to tell Whisenhunt!

And the first pick of the 2nd round is Julio Jones. So far this draft is bringing to light that there is no value in running back this season, Julio Jones ahead of Steven Jackson or Jamaal Charles, that would have never back in the “RB/RB” days. Realistically outside of Foster, McCoy and Rice, everyone else is a crapshoot.

7:33 PM – Cam Newton goes in the 2nd, the surprise is that he was actually available and not a 17th round keeper like he is in just about every other league. The net effect of Cam’s once in a lifetime 2011 rookie season – Andrew Luck and RGIII will go about 10 rounds too early this season.

7:36 PM – I just realized that a keeper trade made in the off-season has allowed one team 4 of the top 26 picks, in addition to having Matthew Stafford as a keeper. So, after some investigation, someone paid a second round pick for Arian Foster and 16th rounder. Considering the owner of Arian Foster couldn’t keep him anyway, that is a “Herschel Walker to the Vikings” type of deal. And as we make our way to the end of the 2nd round, with three of those four picks – the roster is Brandon Marshall, Steve Smith, Ray Rice and Matthew Stafford. Clearly that is the favorite two rounds into the draft.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

2.01 Desperados Jones, Julio ATL WR
2.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Jackson, Steven STL RB
2.03 Clive City Council Newton, Cam CAR QB
2.04 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Charles, Jamaal KCC RB
2.05 Blinkers On Welker, Wes NEP WR
2.06 Annihilators Marshall, Brandon CHI WR
2.07 Sugar Daddy’s Jennings, Greg GBP WR
2.08 Fighting Squirrels White, Roddy ATL WR
2.09 The Dark Side Ryan, Matt ATL QB
2.10 D’oh! Hernandez, Aaron NEP TE
2.11 Annihilators Smith, Steve CAR WR
2.12 Convicts Cruz, Victor NYG WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Fighting Squirrels, Wow, Roddy White after Julio is amazing. I say Roddy is targeted more than Julio
Loser Cleveland Steamers,
no second round pick with a TE and a oft injured running back, not a good start

7:41 PM – There is a horrible vibe to this draft because – 1. The room is very dark; 2. It’s hard to hear picks as called; and 3. I just realized that ratio of male to female “half moon” pictures is about 50/50. Maybe this is a “Blue . . .” type of bar.

7:45 PM – Oh no, Steamers just made a critical mistake. I know a little about the history of this league, and it’s safe to say Steamers has dominated the league, winning two out of five years and having the highest career winning percentage. He is the Bill Belichick of this league. Well, that is until this year, where he has turned into Mike Martz. Either Steamer is trying to add a level of difficulty, like they do in Olympic diving or he is clueless. AP just went in between Clev’s picks of Fred Jackson and Ryan Mathews. Three weeks into the season, Steaming pile of roster crap won’t be able to trade both those guys for AP.

7:48 PM – Now I get it – this is a bizarro draft. It used to be a staple of every fantasy, running backs going early in drafts, but in this draft six RBs just went in the third round – and four of them are former first round fantasy running back. MJD, Doug Martin, Fred Jackson, Adrian Peterson, Ryan Mathews and Willis McGahee. Yeah, believe it or not McGahee was once drafted in the first round!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

3.01 Convicts Manning, Eli NYG QB
3.02 Annihilators Bryant, Dez DAL WR
3.03 D’oh! Jones-Drew, Maurice JAC RB
3.04 The Dark Side Martin, Doug TBB RB (R)
3.05 Clive City Council Colston, Marques NOS WR
3.06 Sugar Daddy’s Gates, Antonio SDC TE
3.07 Cleveland Steamers Jackson, Fred BUF RB
3.08 Blinkers On Peterson, Adrian MIN RB
3.09 Cleveland Steamers Mathews, Ryan SDC RB
3.10 Fighting Squirrels Wallace, Mike PIT WR
3.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC McGahee, Willis DEN RB
3.12 Desperados Rivers, Philip SDC QB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Fighting Squirrels, Wow, Roddy White after Julio is amazing. I say Roddy is targeted more than Julio this season.
Loser Cleveland Steamers,
no third round pick either.

