Colin’s NFL Season Prediction Rules!

In 2011, I mentioned the idea that the NFL is that it is a league is entirely predictable, despite the incessant claims that “you just can’t figure this league out”. In fact, the contrary is true. Yep, by simply using history as our guide we see that the NFL is entirely, almost eerily, predictable. And with that I unveil Colin’s official “NFL Season Prediction Rules” to help guide you in making season predictions as well as help you hammer out some profitable season win totals.

NFL 2003 - 2016

The first step is looking at history in the following areas – overall home wins, playoff turnover from year-to-year and number of teams that experience either the euphoric feeling of 4+ additional wins or the day after a bender feeling of 4+ losses. The table to the right lists regular season home team wins, new playoff teams and teams with +/- 4 wins dating back to the 2003 season. I use the 2003 season because that is one year after the NFL re-aligned the divisions to the current format. This is also when the NFL was fully transformed from a league where defense and running the ball were staples of success to “you have to be able to throw the football to win”. And I throw out the first season of the NFL re-alignment due expansion and new division match-ups for numerous teams.

Based on the data above we can be fairly certain of a few things for any NFL season – 1. The home teams will win somewhere between 140-152 games; and will more often will fall in the 143-147 range; 2. We will have at least 6 new playoff teams each year; and 3. There will be at least 10 teams that have a difference of wins from 2010 of four or more. I can also add one more nugget – at least one team will go from last to first in their division. That has happened at least once every year since 2002.

The data tells is that the NFL is certainly predictable, however, therein lies the problem, while being predictable at this summary level, the NFL is capriciously un-predictable at the detail level. Yup, that’s the problem we know 6 new teams will make the playoffs from year to year, however, I cannot make a wager that there will be “six new playoff teams”. We actually have to figure out the specific teams and make the wagers accordingly! Fortunately for all of us, I am giving out the exact steps to predicting where each team will fall.

Steps for NFL season predictions:

  • Determine the teams that have the potential to fall into +/- 4 categories. For starters, we can obviously throw out any record that would cause a team to go over 16 wins or under 0 wins; Next the likelihood of a 0/1/15/16 win team is about 1 in every three seasons, so unless that is due, we can throw those records out as well. Finally, a 14 win team happens about once a year, as does a 2 win team. Therefore, I have to take into consideration all previous season’s 10 and 6 win teams make either the leap to 14 or fall off the map to 2. Even with that concession, the list is dramatically reduced.
  • Group the teams into categories where they most likely will fall, either +4 or -4 wins. This is much harder than it sounds but using Bill Barnwell’s2012 well written piece on “new school stats“, we can begin to see where teams might go south and what teams are looking up. I also incorporate the new schedule, how fragile is a team, both mentally and physically and pre-season hype. Of course, this is also where personal opinion plays a huge part as well.
  • Download the complete NFL schedule into Excel or a database system. Start with the teams that you feel will most likely end up with +/- 4 wins. Run through their schedule, giving a win or a loss to each game. Remember at this step that it is very easy to take wins for granted, yet each year we see places where teams trip up. Keep in mind “look ahead” situations, non-conference games that overall mean less in the standings, games before a bye, third road game in a row, west traveling east and vice-versa and occasionally you just have to assign a loss because a team is due for one.
  • Apply wins and losses to the remaining teams, remembering that those teams have to fit within the parameters of already set teams from the above steps.
  • Final sweep to make sure I have followed the rules and fix teams that are seem slightly “off”. We call this step “Colin’s personal touch”. Yup, this is where the whole thing goes up in smoke!
  • Once you’ve made it through the entire schedule and you have your full complement of +/- 4 teams, check the standings to make sure you have six new playoff teams and at least one “worst to first” team. If not, it’s back to the drawing board with determining wins and losses for the +/- 4 teams.
  • Updated 2014: Normalize home wins to somewhere between 148 and 154 wins; there is a little bit of flexibility here, but not much. A tip here, is if you have division teams splitting, split them so both road teams win. You’d be surprised how often that happens.
  • Update for 2016: Home wins in 2015 dipped to the lowest total since 2006 at 138.  In 2007, the total bounced back to 147 and I expect 2016 the total home wins to be back in the target range of 143-148 (9 out of last 13 seasons).  I am going to make a slight adjustment to the number of new playoff teams.  From 2003-2010, the average new playoff teams averaged 7; conversely, from 2012-2015, the average is 4.5; with 2011 being 6.  I believe the dip is due to a couple of things – 1. the practice restrictions in place recently give the more well run franchises a significant advantage (Seahawks, Pats, Packers, Steelers); and 2. the current batch of hall of fame quarterbacks (Brady, Roethlisberger, Rodgers).

2011 NFL Week 11 Fantasy Football – Diamonds and Not So Rough

It’s time for Week 11 edition of my Diamonds and Not So Rough column. Looking back at Week 10 it was not a good week for my Diamonds, but a winning week for my Not So Rough players. Only one of my Diamonds hit the 15 point mark which was only good for 20%, while four of My Not So Rough players scored under 20 points which was good for 80%.

Week 10 Diamonds (20% wins):

  • WR Earl Bennett came up just short with 11.1 points against the Lions.
  • RB Pierre Thomas had a totally disappointing game scoring only 4.8 points and handing me another loss.
  • TE Owen Daniels disappeared again and managed only three catches and 6/1 points.
  • WR Jordy Nelson scored twice and his 20.8 points gave me my only winning Diamonds call of the week.
  • RB Willis McGahee was injured on his fourth carry of the game and piled up only 1.7 points ending my week at 1-4 for my Diamonds.

Week 10 Not So Rough (80% wins):

  • WR Marques Colston gave me a scare as a touchdown would have pushed him over 20 points. His 15.3 points made me a winner with this pick.
  • QB Tom Brady destroyed the weak Jets defense and scored 31.36 points handing me my only Not So Rough player loss for the week.
  • RB Fred Jackson was shutdown as I expected and his 12.5 score made me a winner.
  • WR Mike Wallace struggled against the Bengals and his 11.5 points gave me my third winner of the week.
  • WR Dewayne Bowe was shutdown even more than I expected by CB Champ Bailey and Bowe’s 2.7 points made me the easiest of winners.

As a reminder, the scoring system I will use to grade my performance is this:

  • All touchdowns 6 points
  • .04 point per yard passing
  • .1 per yard for rushing/receiving,
  • points per receptions > .25 RB/.50 WR/1.00 all others;
  • -1 per interception
  • -3 for interception return for TDs (also known as pick sixes).

Also to remind the readers for the Diamonds I’m looking for a 60% success ratio and I’m looking for the same 60% for the Not So Rough players. A Diamond must score at least 15 points in the scoring system listed above while a Not So Rough player must score under 20 to be considered a success.

So without further adieu here are my Week 11 picks for Diamonds:

Aaron Hernandez TE New England Patriots

This is the week both Patriots tight ends break loose against the Chiefs defense on Monday night. Hernandez is looking at eight catches 80 yards and a touchdown or 22 points.

Matt Hasselbeck QB Tennessee Titans

The Falcons defense will focus on stopping Titans RB Chris Johnson and Hasselbeck will take advantage of that situation throwing for 250 yards and two touchdowns or 22 points.

Cam Newton QB Carolina Panthers

RookieNewtonstruggled last week against the Titans defense, but this week it’s the Lions secondary. The Panthers will be playing from behind all day andNewtonwill hit 300 total yards and two touchdowns easily smashing the 15 point mark.

Vernon Davis TE San   Francisco 49ers

Yes, the Cardinals struggle to cover the tight end and yes they really struggle to cover All Pro Tight Ends.Daviswill be Alex Smith’s favorite target this week so look for seven catches, 90 yards and one, maybe two touchdowns. 22 points seems to be the theme this week.

Reggie Bush RB Miami Dolphins

Never thought I would utter the words Reggie Bush on this blog space, but after a few good games I have to give him his due. Add in the fact it’s the Bills defense and Reggie scores another touchdown and adds over 100 total yards to break the 15 point barrier.

Now for the Not So Roughs:

Phillip Rivers QB San Diego Chargers

Yes, the Chargers are way out of synch. A matchup on the road with the Bears defense and with several of his offensive linemen missing will do nothing to fix Rivers’ ailments. 200 yards, two touchdowns and three more picks. 17 points is short of the needed 20.

Vincent Jackson WR San Diego Chargers

See Rivers right above for the explanation of why VJ is on this list. VJ will catch five balls for about 80 yards and a score. That equates to only 16.5 points which is under 20.

Roddy White WR Atlanta Falcons

He’ll most likely be playing this game without receiving mate Julio Jones which means more double teams against Roddy. Couple that fact with theTennesseedefense and it’s obvious Roddy is not a good play this week as he scores well under 20 points. Four catches for 40 yards and a touchdown is only 12 points.

DeSean Jackson WR Philadelphia Eagles

Sure he’ll be out to prove something this week after last week’s missed meeting and sitting out the Week 10 game. Problem is twofold, he’ll most likely be without QB Mike Vick and he faces a good Giants defense. Looks for a stat line right about the same as Roddy White above. Oh yes, mix in the fact that WR Jeremy Maclin will probably be out too and this is an easy pick.

DeWayne Bowe WR Kansas City Chiefs

Yes he’s a repeat offender on this list. No, he’s not facing the Broncos defense and Champ Bailey this week and yes the Patriots defense has been burned over and over again this year. Problem for Bowe this week is at quarterback where he will have Tyler Palko throwing to him Monday night.    He’ll improve from last week, but not come anywhere the 20 point mark this week.

Wynner’s Weekly “CJ’s and Beasts”, Week Seven edition!