7:51 PM – Some gay bashing by data entry boy – “Romo the Homo”, hmm, that’s the first time I’ve heard that. My guess is that was the number one cut on Romo starting in about third grade when one kid, sort of, knew what homo meant. You know the kid, the one with the swinger parents, who were very liberal with sharing sexual knowledge with little Johnny. So, even though the other kids had no clue what a “homo” was, it rolled off the tongue so well that they couldn’t stop themselves.

8:02 PM – Malcom Floyd goes in the 4th round. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that Floyd finally reaches his ceiling. Because you know that old rule about wide receivers in their 8th year. Or maybe everyone will realize once and for all that his ceiling is about 6′ 5″.

8:08 PM – What is this a state run league? We’re taking a break after the 4th round. Where are the four guys supervising data entry boy?

Pick

Franchise

Selection

4.01 Desperados Richardson, Trent CLE RB (R)
4.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Romo, Tony DAL QB
4.03 Fighting Squirrels Vick, Michael PHI QB
4.04 Cleveland Steamers Turner, Michael ATL RB
4.05 Blinkers On Jackson, DeSean PHI WR
4.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Lloyd, Brandon NEP WR
4.07 Sugar Daddy’s Gore, Frank SFO RB
4.08 Clive City Council Davis, Vernon SFO TE
4.09 The Dark Side Brown, Antonio PIT WR
4.10 D’oh! Floyd, Malcom SDC WR
4.11 Annihilators Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG RB
4.12 Convicts Green-Ellis, BenJarvus CIN RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner The Dark Side, Honestly, I don’t like any of these picks in this round, but Brown has the best chance to be a fantasy stud amongst this group
Loser D’oh,
not a fan of Floyd in any round, but especially not in round 4. Goodness, D’Oh how could you pass up the “Law Firm”. That’s what’s called a two for one bash!

8:16 PM – Dwayne Bowe is drafted in the 5th. You know what Dwayne Bowe is like the worst girlfriend ever. Come on, if you’ve ever had Bowe on your fantasy team, you know I am right. Need confirmation? Here you go, talking about the girlfriend. For starters you’ve put her on a pedestal, you have to have her, so once you get her you think you’re the king of the world. And for a while it seems good, even great, but then she starts staying out late without letting you know where she is. Eventually, she doesn’t come home at all. Finally, you tell her you’ve had it and cannot stand it, she has to go. She crys, begs you to stay, followed by a week of doting on you. Of course, you’re back to being king of the world at this point.

But the pattern is established soon she’s back to her old tricks. You go through the process until finally you catch her cheating on you, finally you tell her “that is it!” Until, about a year later when you see her out at a club where she tells you how miserable she is without you, how she wants you back and things will be different. For those without live scoring – “pedestal” is Bowe producing on a week 17 the prior year, “seems good” is the draft where you reach to get him, “staying out late” is the first four weeks of laying an egg, “not coming home” is benching him while he has his best game to date, “begging and doting” is back in the starting lineup, going off for three touchdowns, “cheating” is single handedly destroying your fantasy team during the fantasy playoffs and “seeing at the club” is a year later where you talk yourself back into him.

Now think about it, why deal with the maintenance of a “Dwayne Bowe”, when you can have a very consistent, adoring, loving, faithful Jeremy Maclin.

8:20 PM – Four rounds in and there a few of these teams with some serious positional deficiencies. I guess not every team was able to fleece a second round pick for a player that couldn’t be kept anyway. Almost through round 5 and the following teams have one running back: Convicts with BenJarvus Green-Ellis, cue the fantasy expert with the “I like the law firm, but more as a number three or flex guy”, Sugar Daddy’s with Frank Gore, uh, I think I would bet that Gore ends up number two on the 49ers in running back fantasy points and Fighting Squirrels with Chris Johnson, honestly, there is a lot of hype on CJ this year but I’ve watched him in pre-season and it’s not much different than last season – dude does not want to get hit, period! So, all the talk from Munchak about “expect big things from CJ” this season is nothing more than an over-bearing, enabling mom ignoring her son’s obvious addiction to crack! Or something like that.