Welcome to the Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy “CJ’s and Beasts”, week seven edition. A quick reminder the “CJ’s” are named after the biggest under-performer of the 2011 fantasy season, running back Chris Johnson, aka CJ268. Conversely, the “Beasts” are the anti-Chris Johnson’s better known as players who sack up for their fantasy owners.

Disclaimer: The “CJs” are subject to a name change, based on Chris Johnson finishing any single week in the running back top three.

Now that you’ve stop laughing at the disclaimer, let’s get on with the column.

CJ268 Update Week Seven

Eighteen yards against the “surprisingly” stout Texans defense. 18 yards! 18! Even the Seahawk, running out of bounds version of Franco Harris could muster more than 18 yards!

This post game comment from Texans linebacker Bryan Cushing tells us all we need to know:

“He (CJ268) is one of those guys who is a home run hitter. If you hit him early, I think it kind of deters him a little bit,”

Man, could Cushing be any more degrading to CJ268? For starters, he basically calls Johnson a pu$$y by stating that a solid early hit deters him. The reality is in 2011, CJ268 doesn’t get hit; he falls down before contact. Also, Cushing called CJ268 one-dimensional, the Dave Kingman of running backs.

This is old news if you have had the misfortune of owning CJ268 this season, in fact you’ve probably been through the five stages of grief, mourning the loss of your, likely, first round pick:

Denial (Weeks 1 and 2) – He will come around, he just needs a couple weeks to get into shape. He will be a terror in the fantasy playoffs and that’s when you want his “A” game.

Anger (Weeks 2 and 3) – I will never forgive those “D-Bags” who let CJ268 slide to the point where I had no choice but to take him. Why does that always happen to me? I cannot catch break!

Bargaining (Weeks 4 and 5) – Maybe I can package CJ268 with another mid-range, forgettable player and get Arian Foster. At this point CJ268 isn’t CJ2K, but even if he becomes CJ1.3K, that would be 100 yards per game. Someone will buy that, right?

Depression (Week 6) – CJ268 is not coming back, is he? I just spent all week in a dark room, laying in bed with the drapes drawn wearing my CJ268 jersey.

Acceptance (Week 7) – It’s okay, I will be okay, I will find a way to win with the waiver week du jour. I no longer will have irrational, obsessive thoughts of ending CJ268’s season with a billy club and brass knuckles.

The heat on CJ268 is turned up as he basically called out his O-Line this week by telling the Tennessee media that “He’s not the problem.” Therefore, I would be shocked if we don’t see CJ268’s best game of 2011 this week against the Colts. I think his ego is bruised and CJ268 figures that the Colts will present very little resistance. After which, he will do the 2011 version of flipping off everyone (like me) who doubted him, by taking to Twitter to harshly call out his detractors. Then in week nine he will revert to CJ268 form, figuring that week eight bought him another seven weeks of “crapping the bed”!

Good luck CJ268 owners, we are in this together!

A reminder on the scoring system in use is as follows:

  • touchdowns 6 points;
  • .04 point per yard passing;
  • .1 ppy rushing/receiving;
  • points per receptions – .25 RB/.50 WR/1.00 all others;
  • -1 per int; -3 for int return for TDs;
  • Defenses
    • 3 points for turnovers, 2 for sacks, .02 points per punt return yards, .04 points per KO yards; 3 points for blocked kicks;
    • -.5 point for points allowed; scaled points for yards allowed from 10 for less than 50 yards allowed to -5 for more than 500 yards allowed.

Ok, here are the 10 fantasy CJ’s for week seven; players who thought it would be funny to drop frozen dog turds in the punch bowl:

  1. Bill Cundiff, PK BAL

1 Fantasy Point

Position Place: 24th

Start Pct: 91.74%

I generally leave kickers out of fantasy discussions, but Cundiff’s performance this past week was special, especially when 92% of fantasy owners started the guy and his single point. And with the game being on Monday, I am certain there were fantasy players who lost by less than a point because Cundiff didn’t produce. It’s definitely not his fault he didn’t put up more points, but since when are fantasy football owners rational!

Going forward – Cundiff will be fine as long as the Ravens don’t play a mediocre AFC South team on the road. Whew! I just checked the Ravens schedule and they are done with AFC South road games.

 

  1. Greg Olsen, TE CAR

1.4 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 42nd

Start Pct: 68.77%

One lousy catch and four lousy yards. You know it’s a bad week when you get out-scored by Logan Paulsen!

Going forward – Considering I think that Cam Newton’s arm is about to fall off from over-use, Olsen owners should consider any other viable alternative.

 

  1. Miles Austin, WR DAL

2.6 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 61st

Start Pct: 99.28%

Miles was the 8th most started player in fantasy this week. And the reward for that investment – an Enronian-like performace.

Going forward – Chalk it up to the Rams being so inept on both sides of the ball that the Cowboys didn’t need to throw the ball.

 

  1. Matt Hasselbeck, QB TEN

5.16 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 16th

Start Pct: 47.60%

Shhh, do you smell that? It’s Matt Hasselbeck’s career about to vanish before our eyes. The Jake Locker-era begins in T-Minus 1 game.

 

I would love to know if the 47.60 start percentage for Matty this week was because a regular quarterback was on bye or was it because that many actually think Hasselbeck is a legitimate quarterback.

Going forward – Matty shouldn’t be on a roster right going forward.

  1. Curtis Painter, QB IND

-0.22 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 32nd

Start Pct: 52.44%

I can hear fantasy owner right now – “Brady’s on bye, I need a QB. Hey, what about Painter? He has averaged 20 points a game since taking over for Collins; and you can throw on the Saints.”

Going forward – Painter shouldn’t be on a fantasy roster, much less in a starting lineup.

  1. Ray Rice, RB BAL

7.55 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 26th

Start Pct: 99.67%

Here a list of reasons Ray Rice, likely, cost 99.67% of fantasy owners their fantasy games this week – a. He was thrown off by the long week; b. Ray (and the rest of the Raven offense) was hung over from the Sunday trip to Miami to watch the “miracle in Miami”; c. The Jaguars over watered the field to slow down the Ravens; and d. Ray fell prey to the pressure of the game within the game – the “butt plug” running back matchup. Whatever the cause, Ray stunk up the joint this weekend.

Going forward – Good news is on the horizon, the Cardinals go to Baltimore this week.

  1. Green Bay, DT

-1.4 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 19th

Start Pct: 95.61%

The Packers were a little too casual late in the game on Sunday and it cost them a chance to post positive fantasy points. They haven’t been a great fantasy defense this season, but you had to think facing a rookie they would force some turnovers and hold the Vikings points down.

Going forward – These mobile, rookie quarterbacks are little too frisky for the defending Super Bowl champs, remember what Cam Newton did to them in week two.

 

  1. Rashard Mendenhall, RB PIT

3.95 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 46th

Start Pct: 95.60%

Rashard was back to being the pathetic, inconsistent, CJ-esque Rashard on Sunday. And after I labeled him with a “BOOM” last week. As if I was having a bad “football” year with my picks. However, in fairness to him was matched up against the 00s Minnesota defense. Not!

Going forward – Mendenhall has found himself in the “CJs” a few times this season. Hmm. “The Mendy’s and The Beast’s”, I like the sound of that! Rashard is a huge fan of CJ268’s continued poor performance.

  1. Tennessee, DT

-20.12 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 31st

Start Pct: 53.67%

It’s a new record – two players in the top 10 and the “Suck list” namesake on the same team. I really, really hate this Titans team. I think they are who I thought they were; which is very mediocre to below average team with two play-makers. The problem is one of the play-makers is too busy figuring out how to spend his 53.5 mill and the other is out for the season.

Going forward – Don’t be surprised if the Titans post another sub-10 point total against the hapless Colts this week.

 

  1. Ryan Torrain, RB WAS

-0.5 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 95th

Start Pct: 65.67%

Tim Hightower gets hurt and Torrain nets just two carries. And, just to rub it in, he posts a -5 yards in those two carries.

Going forward – This is Mike Shanahan at his finest, playing the rope-a-dope with fantasy owners. Guess what? This week it is Helu with chance to shine, right? Wrong, evil Mike will load up Torrain with 30 carries for 150 yards. Forget this situation.

 

And now for the guys who spent the entire night cleaning the punch bowl and making more punch, the Beasts! Each player is categorized in either a “Bust”, one week wonder; or “Boom”, look for this player to continue dropping bombs like a Labrador after help themselves to the family pantry:

  1. Fred Davis, TE WAS

20.00 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 82.85%

Thankfully, Cooley, with the blackmail pictures he has of Shanahan in a compromising situation, is out of the way. The Redskins are much better with Fred as a primary target. Boom.

 

  1. Plaxico Burress, WR NYJ

22.5 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 3rd

Start Pct: 34.05%

My favorite part of fantasy football is the total lack of consistency at the wide receiver position. Why is that my favorite part? Because I love seeing a player destroy an owner’s team for a few fantasy weeks with CJ-like duds, but when the owner sends him to the bench, he goes off. OK, so now “He’s back”, but then once inserted back in the lineup he comes up small again. Of course, I love see this happen to other teams, but whine like a 14 year old girl when it happens to me. Oh, and by the way, I just described Plax to a tee this season, translation this is the week he returns to Bust-city!

 

  1. Christian Ponder, QB MIN

19.7 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 81.66%

This was over-heard in the Vikings locker room after the game – “Dude, that was the first time all year I didn’t have to pull a muscle to try and catch a pass. Man, those passes were right in my hands, I forgot what that felt like.” Yup, the Donovan McNabb era is officially over. Boom!