In addition, Cleveland Steamers goes to battle with Percy Harvin as their number one WR; and D’Oh has two receivers but at this point in the draft one would expect to have more than Eric Decker and Malcom Floyd.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

5.01 Convicts Thomas, Demaryius DEN WR
5.02 Annihilators Smith, Torrey BAL WR
5.03 D’oh! Decker, Eric DEN WR
5.04 The Dark Side Bowe, Dwayne KCC WR
5.05 Clive City Council Greene, Shonn NYJ RB
5.06 Sugar Daddy’s Jackson, Vincent TBB WR
5.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Foster, Arian HOU RB
5.08 Blinkers On Maclin, Jeremy PHI WR
5.09 Cleveland Steamers Harvin, Percy MIN WR
5.10 Fighting Squirrels Witten, Jason DAL TE
5.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Wayne, Reggie IND WR
5.12 Desperados Bush, Reggie MIA RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Reggie Bush is no longer Reggie Bust
Loser The Dark Side,
Dwayne Bowe, good luck!

8:22 PM – Have I mentioned that this draft has a bad vibe to it this year? And I know it has been mentioned before, but this is where it really gets tough!

8:24 PM – Uh oh, Lou Diamond Phillips, thinking DA BOYZ was finished, just picked up a plate with enough carrots to feed a medium sized farm of bunnies for a week. DA BOYZ is not happy, not happy at all, he was saving those carrots for our next break after round six. Secretly, I am happy the server took the carrots, there are few things more annoying than listening to someone chomp, chomp, chomp on carrots while trying to concentrate on this ultra thrilling fantasy draft. Actually, maybe the chomping would have helped keep me awake.

8:27 PM – I cringe as the 2nd pick of the 6th round is Robert Meachem by the DA BOYZ FROM NYC. DA BOYZ relays a story to me about trying to trade for Meachem prior to the draft to make him a keeper for an 11th round pick. I tell him, 11th is a much better spot for him! Anyway, seems the owner who held the rights to Meachem wanted a third round pick. I know someone who would have paid that price. Clueless!

8:29 PM – “Does Steve Johnson play for Buffalo?” – Data Entry Boy. Two years in a row I have heard that comment about Stevie, albeit last year it was three rounds earlier last year. The thing is, while Steve Johnson is a common name, he is the only Stevie Johnson in the NFL and the only Steve Johnson who could be drafted in a non-IDP league.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

6.01 Desperados Garcon, Pierre WAS WR
6.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Meachem, Robert SDC WR
6.03 Fighting Squirrels Johnson, Chris TEN RB
6.04 Cleveland Steamers Johnson, Steve BUF WR
6.05 Blinkers On Pettigrew, Brandon DET TE
6.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Davis, Fred WAS TE
6.07 Sugar Daddy’s Stewart, Jonathan CAR RB
6.08 Clive City Council Heyward-Bey, Darrius OAK WR
6.09 The Dark Side Austin, Miles DAL WR
6.10 D’oh! Hillis, Peyton KCC RB
6.11 Annihilators Stafford, Matthew DET QB
6.12 Convicts Ingram, Mark NOS RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner The Dark Side, Miles Austin, outside of some minor injury concerns that’s a great pick in round 6. “Nice Pick”
Loser DA BOYZ FROM NYC,
Robert Meachem, see Dwayne Bowe

8:29 PM – Crap, Seattle is carving up Kansas City in KC. I can see the drunken square bettors stumbling to the betting window to play the over on the Seahawks season wins, thus forcing that number north before I get up there and have a chance to hammer the over. Reason 1,103 why this draft sucks – I couldn’t head up to Vegas the day before to get acclimated to the altitude. The highlights from that game just showed a great catch by T.O. – coming up next to the Dry Heat league, Terrell Owens in the 7th round.

8:35 PM – Is there a more punch-able face in the MLB than Nick Swisher? Of course A-Rod has the “most punch-able face” in the history of the world, so we cannot include him in the discussion. But Swisher has to be right there, right? With that smart-aleck look on his face about 99.9% of the time, you know the one where he loves to be hated, like Derek Huff in Step Brothers, except without the abs of steel and, Swisher looks like he lives in Carb city.

8:40 PM – Peyton Manning is drafted in round 7! Steamers let out a “Let’s go Donkeys!” Good luck with him as your number uno, one whiplash hit and homie is going to look like a bobble head.

8:42 PM – Stevan Ridley goes in the 7th because you know the Patriots love to ride one guy. Here is a proposal for a new rule for next year – each owner gets the option of doing a one-time coupling of same position, teammates together provided that both are available when drafting. For example, an owner can couple J-Stew and DeAngelo Williams together, which means all fantasy points would be combined for the pair as one position. It would certainly liven up a draft like this, though you would have to think the first 12 picks would have to be couplings. Let’s think about what the first round would look like in a complete re-draft league:

  1. A. Foster/B.Tate – HOU
  2. J. Jones/R.White – ATL
  3. V. Cruz/H. Nicks – NYG
  4. M. Austin/D. Bryant – DAL
  5. R. Gronkowski/A. Hernandez – NEP
  6. J. Charles/P. Hillis – KC
  7. J. Stewart/D. Williams – CAR
  8. M. Forte/M. Bush – CHI
  9. F. Jackson/C.J. Spiller – BUF
  10. M. Wallace/A. Brown – PIT
  11. J. Maclin/D. Jackson – PHI
  12. A. Peterson/T. Gerhart – MIN
Pick

Franchise

Selection

7.01 Convicts Williams, Ryan ARI RB
7.02 Annihilators Young, Titus DET WR
7.03 D’oh! Moore, Denarius OAK WR
7.04 The Dark Side Brown, Donald IND RB
7.05 Clive City Council Green, A.J. CIN WR
7.06 Sugar Daddy’s Rice, Sidney SEA WR
7.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Holmes, Santonio NYJ WR
7.08 Blinkers On Wells, Beanie ARI RB
7.09 Cleveland Steamers Manning, Peyton DEN QB
7.10 Fighting Squirrels Ridley, Stevan NEP RB
7.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Gonzalez, Tony ATL TE
7.12 Desperados Tamme, Jacob DEN TE
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner The Dark Side, Donald Brown. Getting a starting running back who will get the majority of the touches in the 7th round qualifies as a steal
Loser Sugar Daddy’s,
Sidney Rice. Bottom line this is a legacy pick, dude’s not going to be a factor again, regardless of how good he could have been.

8:45 PM – The 8th round, this is where it gets tough!

8:47 PM – This is more like a croquet match than a fantasy draft – translation – really, really boring.

8:51 PM – Nick Swisher might have the most punch-able face in MLB right now, but Roger Clemens has the most punch-able face in the world. I mean if given one free shot to the kisser of either, Clemens or Ayman al-Zawahiri, for me it’s Clemens every day and twice on Sunday. By the way, al-Zawahiri is the new leader of the al-Qaeda now that bin Laden has been killed again.

The mention of al-Qaeda, it really makes me wonder what is going on in this country that a mere 15 months ago the masses were chanting “U-S-A, U-S-A” and “O-BAH-MAH” after we got bin Laden. And yet those same masses are now the primary reason Mitt Romney has pulled even in the latest presidential polls.

Anyway, yeah, Clemens has the most punch-able face, even more so now that Raj has put on weight. And if Clemens were a chick wouldn’t he complain about, “When I gain weight it all goes to my face!” He is giving Hilary Clinton a real run for largest jowls on the planet. Or maybe, Roger is simply back on the juice and his head is growing at the rate of the illegal’s setting up shop in the US (well, at least they’re paying taxes). Clemens is on the news proclaiming Lance Armstrong innocence. Lance get ready for a supportive call from Clemens – “If you believe it hard enough, hoss, then it’s true!” Ok, Raja! Good God, just go away already!

Back to the draft – there was a mini-run on tight ends – Owen Daniels, Dustin Keller and Greg Olsen. I like Olsen to beat the combined score of Keller and Daniels.

Another break, at this pace I might just be able to leave from here to the airport.

Hmm, I see the Bucs plowed the Patriots tonight. Nice, everyone one of my sleeper teams is looking great the night before I can bet on them. And you know, the Bucs take care of the Pats in week three and all of a sudden every “Johnny D-Bag” is like,” you know that Bucs team might not be so bad, we should bet on the season win over.” It only takes a few bettors to make these bookies nervous these days, with the margins so tight and the reality that football is what keeps most books in business. Ugh!