 

  1. Marques Colston, WR NO

25.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 95.97%

Colston must have read the column last week where I labeled him a bust. Thanks for reading, Marques! Anyway, “down three spots this week on America’s top fantasy players …Marques Colston!” Maybe Marques is returning to his rookie form when he was unstoppable, however, I still think the Saints have too many weapons for Colston to consistently put up the top 5 numbers. Bust.

    

  1. Darren Sproles, RB NO

24.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 4th

Start Pct: 84.31%

I read somewhere that Sproles had a goal this season to out-rush Chris Johnson; I guess he figured he would win the rushing title by doing that. Unfortunately, that goal is a little like my goal of taking my next breath, which I have successfully achieved over 200 million straight times. In short, Darren, much like me, you need a new, loftier goal. Boom!

  1. Tim Tebow, QB DEN

26.94 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 5th

Start Pct: 66.51%

Broncos fan has a Teboner for Tim Tebow after the miraculous comeback against Miami on Sunday. You know what is getting really old? This whole Tim Tebow is “so religious” thing. Tebow is not one bit religious, he does, however, have tremendous faith. And, yes, there is a huge difference between faith and religion!

 

All I can say about Tebow’s performance I would not get used to it. The Dolphins can’t finish taking a dump, let alone an NFL football game. Tebow will regress to his mean of about 5 points a game. Bust!

 

  1. Demarco Murray, RB DAL

31.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 78.27%

It is always nice to see the “hot free agent” pick-up actually pan out, as there was a fair amount of FAAB money spent on Demarco last week. If you’re like me then you hate seeing a fantasy owner blow his entire FAAB on a guy one week, only to have the same player back on waivers in a couple weeks. Murray is the Cowboys running back of the present, so definitely he is a Boom, but also remember that Felix Jones has a “Jerry Jones auto-graphed Arkansas Razorback Alumni card”, which entitles him to unlimited playing time, regardless of how bad he sucks. “You don’t have one of these, do you, Demarco?”

 

  1. Kansas City, DEF

40.48 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 33.13%

33.13 percent of fantasy owners started the Chiefs this week!?! I realize not every league has a strict defensive scoring system like the one I use for this column, but one third of all fantasy owners started a defense that had totaled -32 points for previous five games? Wow, just wow, what’s that old saying, “it’s better to be stupid and lucky. . .” Bust. Fluke game, fluke defense, the schedule is tough down the stretch.

 

  1. Drew Brees, QB NO

43.00 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 98.62%

Three Saints were in Beast mode this past week. I guess that’s what it is like playing the Colts. See CJ268! Boom.

 

  1. Arian Foster, RB HOU

42.65 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 98.80%

Look out, Arian finally has his legs. Hmm, he missed most of the training camp and a few games to open the season, but he is in football shape by week seven, yet Chris Johnson is still struggling with his conditioning. Hmm, Arian must be a freak of nature. Boom

 

Colin Wynner calls it the way he sees it regardless of how much CJ268 dislikes it!

Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Recap, CJ’s and Beasts – Week Six Edition

Welcome to the Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy CJ’s and Beasts, week six edition. After a one week hiatus, we are back better than ever with a look at the previous week’s fantasy football performers (Beasts) and the soiled their pants non-performers (CJ’s).

Remember, the CJ’s are named for the biggest under-performer of the 2011 fantasy season, Chris Johnson. And the agreement with CJ is on-going until performs up to a top fantasy pick that was likely used to obtain him, currently set at a top three finish among running backs in any single week .

I am a softie and have gone easy on CJ250 by allowing him the criteria to be only running backs, even though he considers himself a “play-maker” and by that self-definition he should have to finish in the top three overall. The problem with that he has no chance in hell of to putting up numbers like that this season. I means have you watched this guy – 5 MPH gusts of wind have brought him crashing to the turf this season. Yeah, it’s that bad.

CJ250 Update Week Six

The good news for fantasy owners of CJ250, is that week six provided the first opportunity to bench CJ250 without fear that he flashback in 2009 and go all CJ2K on us. Much thanks to the bye week for that. Week five saw, inch his way closer to 500 yards for the season, as CJ250 put up a whooping 51 yards, however, he did add his first touchdown, which pushed him over double digit fantasy points for the second consecutive week. Baby steps, CJ, baby steps!

A reminder on the scoring system in use is as follows:

  • touchdowns 6 points;
  • .04 point per yard passing;
  • .1 ppy rushing/receiving;
  • points per receptions – .25 RB/.50 WR/1.00 all others;
  • -1 per int; -3 for int return for TDs;
  • Defenses
    • 3 points for turnovers, 2 for sacks, .02 points per punt return yards, .04 points per KO yards; 3 points for blocked kicks;
    • -.5 point for points allowed; scaled points for yards allowed from 10 for less than 50 yards allowed to -5 for more than 500 yards allowed.

Ok, here are the 10 fantasy CJ’s for week six, players who served their fantasy owners a slice of turd pie al a mode:

  1. Ben Roethlisberger, QB PIT

14.90 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 17th

Start Pct: 68.31%

How do you follow-up a 38 point fantasy effort from the previous week? If you’re “Big Ben” with a very mediocre 15 point performance against a terrible Jaguar team. In fairness to Roethlisberger, I don’t think he threw a pass after halftime – the stat ticker had Ben at 200 yards at halftime, through the third quarter and at the end of the game. I thought the ticker was busted, but it turns out Tomlin felt like 17 points was enough to win. Turns out he was right, barely!

Going forward – I still don’t trust the Steelers offensive line. Ben so far this season has been great once, a little better than average twice and below average three times. This fantasy owner needs more than a coin flip shot that Ben will not be below average. Try to find a trading partner by after this week’s, hopefully excellent, performance against a very shaky Cardinal secondary.

 

  1. Peyton Hillis, RB CLE

1.4 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 58th

Start Pct: 91.23%

What I need is a tool that will allow me see the percentage of the teams that started Hillis this week that lost their fantasy games. I have to believe the majority lost, right? Allegedly Peyton was injured, though it was first reported as a coach’s decision for him not playing. Either way, he sucked!

Going forward – Hillis is becoming a weekly member of the CJ’s, which means that if CJ250 finds a way into the top 3 one of these weeks, this section of the column will be known as the PHillis’

 

  1. Ryan Torrain, RB WAS

2.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 49th

Start Pct: 70.19%

If you’re a fantasy owner, you have to know better than to trust Mike Shanahan. He is the fantasy devil, created specifically to torture fantasy players far and wide.

Going forward – Unless you own Troyan Heltorwer, your guess is as good as anybody’s who will be productive for the Redskins from week to week.

 

  1. Jermichael Finley, TE GB

3.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 31st

Start Pct: 92.05%

I am not sure how a guy with the physical tools of Finley can be held to 3 fantasy points. But this week, it seems like the perfect storm of Packers weapons and Rams incompetence that caused this unfortunate situation for Finley owners.

Going forward – Too bad fantasy can’t get fantasy points for the number of Tweets in a given week – if that were to happen there is no way Finley would ever find his way on this list.

 

  1. Felix Jones, RB DAL

3.8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 40th

Start Pct: 71.84%

It bears another mention – if Felix Jones attending any other college but Arkansas he would not have a starting job in the NFL right now. And this guy can’t go more than a few games without getting hurt and being “questionable” for the upcoming week. I have a feeling Jones is “questionable” in all facets of his life – like will Felix make it to his friend’s birthday party, “Questionable”!

Going forward – Thank goodness at least we have some closure with Felix. He has been downgraded to “Out” and, therefore allow the DeMarco Murray era is about to begin. That is also known as the end of Felix. You want to look like a fantasy genius? Of course you do. Well, here’s how – go pick up the relative obscure Tashard Choice. My money is on Choice having the biggest impact with Felix out, for a couple reasons – 1. He understands the offense and protection schemes much better, so he will be in the game on most passing downs; 2. He is at least in line for 30% of the carries, probably more; and 3. He has been a productive starting NFL running back, his biggest flaw – he didn’t play at Arkansas or in the SEC. Trust me!

 

  1. Owen Daniels, TE HOU

3.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 29th

Start Pct: 76.70%

The question is – why is Daniels ahead of Finely when (a) Daniels out-scored Finley; (b) Daniels was started by fewer owners; and (c) Daniels had the tougher match-up against the Ravens. The answer is all about expectations – the previous three weeks Daniels averaged 17.5 points, while Finley had averaged 8.25 over the last two weeks. Plus, Finley has Greg Jennings and a host of talented play makers to share the load with, while Daniels lost his best play-maker in Andre Johnson.

Going forward – Fluke game for Daniels, he will bounce back to meeting expectations this week.

 

  1. Vernon Davis, TE SF

2.8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 33rd

Start Pct: 88.19%

I should’ve known that VD would struggle against those formidable Lions linebackers, led by Bobby Carpenter. Really, Vernon really? The Lions suck against the tight end – Witten, Winslow and Schiancoe tore them up. Hell, even Kellen Davis had his best fantasy game against them.

Going forward – Two shots of penicillin and VD is good to go.

 

  1. Eli Manning, QB NYG

11.58 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 22nd

Start Pct: 68.24%

This was more of a fluke than Eli truly sucking. Eli still had a reasonable game, but you have to believe the salivating 68.24 percent were terribly disappointed with Eli’s final fantasy number.

Going forward – Eli is inconsistent, but the Giants defense is bad enough that Eli will be put in a position to throw. I can see Eli going top 7 QB from here on out.

  1. Victor Cruz, WR NYG

2.20 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 74th

Start Pct: 90.65%

Oh gosh, talk about the bait and switch move – like I showed up at the electronics store thinking I was going to get the new 3D 65 inch TV for $899, but when I got there it was sold out and somehow I left with a 30-inch tube for the same price. That’s what Victor did to over 90 percent of fantasy owners this week.

Going forward – Victor is the 4th option on this team, so play him with caution

 

  1. Roddy White, WR ATL

3.1 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 69th

Start Pct: 97.16%

Quietly, Roddy is having one of the 2011’s bigger bust seasons – 34 rec, 373 yards and 2 TD are simply not top five WR numbers.

Going forward – He’s gone from a “buy low” to a “proceed with extreme caution” status. Take a flier on him, but you cannot give up anything substantial at this point.

 

Let’s all give a standing ovation to the top 10 fantasy beasts for week six. Each is categorized in either a “Bust”, one week wonder; or “Boom”, look for this player to continue dropping bombs like a Labrador after help themselves to the family pantry:

  1. Billy Cundiff, PK BAL

20.90 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 72.11%

I have a few “rules to live by” – one of them is if a kicker scores over 20 fantasy points it is an automatic berth in the weekly Beasts section. But remember it’s still a kicker; next week Flacco won’t suck ass in the red zone and Cundiff will be kicking extra points – Bust.

 

  1. Brent Celek, TE PHI

14.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 8th

Start Pct: 14.63%

I had no idea Brent Celek was still playing NFL football until I saw him turn one of the easiest catches in the world into a SportsCenter Top 10 plays of the day. And would you look at that, Celek finished in the top 10 at his position rewarding the 14.63 percent of owners who haven’t changed their lineup since 2009. Bust, too many other weapons on that team for me to take this game seriously.

 

  1. Chicago DT, Def

19.7 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 81.66%

How does it feel, Chicago, to have the remaining teams on the Vikings schedule hate you? That’s right, the Bears are responsible for ending the Donovan McNabb era in Minnesota, now the remaining teams on the schedule will have to scheme for an accurate quarterback.

 

Just how bad has the Bears defense been this season, you ask? The 19.7 points scored this week is more than their previous games combined. Bust, sadly for them there are no more games against McNabb left on the schedule

 

  1. Dallas Clark, TE IND

17.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 4th

Start Pct: 31.01%

Clark, is another player left for dead who had a big game this weekend. While I think it’s a little unfair to label Clark a Bust going forward, I would advise selling him high, like right now!

    

  1. Rashard Mendenhall, RB PIT

20.6 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 5th

Start Pct: 58.44%

I am sure you have heard of the “Curse of 370” – where a running back either gets hurt or is a complete bust the year after accumulating excess of 370 touches. Well, apparently the way you break the curse is by sitting out a week with a hamstring injury while watching backups accumulate big yards against a tough defense. I haven’t seen the burst Mendenhall showed on Sunday for quite some time. He’s back, damn the “Curse of 370”, Boom!

  1. NY Jets DT, Def

24.14 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 96.48%

Here is a message I received late in the Jets/Dolphins game – “I freakin need the Dolphins to gain 5 more stinkin’ yards without turning the ball over and find a way to protect the quarterback or I am going to lose two fantasy games because of the Jets defense.” Well, the Dolphins got the five yards, but on the last three plays of the game they went sack-incompletion-sack to give the victory to my buddies’ opponent.

 

The Jets were the benefactors of playing the Dolphins, and when coupled with “let ’em play in the secondary” refs that allowed the Jets to manhandle receivers that greatly exaggerates the Jets defensive effectiveness for this one game. Still, they’re one of the top fantasy defenses in the league. Boom!

 

  1. Marcus Colston, WR NOS

21.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 79.11%

Colston was the New Orleans WR flavor of the week. Translation, expect more 3-30’s than 21.3 point games. Bust.

 

  1. Devin Hester, WR Chi

23.6 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 42.97%

I am almost certain the following went through the mind of a fantasy owner playing against Devin Hester this week. “Whew, I survived Brady this afternoon, now I just need to avoid the 20 point game from Devin Hester to get a win.” {Falls on the floor, laughing his ass off}. “Who is laughing now, punk!” – Devin Hester. Bust. Though he will have one more game like this one, probably against me, since I just jinxed it.

 

  1. Michael Turner, RB ATL

26.95 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 97.79%

Hmm, no Julio Jones this past week and Michael Turner goes off. Coincidence? I think not. The Falcons have spent the first month of the season justifying giving up the farm to draft Jones, which means they have gotten away from their identity – running the football with a guy who has barrels of oil for thighs. Since Jones will be back shortly, I would sell Turner high. Bust.

 

  1. Ahmad Bradshaw, RB NYG

31.90 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 92.90%

Finally, Ahmad Bradshaw had a fantasy breakout game after, what, like four years? Congrats Ahmad, but let’s be realistic, it was someone of a fluke. All three of Bradshaw’s touchdowns featured receivers getting tackled inside the five. One was a reversed touchdown call and the other two were long passes where the receiver was caught and tackled at the last possible moment to keep them out of the end zone. I hate throwing a wet blanket on the day, but I cannot see Ahmad with many more 20+ point games. Still serviceable, but again his value is at a peak – trade him for an Arian Foster-type. Or a Chris Johnson, seriously, Johnson about to go off, honestly, it’s a good deal, trust me! Bust

 

Colin Wynner calls fantasy winners, and losers!

2011 NFL Week Five Fantasy – Diamonds and Not So Rough

Welcome to Week 5 of the fantasy and NFL season and the debut of my “Diamonds and Not So Rough” column. This column will focus on five players that are highly rated that I see with the probability of high scoring weeks and five players that are rated highly that in my mind will disappear this week and disappoint their owners.  These opinions are just that opinions and I’m certainly not recommending that if I happen to be down on Ray Rice for a week that you bench him and play Chester Taylor in his place (sorry Chester but you were washed up at least two years ago). Place kickers and defensive players will not be discussed in this column on a weekly basis.

The scoring system I will use to grade my performance is this:

  • All touchdowns 6 points
  • .04 point per yard passing
  • .1 per yard for rushing/receiving,
  • points per receptions > .25 RB/.50 WR/1.00 all others;
  • -1 per interception
  • -3 for interception return for TDs (also known as pick sixes).

Diamonds: I’m looking for a 60% success ratio and I’m looking for the same 60% for the Not So Rough players. A Diamond must score at least 15 points in the scoring system listed above while a Not So Rough player must score under 20 to be considered a success.

So without further adieu here are this week’s picks for Diamonds:

Willis McGahee RB Denver Broncos.

Willis is now the #1 running back in Denver, but a somewhat healthy Knowshown Moreno is lurking in the background. This week he faces the San Diego Chargers at home. The Chargers have the 5th best pass defense and the 12th ranked rush defense in the NFL. Denver has to rely a little more on their running game as putting the ball in Kyle Orton’s hands too much is proving to be their downfall. The Chargers may have their way with the Broncos but the good news is Willis can catch. Willis should crack my goal of 15 points this week with 80 yards rushing, 30 yards receiving and my bold call – a short TD pass from Tim Tebow!

Greg Olsen TE Carolina Panthers.

We all know the Saints pass defense is not very good and Panthers QB Cam Newton has established a fine chemistry with Olsen. I’ve seen at least one of his touchdowns and a few other nice catches called back on penalties. Couple his matchup, plus the face I traded him this week and Olsen is looking at a 6 catch, 100 yard receiving and 1 TD game. That’s good for 22 points in our scoring system.

Mark Sanchez QB New York Jets

Coming off a negative week in most scoring systems along with Rex Ryan’s assertion that the team will be more “ground n’ pound” makes this prediction a scary proposition.  The good news is Sanchez gets to play the Patriots horrific pass defense. 280 yards along with 2 TDs and 2 INTs make this a 21 point day for Mr. Sanchez.

Julio Jones WR Atlanta Falcons

Tune in to NBC to watch the rookie breakout game for Falcons #2 WR rookie Julio Jones. The Green Bay pass defense is struggling andAtlantais out for a little revenge after last season’s playoff whipping. My Diamond prediction for Jones is 8 catches, 125 yards and 2 TDs or close to 28 points.

Mario Manningham WR New York Giants

Mario was projected as a top wide receiver heading into the season and he’s been nothing short of disappointing so far. That will all change this week againstSeattle. They have a decent pass defense but they won’t stop Super Mario this week. 100+ yards, 6 catches and a TD are looking like conservative projections this week.

Now for the Not So Roughs:

Cedric Benson RB Cincinnati Bengals

He has a suspension looming, but something tells me it’s taking so long he will avoid the suspension. So while some will see this as his farewell for three weeks game, I just see it as another disappointing game in what’s become a pretty disappointing career.Jacksonvillecan stop the run and they will this week too. No TDs and 75 total yards for “Ced.”

Stevie Johnson WR Buffalo Bills

 

Nnamdi orAsante, pick your poison this week, Stevie. The “Dream Team” is struggling and they face pretty close to a “must win” this week. I think the Bills play them tough and beat them but RB Fred Jackson, not the passing game leads the way. Stevie will probably find the end zone for one TD but 4 catches and 60 yards receiving keep him under my goal of 20 points.

Maurice Jones-Drew RB Jacksonville Jaguars

The Bengals defense does not get a lot of respect, but they have played the run pretty good so far this year. MJD faces a bigger challenge then he’s probably expecting this week. He probably needs a lot of catches this week to exceed the 20 point barrier. I don’t see him doing that. One TD and less than 100 total yards won’t get him to 20 points.