Pick

Franchise

Selection

8.01 Desperados Daniels, Owen HOU TE
8.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Keller, Dustin NYJ TE
8.03 Fighting Squirrels Olsen, Greg CAR TE
8.04 Cleveland Steamers Blackmon, Justin JAC WR (R)
8.05 Blinkers On Benson, Cedric GBP RB
8.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Britt, Kenny TEN WR
8.07 Sugar Daddy’s Helu, Roy WAS RB
8.08 Clive City Council Boldin, Anquan BAL WR
8.09 The Dark Side Wilson, David NYG RB (R)
8.10 D’oh! McFadden, Darren OAK RB
8.11 Annihilators Schaub, Matt HOU QB
8.12 Convicts Gronkowski, Rob NEP TE
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Blinkers On, Cedric Benson. Why not? He looks to be the lead back in a fairly effective offense.
Loser DA BOYZ FROM NYC,
Dustin Keller. For someone who constantly complains about Sanchez. . .

9:13 PM – “And the run on kickers begins . . .” not really, it’s the 9th round, way too early for a kicker. Though I think, given the keeper rules, the days of taking a kicker with the last pick are over, those last few picks have to be reserved for the Cam Newtons, RG III and Andrew Luck type of guys that you can get late and stash.

9:14 PM – A certain lifelong Rams fan and noted Cardinals homer just took his second 49er of the draft – Michael Craptree. Reason #246 “Why I hate Fantasy football” – I fan of a team has become so numb that they draft players from teams they have cheered for before fantasy football. It’s like the ultimate hedge – well, if the 49ers crush the Rams but Craptree has a big game well then that’s ok because my fantasy team had a big game! Mark it down fantasy football will be death of the NFL!

9:13 PM – And the cherry on rookie quarterbacks is broken. RG III in the ninth round, meaning that with the current rules, he can be kept for two additional years. The rules state that an owner can keep a player drafted in 4th or later rounds for one year at the originally drafted round. In successive years the player can be kept for three rounds earlier until the keeper round is inside three. So, by pulling the trigger on RGIII in the 9th, the owner shorted himself one year of having RGIII. But it appears as though this owner is going “all in” on RG III, as this is his only quarterback.

9:17 PM – Mike Williams, WR, TB just went. Since there have been more than a few Mike Williams, WR, it got me thinking about another new rule – the first owner to draft a player gets all fantasy points for that name. Mike Williams gets you all the points for Mike Williams of Tampa Bay and the Mike Williams of Seattle.

9:18 PM – So, if I told you that a running back split would be the following – carries – RB1- 50%, RB2 – 40% and RB3 – 10%, receptions RB1 – 20%, RB2 – 50% and RB3 – 30% and goal line carries – RB1 – 10%, RB2 – 30% and RB3 – 60%, would you guess that RB1 went four rounds later than RB2? I should also mention that this team has QB1 who scored somewhere around 800 rushing touchdowns last season (14 actually). DeAngelo Williams is still available in the 9th round, Jonathon Stewart went in the 6th. Hmmm.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

9.01 Convicts Moore, Lance NOS WR
9.02 Annihilators Celek, Brent PHI TE
9.03 D’oh! Akers, David SFO PK
9.04 The Dark Side Washington, Nate TEN WR
9.05 Clive City Council Smith, Kevin DET RB
9.06 Sugar Daddy’s Crabtree, Michael SFO WR
9.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Griffin III, Robert WAS QB (R)
9.08 Blinkers On Fleener, Coby IND TE (R)
9.09 Cleveland Steamers Williams, Mike TBB WR
9.10 Fighting Squirrels Flacco, Joe BAL QB
9.11 Fighting Squirrels Wright, Kendall TEN WR (R)
9.12 Desperados Cutler, Jay CHI QB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Jay Cutler. Big time talent on that Bears offense, enough so that not even Cutler can screw it up.
Loser D’oh,
David Akers. OK, so even if David Akers is the number one kicker this year, is he really that much better than the second or third best kicker. And I would make a bet that Akers won’t finish in the top five.

9:27 PM – Felix Jones goes in the 10th round, I asked the Demarco Murray owner if he was upset not to get the handcuff. He told me he would rather have a zero than Felix Jones. Yeah, I think Felix is a little bit like Malcom Floyd, with seemingly endless potential but the reality is they just aren’t that good. In Felix’ case he wouldn’t be on an NFL roster if he attended any other college besides Arkansas.

9:29 PM – Bilal Powell is selected with the beaming owner proclaiming “he will be the starting running back by week three.” Hmm, yeah just like Delone Carter in 2011, Kareem Huggins in 2010 and James Davis in 2009.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

10.01 Desperados Rodgers, Jacquizz ATL RB
10.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Collie, Austin IND WR
10.03 Clive City Council Roethlisberger, Ben PIT QB
10.04 Cleveland Steamers Rudolph, Kyle MIN TE
10.05 Blinkers On Fitzpatrick, Ryan BUF QB
10.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Williams, DeAngelo CAR RB
10.07 Sugar Daddy’s Jones, Felix DAL RB
10.08 Clive City Council Gerhart, Toby MIN RB
10.09 The Dark Side Gresham, Jermaine CIN TE
10.10 D’oh! Starks, James GBP RB
10.11 Annihilators Powell, Bilal NYJ RB
10.12 Convicts Moss, Randy SFO WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Cleveland Steamers, Kyle Rudolph. I have to throw my boy Steamer a bone here, tough draft, but he might have netted a top 10 TE in the 10th round.
Loser Sugar Daddy’s,
Felix Jones. Completely worthless and psst, he won’t be the guy to take over if Murray gets hurt.

9:35 PM – Oh man, now that was a ballsy move. It appears as though the Red Sox and Dodgers have completed a mega deal that will send Josh Beckett, aka the cancer, Adrian Gonzalez, Carl “I used to steal bases, now I just steal money” Crawford and Nick Punto to the Dodgers. As a Sawx fan, I really, really hate to see Punto go! I guess the Dodgers are printing money over at 1000 Elysian Park Ave because they only way a team would ever take on that much useless payroll would be if they had money to burn. Do you think the bank that approved the financing for the $2 billion is getting a little nervous that this team won’t be able to make their payments? And how did the Sox forget to include John Lackey included in this deal, or was that the tipping point? The Dodgers said, “Yeah, we will take Lackey but you have to give us Middlebrooks as well.”

This is a win/win deal for both teams – for the Red Sox they shed 260 million in payroll for under-performing players. Simply put Carl Crawford was a horrible fit in Boston, but in LA where “there better things to do than analyze the swing of a player who relies on speed in an attempt to determine whether they can still hit over .300 when their speed is gone” he will be back to swiping 50 bags a year, hitting over .300 and playing above average defense.

Beckett’s time in Boston had come, but in the National League west he has a chance to shine. Just imagine being a pitcher in the American League, where most nights you have to face nine competent hitters. It’s grueling and for a pitcher who has lost his best stuff, well, it’s deadly. But now you get to go to the National League, where once every couple innings steps up the pitcher. Plus, most NL teams play small-ball, so they’re constantly giving away free outs. It’s like heaven. And don’t think he won’t benefit from being out of Boston and the limelight, either.

Gonzalez is the piece of this deal that hurts the most to watch leave, but again, one thing the Red Sox front office has done a poor job of in the past seven years is forgetting where they play baseball. The Sawx play 162 seasons each year and if they qualify for the post-season the intensity is tripled. Gonzalez isn’t ill-suited for that environment, but he is a west coast guy, he’ll thrive in LA, he was mediocre in Boston.

The Sox came out ahead on this deal if they received a box of autographed game used Magic Johnson shoes, the fact they got a couple top 15 prospects is a bonus.

Hey wait, I just remembered this is about football, yeah, football.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

11.01 Convicts Simpson, Jerome MIN WR
11.02 Annihilators Spiller, C.J. BUF RB
11.03 D’oh! Tate, Ben HOU RB
11.04 The Dark Side Finley, Jermichael GBP TE
11.05 Clive City Council Cook, Jared TEN TE
11.06 Sugar Daddy’s Cassel, Matt KCC QB
11.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Moss, Santana WAS WR
11.08 Blinkers On Nelson, Jordy GBP WR
11.09 Cleveland Steamers Royster, Evan WAS RB
11.10 Fighting Squirrels Thomas, Pierre NOS RB
11.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC LaFell, Brandon CAR WR
11.12 Desperados Little, Greg CLE WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Brandon Lafell. Number two in Carolina, with a lousy defense and a quarterback who loves to throw. Plus, you have to figure Steve Smith will be hurt for a couple of games this year.
Loser Convicts,
Jerome Simpson. Everyone is a flier here, but I would rather have Lafell, Moss or Little ahead of Simpson.