Brandon Lloyd WR Denver Broncos

Lloyd faces a tough matchup with the Chargers 5th ranked pass defense. His QB is struggling and Lloyd has not come close to approaching last year’s numbers. In some ways WR Eric Decker has taken over as the #1 wide receiver inDenver. Lloyd will have some catches this week but he’ll be under 100 yards again and not in the end zone. Anyway you slice it it’s less than 20 points.

Chris “Beanie” Wells RB Arizona Cardinals

Coming off last week’s three TD game he’s rated high on most people’s list this week. This week he faces two challenges, one the hamstring is still not 100% and the Vikings staunch run defense. I see Beanie scoring a TD this week, but that coupled with less than 100 total yards does not equal 20 points so he’s a Not So Rough this week.

Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy CJ’s and Beasts – Week Four Edition

Welcome to the Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy CJ’s and Beasts, week four edition. With weeks four in the books the offensive explosion is the talk of the league. I am pretty sure this is what the NFL wants, unreal offense, no lead is safe – already we have seen 18, 20, 21 and 24 point leads lost and defenses that cannot get a stop when they need, well unless the opposing offense is being quarterbacked by Donovan McNabb.

The offensive fireworks are courtesy of the passing game and at the expense of the running games, long gone are the days of establishing the run. I have a couple of theories on why the passing game is dominating play this season – 1.Atrocious tackling in the secondary. In general, the defensive backs are the worst tacklers on the defense, therefore, when giving more chances they are more likely to miss more often; and 2. With onset of mass running back by committees, teams are signing more versatile running backs. Those running backs are better suited to the passing game and teams are taking advantage.

How crazy have the passing numbers been? Well, when looking at the NFL season record for the following categories – Passing Yards, Passing TDs, Rushing Yards, Rushing TDs, Receptions, Receiving Yards, Receiving TDs, Scoring, Total TDs, and Total yards from scrimmage, eight are on pace to fall this season. The most ridiculous numbers are being put up in the passing yards category, where the record is 5,084, set in 1984 and held by the original hollow stat sheet stuffer, Dan Marino. Twenty-seven years later there are six, yes six, quarterbacks who are on pace to break that record – Brady (pace for 6212, on pace to break the record in the 1st quarter of game 14!), Brees (5640), Newton (5544), Rodgers (5300), Rivers(5144) and Romo (5092). In addition, nine more quarterbacks are on pace to throw for more than 4000 yards.

I never been a big fan of the “pace” stats, but it’s hard to overlook that there are 15 quarterbacks on pace to throw for 4000 plus yards, which would be the most in NFL history by 50% – 2009, 10 QB’s surpassed 4000 yards.

Other records poised to fall if “pace” continues:

Passing TD (50, Tom Brady, 2007) – Tom Brady, 52

Receptions (143, Marvin Harrison, 2002) – Wes Welker, 160

Receiving Yards (1848, Jerry Rice, 1995) – Wes Welker, 2464; Steve Smith, 2120

Receiving TDs (23, Randy Moss, 2007) – Calvin Johnson, 32

Yards From Scrimmage (2509, CJ199, 2009) – Wes Welker, 2540; Matt Forte, 2536

Total TD’s/Scoring(31/186, Ladanian Tomlinson, 2003) – Calvin Johnson, 32/192

 

CJ199 Update

I guess Chris Johnson had what his fantasy owners might term a “no effing way” game, finishing with 107 total yards. That was good enough for 11th place among running backs this week, but not good enough to get the column renamed to the Moreno’s.

The good news is that as of this week CJ199 should now be in regular season shape, after missing all of training camp this would represent CJ199’s pre-seaon. On the other hand, the bad news is his value has dropped so much that he isn’t worth much more Denario Alexander or at least that’s the way one owner sees it when he made an offer of Cam Newton and Denario for CJ199 and Larry Fitzgerald. There are some extenuating circumstances, like Newton is a 17th round keeper, the team with CJ199 is shaky at quarterback and the overall points scored match-up. But, yeah, I would advise against that deal, it’s better to ride out CJ199 and his 50 yards per game.

I inadvertently CJ’d all of you by not sharing the scoring system which I based these lists on. Pretty standard individual scoring – all touchdowns 6 points; .04 point per yard passing; .1 ppy rushing/receiving, points per receptions – .25 RB/.50 WR/1.00 all others; -1 per int; -3 for int return for TDs.

Defenses – 3 points for turnovers; 2 for sacks; .02 points per punt return yards; .04 points per KO yards; 3 points for blocked kicks; -.5 point for points allowed; scaled points for yards allowed from 10 for less than 50 yards allowed to -5 for more than 500 yards allowed.

Whew! Ok, here are the 10 fantasy CJ’s for week four, players who delivered a bag of diarrhea marked “Lunch” to their fantasy owner:

  1. Peyton Hillis, RB CLE

8.15 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 33rd

Start Pct: 85.84%

Hillis was on my bust list to start the season, so this isn’t all that surprising. Word on the street suggests that they are easing Hillis back into the mix after he missed as week – from strep throat! Just so we are on the same page, that’s strep throat that has caused Hillis to miss one game and be ineffective in another. Man, strep in a highly under-rated fantasy saboteur. I sure hope Hillis doesn’t come down with a running nose next week that keeps him out for another couple weeks.

Going forward – Once you’re on my bust list, you’re a bust!

 

  1. Atlanta Falcons DT

-5.66 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 24th

Start Pct: 75.65%

The Falcons played the Seahawks in week four, creating a free agent frenzy to get a piece of a defense that was playing against a team that opposing defenses had averaged 22 points a game. Yeah, how did that work out for you?

Going forward – This was the game for the Falcons, the easiest game on their schedule. I think we now know they have one of the five worst fantasy defenses in the NFL.

 

  1. Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB BUF

8.46 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 27th

Start Pct: 65.14%

You know what rhymes with “Fitzpatrick”? “ShitsHisPantsTrick” – did you see him do that this weekend?

Going forward – A fluke, Fitz will put up numbers because (a) he has the weapons; (b) the defense is not good, meaning shootouts; (c) the Bengals have a very good, under-rated defense and (d) he want to Harvard. Yeah, that last thing means nothing, but did you know Fitz actually went to Harvard.

 

  1. Ben Roethlisberger, QB PIT

8.34 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 28th

Start Pct: 64.00%

I think I prefer the sex-crazed, female groping, “Do you know who I am?” Big Ben, as opposed to the docile, married, humble Benjamin. At least Big Ben put up huge fantasy numbers.

Going forward – His o-line sucks, meaning he most likely will be hurt very soon. Therefore, you should look for a trade, but not a Newton/Alexander for Fitzgerald/Chris Johnson type of a deal

 

  1. Philadelphia, DT

-1.32 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 16th

Start Pct: 90.62%

90.62 pecent of owners salivated at the Eagles home match-up with Alex Smith and the 49ers. 9.38 percent of owners got the last laugh. The Eagles are a surprise entry into the “Column Name” contest, should CJ199 ever break the top three running backs for the week. What a major disappointment!

Going forward – They aren’t that good to begin with and now they lost, arguably, their best pass rusher in Trent Cole. No sack = no sacks!

 

  1. David Nelson, WR BUF

2.8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 85th

Start Pct: 62.35%

Nelson was the hot free agent pick-up in week three. As you can tell by the 62.35% of the owners who started Nelson they thought they were getting 2009 Brandon Lloyd, instead they got David Nelson.

Going forward – If you like playing reverse Russian Roulette then continue to roll the dice or pull the trigger with Nelson. One of these weeks you will get the empty chamber!

 

  1. Torrey Smith, WR BAL

0.6 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 108th

Start Pct: 40.48%

Smith was the hot free agent this past week, after he went nuts against the Rams. I mentioned last week that owners should “calm down, it was the Rams” and labeled him as a Pretender. I guess the 0.6 this week makes me a winner!

Going forward – Rags to Riches to Rags, in two weeks.

 

  1. Ladanian Tomlinson, RB NYJ

0.35 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 90th

Start Pct: 33.29%

Anytime there is a “0.” in front of a players fantasy score, it’s not good! Kudos to the 66.71% who benched him, those owners are smart!

Going forward – The Jets offense is a mess. They have no identity, the line is atrocious and Tomlinson isn’t getting a ton of touches, so I would bail on him or wait for a cherry match-up where the Jets can pile up big numbers, if one exists.

  1. Tim Hightower, RB WAS

3.05 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 56th

Start Pct: 81.47%

It’s tough to get on Hightower for the lack of production when we all know who is to blame. I am talking to you, Mike Shanahan. Shanahan hates fantasy football despite the fact that fantasy football pays his salary. Don’t believe me – outlaw fantasy football for a season. Watch the ratings drop faster and further than Obama’s approval rate. That’s right the only reason the NFL is as popular as it is because of fantasy football. The NFL should fine this donkey for misleading the fantasy public.

Going forward – Well, unless Goodell starts punishing the real criminals in the NFL, Shanahan will be free to play mind games with fantasy owners. Hightower is solid but beware.

 

  1. Rob Gronkowski, TE NEP

2.5 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 39th

Start Pct: 98.96%

Ouch, Gronk that hurt. With a name like Gronkowski, don’t you think that this guy was one of those guys that it hurt to run into. And not run into in a physical sport, like football, I mean just bump into in the hallway. You know the kind of guy whose elbows just hurt!

Going forward – He will be fine, unless the reason for this bust was that Belichick sold high on him.