9:40 PM – This is where it gets really tough – Round 12! Here is an idea for a new fantasy league, probably mentioned in a previous year’s draft log, but here it is again:

  • Draft takes place prior to week seven, say on a Tuesday
  • Same structure as this league – 12 teams, three divisions, play against average, etc.
  • Auction style draft with no keepers, every year is a complete re-draft
  • Everyone still plays a full season long schedule, including weeks one through six. Those lineups are submitted after the draft with the “max value lineup”, records are compiled up to that point.
  • Weeks seven through thirteen are normal play weeks with each owner submitted a lineup; the exception is that the double-header against league opponents is week 13 instead of week one

Essentially you have 12 “retro” games and 14 new games. Complicated? Yes, but the thing is you get six weeks to figure out just about everything in a given season other than who will be injured after week 7. Here is a short list of pluses:

  1. You know who is pulling the “I just got paid and have no desire to play” move, a la Chris Johnson.
  2. You can get idea of what teams actually have a good defense, therefore, it makes it easier to determine a how tough a player’s playoff schedule will be
  3. A random huge game, like Chad Henne’s 45 points in week one last week make him a viable target, especially if you settled on Matt Ryan as your main guy. Ryan scored 12 points in week one, his second lowest point total of the season. Henne is a 34 point bump, for say a couple bucks late in the draft.
  4. The auction would be freaking intense
Pick

Franchise

Selection

12.01 Desperados Mendenhall, Rashard PIT RB
12.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Cobb, Randall GBP WR
12.03 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Hillman, Ronnie DEN RB (R)
12.04 Cleveland Steamers Baldwin, Jon KCC WR
12.05 Blinkers On Amendola, Danny STL WR
12.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Locker, Jake TEN QB
12.07 Sugar Daddy’s Bess, Davone MIA WR
12.08 Clive City Council Leshoure, Mikel DET RB
12.09 The Dark Side Luck, Andrew IND QB (R)
12.10 D’oh! Baldwin, Doug SEA WR
12.11 Annihilators Jeffery, Alshon CHI WR (R)
12.12 Convicts Bush, Michael CHI RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Rashard Mendenhall, here is the thing with Mendy, we know he isn’t going on the PUP, so that means within six weeks he makes his debut. Let’s say to get 100% healthy and in game shape it takes him four weeks. That means worst case scenario you have probably a top 20 running for weeks 10-16 for a 12th round pick. Genius!
Loser Show Me Your TDs,
Jake Locker. I not really sure why the Titans are going with Locker, he just isn’t that good.

9:45 PM – Heading to round 13 for the better part of the draft I couldn’t tell if I was at the library studying for a final or witnessing a fantasy draft. If there was ever a league that should draft online, it would be this one. Goodness why waste the time, money and energy to get together, when we could pull this off on a random Wednesday night!

9:48 PM – Steve Breatson is the pick, which makes that the third WR from the Chiefs drafted in the first 13 rounds. Wow, does everyone realize Matt Cassel is the Chiefs quarterback? Anyway, I wish that the Chiefs would sign the following players to complement Breaston: WR Johnny Juggs, RB Billy Titons, TE Tyson Rack and QB Freddy Nipps.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

13.01 Convicts Palmer, Carson OAK QB
13.02 Annihilators Vereen, Shane NEP RB
13.03 D’oh! Breaston, Steve KCC WR
13.04 The Dark Side Jennings, Rashad JAC RB
13.05 Clive City Council Quick, Brian STL WR (R)
13.06 Sugar Daddy’s Dickson, Ed BAL TE
13.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Bennett, Martellus NYG TE
13.08 Blinkers On Manningham, Mario SFO WR
13.09 Cleveland Steamers Hankerson, Leonard WAS WR
13.10 Fighting Squirrels Redman, Isaac PIT RB
13.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Hunter, Kendall SFO RB
13.12 Desperados Henderson, Devery NOS WR
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Desperados, Devery Henderson. Still a starting WR in a pass happy, run up the score offense.
Loser Annililators,
Shane Vereen. Vereen just limped off the field with an injury.