 

Enough of focusing on the fantasy losers, let’s talk fantasy beasts for week four! Here are the top 10 fantasy beasts for last week, with a new categories this week – Bust, one week wonder; Boom, look for this player to continue dropping bombs like a Labrador after they snuck into the family pantry:

 

  1. Cam Newton, QB CAR

32.46 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 3rd

Start Pct: 50.35%

Cam is getting to the point where you can’t (a) have him on your bench and (b) bet against him. Boom

 

  1. Julio Jones, WR ATL

18.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 11th

Start Pct: 58.59%

Julio needs to find the end-zone, but this guy is killing it with receptions and targets. So much so that I wonder if Roddy White is still on board with the Falcons moving up to get Julio. This summer, Roddy called the Falcons the second coming of “the greatest show on turf” this summer. Sure, I guess so, Roddy, if the original greatest show didn’t have Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce or Az Hakim. Then that would make Julio, Torry Holt, which makes Roddy, Tony Horne. Boom.

 

 

  1. Frank Gore, RB SF

20.4 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 5th

Start Pct: 2.00%

You see what happens when you get threatened with being the “Name” behind the weekly fantasy Beaut’s? Gore didn’t want any part of that and showed up with a season best. But less than 2% of fantasy owners had him in his lineup thanks to Shanahan-lite, Jim Harbaugh. Look Jim just because you spent most of your fantasy life on waivers, doesn’t mean you have to blatantly lie to us. Still, Gore is destined to be a Bust, whether it’s because of an injury or poor performance. Remember there are not many defenses like the Eagles in the NFL this season.

 

  1. Matt Forte, RB Chi

29.8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 97.79%

Forte is one of those guys that goes largely un-noticed on draft day, but after a couple of weeks it’s like “DOH”. He had one bust season, his second in the NFL, but other than that the guy has been a player. Boom!

    

  1. Pierre Garcon, WR IND

27.6 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 19.56%

Whoa, did you see how fast Pierre was on Monday. He ran like he was being chased by a Nazi. I am a little concern about Curtis Painter, but if Monday is any indication, Pierre might finally live up to expectations. Boom!

  1. Tavaris Jackson, QB SEA

30.36 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 4th

Start Pct: 5.00%

I want the contact information of the 5.00% who started Tavaris this past week. Seriously, I am starting a $10,000/team fantasy league, winner take all. Bust

 

  1. Jimmy Graham, TE NOS

29.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 89.46%

It’s nice to see a New Orleans position player having some fantasy success. Honestly, is there a team in the NFL that is a bigger melting pot of fantasy mediocrity? They have had like 12 fantasy players a season for the last six years or so. Not since Marcus Colston rookie season, have they had a position player worthy of a weekly NFL start without fear of a 2 point fantasy day. Boom.

 

  1. Baltimore, DT

34.12 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 89.56%

The Ravens defense spent Sunday on a feeding on the Jets offense. I really felt like this defense would show its age this season, but then I glanced at their schedule, which is a complete joke – in addition to the Browns and Bengals twice, they get the NFC West, the AFC South. That’s nine more games against weak offensive teams. That is almost too good to be true! Boom.

 

  1. Chris Wells, RB ARZ

31.8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 29.37%

I really happy to see Beanie playing as well as he is, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that this guy spent his first two seasons in Bustville – population Beanie. I am not sure what motivated this guy to start bringing this kind of effort that didn’t motivate him when he fell to #31 in the 2009 NFL Draft. To be honest, I think Beanie needed to be “the guy” in Arizona. This year, through the Hightower trade and the injury to Ryan Williams, he is the guy, the Cardinals need him and viola, top notch fantasy running back! Boom.

 

  1. Aaron Rodgers, QB GB

54.92 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 98.85%

I think Rodgers game against the Broncos is the definition of the “no effing way” fantasy game. Think about it, A-Rod vultures two rushing touchdowns, throws four touchdown passes, piles up 408 passing yards and added 36 yards rushing. And then adds salt into the fresh wound by giving way to Matt Flynn for the kneel downs, thus not incurring the -.2 points. Cold blooded killah! Boom.

 

When it comes to fantasy past, current and futures, Colin Wynner calls the fantasy winners!

Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy CJ’s and Beasts, Week 3 Edition

Welcome to the Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Beauties, CJ’s and Beasts, week three edition. As promised last week, the column is now officially known as the CJ’s and Beasts, thanks to CJ98, aka, Chris Johnson and his anemic 98 total yards rushing this season, yeah, that’s not a single game, that’s over three games. It was at the point where I either needed to start charging CJ98 rent for taking up the number one position every week or just give in and name the column after him. I chose the latter.

We can also start using CJ as a verb; which can mean getting abused in any type of deal. Like “Yo, dude, you just got CJ’d by that used car salesman”, when you drive off the lot with a lemon.

What exactly is wrong with Chris Johnson? Well, I’ve been checking my sources and, while I don’t have a definite answer, I have managed to compile list of the 10 most likely reasons Chris Johnson has killed every fantasy team he is on this season.

  1. The 53.5 million dollars was based on past performance, if you want current or future performance you need to pony up more dough.
  2. To avoid embarrassment both the Titans front office and CJ decided not to disclose the fact that Johnson strained his back while signing his 53.5 million dollar check.
  3. The Titans offensive line refuses to block for him after him promised them all Rolex’s but delivered merely Seiko’s (53.5 doesn’t go as far as CJ thought)
  4. Due to missing all of training camp, CJ98 is really only in second pre-season game shape. Just wait patiently two more weeks while he gets his legs and then you’ll see!
  5. Eight of the 12 owners in CJ’s fantasy league drafted two quarterbacks before CJ98 could get his first, forcing him to go with Hasselbeck.
  6. Generally, this would be the spot where one might be tempted to make comment about a feminine injury causing problems, but that won’t happen here. It would be totally un-called for to suggest that a bruised vagina that what is limiting his production. I just won’t do it.
  7. CJ98 and his agent were so gleeful over the 53.5 million, that they over-looked a clause that called for Johnson donate $100 for every rushing yard gained this season to the Titans foundation. He is trying to find out if he rushes for negative yards, do the Titans have to reimburse him.
  8. It’s all Munchak’s fault. He totally changed the blocking scheme, which has totally screwed up CJ98’s ability to be successful.
  9. It’s all Hasselbeck’s fault. He is such an egomaniac, he can’t stand to share the spotlight with anyone, so he is tipping the defense off every time it’s a run, so he can throw, throw, throw.
  10. CJ98 is moonlighting which is interfering with his Titans job. The second job? He is the GC on remodeling his kitchen.

Where do we find answers for this guy who seems destined to be the biggest bust in fantasy football history? Well, fortunately we live in a time when information in plentiful and CJ98 has a twitter account. Three of his tweets caught my attention:

They love u to hate u to love u again”

They never really love u, but man they can bring the hate. True dat!

“Got to keep pushing”

 

Is that what you call the first three weeks, pushing? Hmm, it looks more like the opposite of pushing – pulling, as in pulling up or, in other words, falling down.

At least we still winning will get this fixed very soon”

This is by far my favorite of the three tweets. Actually, CJ98 “we” aren’t winning, in fact, we as in fantasy owner and you, are getting are ass kicked because of the gaping hole you have left in our lineup for the first three weeks!

I am a fair dude, so I will give CJ98 a way out especially since I have received loads of hate mail from Frank Gore owners claiming that the “beauts” should be renamed to the Gore’s. Yup, CJ98, there is a waiting list behind, so here is what you need to do – finish any week in the top 3 amongst RB and you’re out! Look for the name change, oh say about 2012!

Counting backwards here are the 10 fantasy CJ’s for week three, players who let down their fantasy owner, employer, country and God! But they made CJ98 proud:

  1. Deion Branch, WR NE

0.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 97th

Start Pct: 80.08%

You know it’s a tough fantasy week when you tie Colin Wynner in fantasy points (if Brady would only look to me, man I can catch!).

Going forward – Branch is most likely a #3 or #4 for most fantasy teams, so you can afford a clunker here and there from that position!

 

  1. Philadelphia Eagles DT

Negative Fantasy Points

Position Place: 27th

Start Pct: 89.52%

I might be old school, but I still think that the ability to tackle should be a skill that every defender possesses. Apparently that is not the philosophy of the Eagles.

Going forward – Find another defense NOW! The Eagles linebackers are atrocious. And the strength of their defense is their corners, but opposing teams have figured out how to neutralize that strength by playing with base packages (just 2 WR and 2 Corners).

 

  1. Frank Gore, RB SF

4.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 39th

Start Pct: 87.96%

Remember at the end of Godfather III when Michael slumps over his chair, falls to the ground and dies. That’s about where Gore’s career is right now. It’s over Frankie, you’re done.

Going forward – If you enjoy 5-8 point weeks out of a fantasy running back, then continue plugging Gore into your lineup. If not, grab Kendall Hunter and enjoy watching fantasy points pile up.

 

  1. Hakeem Nicks, WR NYG

4.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 60th

Start Pct: 84.52%

Hakeem had Nnamdi on him all game so that was clearly a contributing factor. Plus, you have to figure Nicks would’ve got more work had one of the ten Eagles that had a chance to tackle Victor Cruz would have actually brought him down. In addition, Brandon Jacobs caught a 40 yard touchdown pass. Yes that Brandon Jacobs! That is 114 yards would have possibly been distributed to other Giants receivers had the Eagles played merely below average defense instead utterly incompetent defense.

Going forward – Nicks will be fine, but I would temper the talk of him being a top-5 guy.

 

  1. DeSean Jackson, WR PHI

4.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 59th

Start Pct: 92.04%

Kudos to the 7.96 percent of fantasy owners who had the wherewithal to bench DeSean, despite the gaudy numbers he has tacked on the Giants in the past.

Going forward – If CJ98 gets his act together DeSean is a serious candidate to take his place. With the O-line situation in Philly, Vick isn’t getting the time to throw the deep balls to Jackson, meaning 60% Jackson fantasy points have disappeared. Wait for a big game, then dump him for .75 on the dollar.

 

  1. NY Jets, DT

Negative Fantasy Points

Position Place: 28th

Start Pct: 93.38%

My favorite part of Sunday was the back-to-back trick plays by the Raiders against the Jets. The first was a halfback pass by McFadden, where no one was opee. No big deal, McFadden calmly ran through the Jets defense for 25 yards. On the very next play, rookie Denarius Moore gets the ball on a WR reverse and weaves through the Jet defense like they were cardboard cut-outs en-route to a 30 yard touchdown. Ball game!

Going forward – The Jets are still an elite defense. My guess is they got caught looking ahead to the Ravens/Patriots games coming up.

 

  1. Steve Smith, WR CAR

2.5 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 75th

Start Pct: 97.25%

Whoa, 97% of owners started Smith the past week. Yup, it two weeks for fantasy owners to fully trust Smith and then BOOM!

Going forward – He is nowhere near week one, but will be an effective starter going forward.

 

  1. Phillip Rivers, QB SD

8 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 26th

Start Pct: 95.4%

Needless to mention it, but Phillip killed his owners this week. And to be honest he hasn’t looked that good this season. It might be no Antonio Gates, it might be as simple as it’s September and the Chargers don’t begin playing football until October. Whatever it is, this week was very disappointing.

Going forward – I think he will be fine, right, he has to be, right? I think so.

  1. Rashard Mendenhall, RB PIT

3.7 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 35th

Start Pct: 95.12%

The 4.88% of owners that benched Mendenhall had to forget to submit a lineup, right? After all it’s the Colts, a notoriously terrible run defense that had already given up 136.5 yards per game this season. And of course, they dominate and hold Mendenhall under 50 rushing!

Going forward – Mendy doesn’t catch passes, so if he doesn’t find the endzone and post 100+ he is pretty much worthless. The Colts were fired up to play that game, but the Pittsburgh O-Line is a mess and that is a concern for Mendy going forward.

 

  1. Michael Turner, RB Atl

2.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 57th

Start Pct: 97.65%

Turner is another guy who if he doesn’t find the end zone is pretty much worthless, but 20 yards, Mike, really?

Going forward – Atlanta isn’t very good. Plus, teams have figured out that if they take Turner out of the game and hit Matt Ryan early, they have a great chance to contain that offense. So, I guess, yeah, I am worried about Turner.

 

Enough of focusing on the fantasy losers, let’s talk fantasy beasts for week three! Here are the top 10 fantasy beasts for last week, with a category of either Pretender (don’t expect this to happen again) or Fo’ Real (dude’s legit):

 

  1. Eli Manning, QB NYG

34.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 3rd

Start Pct: 17.79%

Too bad only 17.79% of fantasy teams were able to experience Manning’s best game of 2011. Pretender.

 

  1. Victor Cruz, WR NYG

30.5 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 4th

Start Pct: 15.44%

How would you have liked to be the opponent of the 15.44% teams that played Victor Cruz on Sunday? You might have died from laughter until the Eagles tried to love him to the ground on that 74 yard touchdown. You probably didn’t see the second touchdown because you had to run out to get a new remote before your wife got home. Pretender.

 

 

  1. Dan Bailey, PK Dall

18 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 57.87%

Another classic fantasy game story – fantasy dude is playing Bailey on Monday and has a 17 point lead. It’s a lock! Yeah, I bet there were a few bad beats this week. All kickers are Pretenders.

 

  1. Calvin Johnson, WR Det

26.3 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 3rd

Start Pct: 99.19%

The highest start percentage amongst all fantasy players this week. I guess only .81% listened to me about benching Johnson due to new entry in the “Shutdown” corner club, Antoine Winfield. Johnson is on pace for 32 Touchdowns, uh, that’s definitely Fo’ Real.

 

  1. Ron Gronkowski, TE NE

26.4 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 2nd

Start Pct: 96.92%

The Gronk is now on my list of players I don’t want to face in the playoffs. Fo’ Real.

  1. Joe Flacco, QB BALT

34.0 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 29.54%

Maybe Flacco is going to turn the corner and become a legitimate fantasy quarterback. Or maybe it was just the Rams. Pretender

 

  1. Darren McFadden, RB Oak

29.1 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 95.49%

The biggest hurdle standing in the way of McFadden destroying the NFL rushing record (2,148) is an injury. Mark it down if McFadden stays healthy for 16 games, he sets a new record for rushing in a single season. And, yeah, I don’t want to face this guy in the playoffs either. Fo’ Real.

 

  1. Jermichael Finley, TE GBP

33.7 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 84.18%

When I watch Finley play, I fell like there is no way you can stop this guy. No single player can cover him one on one – if you try a linebacker, he will run by him, try a DB, he out-muscle him. About the only way would be to double team him and force McCarthy to go elsewhere. Even then, Finley is likely to come down with the ball. Fo’ Real.

 

  1. Torrey Smith, WR BALT

36.2 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 0%

Not one owner started Torrey Smith this past week. I wish I could bet on prop bets like “Torrey Smith won’t finish in the top 10 amongst WR in any single week for the remainder of the season”. Oh yeah, he will be the hottest of the hot free agent pick-ups this week, but soon he will back on the wire. Pretender

 

  1. Wes Welker, WR NEP

41.7 Fantasy Points

Position Place: 1st

Start Pct: 96.76%

I was hoping that the Fred Jackson play at the end of the Patriots/Bills game was ruled a touchdown, so we could watch the Pats come back down score a tying touchdown to send the game into overtime. Let’s think about what kind of numbers Welker would have had given that scenario. Maybe 23-300-3? That is insane for a any players, but especially for a slot guy like Welker. But dude will never have more value than he does now, so dump for 1.25 on the dollar. He will be consistently good, but never will he put up these type of numbers again. Pretender.

 

When it comes to fantasy past, current and futures, Colin Wynner calls the fantasy winners!

Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Beauties and Beasts, Week 2 Edition

Welcome to the Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Beauties and Beasts, week 2 edition. Wow, say that ten times fast. Well, we’re a mere two weeks into the fantasy season and we can see the craziness brought on by the lockout. Examples, players are going down faster than Madonna at an NBA all-star game and we’re seeing extreme performances by the most unlikely of players, mostly caused by the explosion of scoring in the early going. And it’s almost all in the passing game, as there are currently five wide receivers on pace to break Jerry Rice’s receiving yards record (1848) and four quarterbacks on pace to break Dan Marino’s single season passing yards record. We have never seen these types of numbers at the beginning of the year. Fantasy scoring is up 18% from last year! We expected the offenses to struggle with timing and cohesion and while that might still be true, most of these big plays are coming to players who are wide open down field. So, what has caused this explosion? Well, it seems that the defenses got fat, slow and soft without OTA’s. Imagine what will happen when the offenses get their timing down, the NFL will outlaw OTA’s forever!

A quick reminder that Fantasy beasts are players who surprisingly brought a lot to the table for the week, while beauts are the players who left little on the field and instead saved themselves for the after-game party.

Counting backwards here are the 10 fantasy beauties for week 2, they look marvelous:

10. Roddy White, WR ATL (3-23-1 this week, 118th place in fantasy points) – If I told you the Falcons would score 35 points and “Matty Ice” threw four touchdowns, would you think Roddy White would be held to a very pedestrian 9 fantasy points? Exactly, not a chance, right? That is a major disappointment and the reason Roddy finds himself at #10 this week.

Going forward – White had Nnamdi on him, so the low point total is forgivable. White will be fine going forward, in fact if you can buy him for .75 on the dollar from a frustrated, impatient owner, you will get steal!

9. Anquan Boldin, WR BAL (3-46, 103rd place) – Boldin is not the fantasy superstar he once was, but after his week one performance I believe most owners thought he be counted on to do a little more than 6 fantasy points. I guess it’s forgivable, considering he was facing that staunch Titan defense!

Going forward – Unfortunately, this is what it is. Boldin is not going to be a consistently good fantasy option, but you have to keep him in your lineup.

8. Arian Foster, RB HOU (10-33, 2-7, 296th place) – In the mid-90s, Isaac Bruce had a hammy problem that lasted seemingly entire year. From personal experience, this is how it went down back then:

Week 1 – Isaac is going to sit out week one to give his hamstring a rest. Fantasy status: Benched

Week 2 – Isaac is good to go at San Francisco; Isaac tweaked his hamstring in pre-game warm-ups and now will not play. Fantasy status: In lineup, 0.00 FP.

Week 3– Isaac is going to play this week, the hammy feels much better. Isaac will not return to the game after feeling his hamstring tighten on the first play. Fantasy status: In lineup, 0.00, Frustration Level: HIGH!

Week 4– Isaac will sit out the next two weeks to fully rest his hammy. Fantasy status: Bench, at least I can play a body that can score some points.

Week 7– After bye week, Isaac proclaims himself 100%. Isaac plays one quarter, catches two passes for 45 yards and leaves give due to hamstring. Fantasy Status: In Lineup. Frustration Level: Boarding on felonious.

Week 8– Feeling good Isaac will play. Fantasy status: Bench, can’t trust him. Isaac makes through the game, racking up 10-130-2 numbers. Frustration Level: Disappointed, but happy to have Ike back.

Week 9 – Isaac will play. Fantasy status: In Lineup. Isaac tweaks hamstring on first play of the game, sits out the remainder of the game. Frustration Level: Weighing the pros and cons of purchasing an airline ticket to St. Louis so I can address this problem in person.