9:55 PM – Do you think that Isiah Pead has heard the one about “Isiah Peed himself”? Is that a Berman-ism – “The Rams hand the ball off t0 Isiah Pead ‘his pants’ and he scampers into the end zone.” Or “Bradford with a short dump off to Isiah Pead ‘the bed’ who takes to the house for a St. Louis touchdown.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

14.01 Desperados Pead, Isaiah STL RB (R)
14.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Dalton, Andy CIN QB
14.03 Fighting Squirrels Nelson, David BUF WR
14.04 Cleveland Steamers Freeman, Josh TBB QB
14.05 Blinkers On Lewis, Marcedes JAC TE
14.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Robinson, Laurent JAC WR
14.07 Sugar Daddy’s Gostkowski, Stephen NEP PK
14.08 Clive City Council Janikowski, Sebastian OAK PK
14.09 The Dark Side Sanders, Emmanuel PIT WR
14.10 D’oh! Blount, LeGarrette TBB RB
14.11 Annihilators Hartley, Garrett NOS PK
14.12 Convicts Prater, Matt DEN PK
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Show Me Your TDs, Laurent Robinson. Someone has to catch the ball in Jacksonville, Robinson was fairly effective last season in Dallas.
Loser Desperados,
Isiah Pead. Not a 100% sure he is going to get the carries if something happens to S-Jax. Plus, S-Jax is the guy and really doesn’t get hurt.

10:02 PM – Two more rounds, no comments, I just want to get out of here. Well, I guess I have one comment – “This is where it gets tough!”

Pick

Franchise

Selection

15.01 Convicts Massaquoi, Mohamed CLE WR
15.02 Annihilators James, LaMichael SFO RB (R)
15.03 D’oh! Winslow, Kellen FA* TE
15.04 The Dark Side Bradford, Sam STL QB
15.05 Clive City Council Thomas, Daniel MIA RB
15.06 Sugar Daddy’s Walter, Kevin HOU WR
15.07 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Crosby, Mason GBP PK
15.08 Blinkers On Bailey, Dan DAL PK
15.09 Cleveland Steamers Bironas, Rob TEN PK
15.10 Fighting Squirrels Royal, Eddie SDC WR
15.11 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Cumberland, Jeff NYJ TE
15.12 Desperados Feely, Jay ARI PK
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Clive City Council, Daniel Thomas. Round 15, if anything happens to Bush. Remember he was expected to be the guy last year.
Loser DA BOYZ FROM NYC,
Jeff Cucumber. Never heard of this guy and in general I hate players named after a vegetable.

10:17 PM – We only went 16 rounds and all but one team had a keeper, meaning that we actually only drafted 15 rounds of players but this felt like jammed the entire 61 rounds of the MLB draft into a single day.

Pick

Franchise

Selection

16.01 Desperados Sproles, Darren NOS RB
16.02 DA BOYZ FROM NYC Hanson, Jason DET PK
16.03 Fighting Squirrels Bryant, Matt ATL PK
16.04 Cleveland Steamers Murray, DeMarco DAL RB
16.05 Blinkers On Tate, Golden SEA WR
16.06 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Scott, Bernard CIN RB
16.07 Sugar Daddy’s Brown, Ronnie SDC RB
16.08 Fighting Squirrels Jacobs, Brandon SFO RB
16.09 The Dark Side Gould, Robbie CHI PK
16.10 D’oh! Skelton, John ARI QB
16.11 Show Me Your TDs!!!! Ford, Jacoby OAK WR
16.12 Convicts Hightower, Tim FA* RB
Colin Wynner calls the round winner and loser:
Winner Sugar Daddy’s, Ronnie Brown. Likely to get at least three starts, in a good offense.
Loser Fighting Squirrels, Brandon Jacobs. Gore, Hunter, Dixon ahead of him on the depth chart, plus they have a running quarterback – what value does Jacobs bring that they don’t already have?

Good luck to all this season, may all your fantasy dreams come true!