 

Going forward – You get the idea, this hammy probably will not heal until the off-season. My advice is as follows: if you have Ben Tate, find an owner willing to take a chance on Foster and sell him for .25 on the dollar and play Tate the rest of the year. If you don’t have Ben Tate, stick Foster on your bench and don’t play him until he makes it through one full game, with no mention of the hammy after the game.

7. Baltimore, DT (-36 fantasy point difference from week one) – One turnover, no sacks, 432 yards allowed and 26 points allowed against a team that was dominated by Jacksonville. Perplexing!

Going forward – My guess is the Ravens are somewhere in between the brutal effort in Tennessee last week and the stunning domination of the Steelers in week one. The schedule going forward is cake. Of course, I didn’t see them going negative against the cupcake Titans this week either. Oh well, at least they shut down Chris Johnson, so they have that going for them.

6. Felix Jones, RB DAL (9-25, 1-5) – To be fair, Felix suffered a shoulder injury during the game which contributed to a portion of his ineffectiveness. That aside, this guy is a perpetual bust, yet he continues to con fantasy owners into spending a high draft pick on him. We need an intervention and tough love on this guy – it’s time to say NO to Felix! Given the firepower on the outside for the Cowboys, any running back should be able to muster 10 fantasy points a game. That is any running back other than Felix.

Going forward – Felix is out of the NFL if he didn’t attend Jerry Jones alma mater, and it’s for that fact that he will continue to get chances. He has little to no trade value at this point anyway, so you’re stuck with him. Maybe he will fall into a 120-2 type game where you can move him to a Cowboy in the league. Because we all know, every league has a Cowboy in it.

5. Reggie Bush, RB MIA (6-18, 1-3) – I feel like Bush and Felix Jones are essentially the same guy, major fantasy disappointments, with seemingly worlds of potential that continue to baffle the fantasy community. Unfortunately for Bush, the owner of the Dolphins did not attend USC, which means that Bush can be cut, or exiled to the bench at any point.

Going forward – You won’t be able to get much for him, but if you have a USC fan in your league, maybe you can pry away a decent, consistent player for the “fools gold”, aka, Reggie Bush.

4. Mike Williams, WR TB (1–4) – Yeah, that’s right 1 catch for minus-4 yards or .1 fantasy points. Hmm, I am guessing fantasy owners were expecting a little more out of the alleged real “Mike Williams” this week. It’s worth noting that Antoine Winfield was on him the entire game. Yes, the same Antoine Winfield who shut down Vincent Jackson the prior week. Has Antoine been tested for HGH? Isn’t becoming a shutdown corner after eight seasons, a little like Brady Anderson hitting 50 home runs and attributing it to “working out extra hard in the off-season”.

Going forward – He will be fine, but one of the problems with Williams is that if he doesn’t score, he is susceptible to poor performance based on the limited number of catches. He isn’t going to put up too many 10-130 games.

3. Plaxico Burress, WR NYJ (0-0) – If you drafted Plax, you probably took a wait and see approach in week one. After being targeted nine times and scoring a touchdown, you probably felt like Plaxico was an every week play. And then BOOM! Plax lays a big fat zero, which squatted in your lineup worse than Cousin Eddie from Vacation.

Going forward – It’s going to be hit or miss with Plax. My advice would be to start him when the Jets play a team that has an offense capable of forcing the Jets running the.

2. Antonio Gates, TE SD (0-0) – Wow, I never thought I would see a pair of 0’s for Gates. The only explanation is Belichick’s fantasy team was playing against Gates, so he decided to completely take Gates out of the game.

Going forward – Good news for Gates owners, the Chargers play the “tonic that cures all that ails ya” (aka, the Chiefs) this week.

1. Chris Johnson, RB TEN (24-53, 3-12) – Cue Kasey Kasem, “For the second consecutive week on Fantasy Beauts and Beasts, the number one Beaut is . . . Chris Johnson with ‘I underperform’!”

Yeah, this might be a little rough on CJ200, considered he didn’t zero-out or anything like Gates or Plax, but when you holdout for more money, then get the “playmaker” contract 53.5, then show up with back-to-back <10 fantasy point numbers, you get the number 1 spot automatically. How bad is it? Well, here are some fun facts for you – so far CJ200 and me have combined for 77 yards and zero TDs on the NFL season. The big difference is that, I am still available and CJ200 is leaving a gaping hole in the middle of fantasy lineups far and wide. Come on, owners, pick me up, I can run two yards into a pile and fall down just like CJ200, at a fraction of the cost. Hell, get the Titans on the phone. I will work this season for one percent of CJ200 contract, $530,000.

Going forward – Next stop Bust-City. If CJ200 doesn’t get it together this week against the Broncos and their below average linebackers, then this column will officially become known as “Chris Johnson’s and Beasts”. But we aren’t going there, I found the problem with CJ200, he tweeted this before week one:


If we measure CJ200’s rushing in feet, he would’ve had 159 last week!

“I thank god for waking me up this morning and pray he keep me and all the 32 teams healthy.”

You see the problem, right? He didn’t capitalize God (twice), as if he was praying to a random-type of god or he was thanking one of the many, many gods. And God being God, He decided to keep CJ200 physically healthy, but mentally a mess, as the entire fantasy community now hates him.

Not to worry, I have the fix:

“I thank God for waking me up this morning and pray He allows CJ200 to return to CJ2K by scoring touchdown(s) in every remaining game of the NFL season, running him to his given ability (by You) and lead the NFL in rushing.”

Whew, CJ200 owners, I think that should right the ship for CJ200. God is good!

And now on to the fun side of fantasy football, the beasts. Here are the top 10 fantasy beasts for week 2, with a category of either Pretender (don’t expect this to happen again) or Fo’ Real (dude’s legit):

10. Vincent Jackson, WR SD/Miles Austin, WR DAL/Jeremy Maclin, WR PHI – In general I try to save the “Beasts” for surprising players coming from nowhere, but these three guys put up beastly numbers the past weekend. And to think some lucky fantasy owner might have had all three in their lineup and some schmuck might have had to play against all three, ouch! Of the three only Austin put up a decent week one; Maclin and Jackson rewarded owners, who took their week one bowl of crap, said “Yummy” and asked for more, with a filet mignon. Unfortunately, Austin shredded his hammy and will be out for the next few weeks. Despite that, all three guys are Fo’ Real

9. Detroit Lions, DT (3 PA, 2 sacks, 6 to) – Let’s be realistic, it was the Chiefs without their best offensive player. However, I do like the Lions defensive line quite a bit. Still, they’re going to have to put up numbers against a team with an offense better than De La Salle high school to be anything other than a Pretender.

8. Matthew Stafford (294-4) – Stafford is on pace for 56 touchdown passes, which would break Tom Brady’s record of 50. Of course, Brady and Ryan Fitzpatrick are also on pace to do this as well, however, though it’s early, and with the caveat he stays healthy, I like Stafford’s chances given the facts a. he will play the majority of his games in a dome, few bad weather games; b. has play makers all over the field; and c. the Lions don’t have a great goal-line back, meaning they have to throw to score points. Dude is definitely, Fo’ Real

7. Fred Jackson, RB BUF (15-117-2, 2-23) – The Bills tried very hard to replace this guy – see Marshawn Lynch and C.J, Spiller. But they couldn’t. And thankfully they have finally given him his due respect, which is paying huge dividends for them. Fo’ Real.

6. Rob Gronkowski, TE NEP (4-86-2) – I was wrrr. I was wrrr. I was wrrrrrrooong. I can admit it, I laughed when he was drafted in the third round ahead of Gates, Finley and Witten. The joke’s on me! What is going on here is Belichick is coaching like he is playing a video game and he is inventing “bucket list” items to accomplish, this year it was “let’s see if we can get both Hernandez and Gronk 15 touchdowns each.” Not only is Gronk Fo’ Real, but without Hernandez for at least three weeks, he will probably lead all non-QBs in fantasy scoring during that time frame.

5. Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB BUF (264-3, 1 Amazing comeback) – This guy is making Bills fan forget about Doug Flutie. Definitely, Fo’ Real.

4. Tonty Gonzalez, TE ATL (5-63-2) –The old man shed his cane to go off against the Eagles. Goodness how bad are the Eagles against the tight end; it’s like, whoops, missed a spot there “Dream Team”. The good news, hopefully “found” points from Gonzalez this week propelled his owners to a win; the bad news, the “found” points might be enough for owners to continue playing Gonzo, hoping for another Eagle defense to show up. Not. Going. To. Happen. Pretender.

3. Eric Decker, WR DEN (8-178-2) – Did you see what I saw Sunday? Yup, that was Brandon Lloyd’s career vanishing before our very eyes. Decker might have just Wally Pipp’d him. Fo’ Real

2. Denarious Moore, WR OAK (422-2, 18-1) – I’ve heard of the one they call Denarious, the pre-season legend, but now I have seen it myself. The kid is by far the best receiver on the Raiders, which should put him in the Fo’ Real class, but the smart money here is on Al Davis hanging on to the hope the Heyward-Bey will give him some return on his investment. I mean Denarious is just a 5th rounder, those kind of guys grow on trees, right Al? Therefore it’s a mind bender, Pretender!

1. Cam Newton, QB CAR (12-35-1, 9-58-2) – Wow, just wow, so another one I was dead wrong on, as Cam threw for another 4 bills this past week. For the record Cam is on pace to throw for over 6800 yards, which would not only obliterate the NFL record (5,084) but almost double the record for a rookie (3,739). If Cam averages a normal, human Aikman-like 207 passing yards a game for the rest of the season, he will still break the rookie record. Not only is this guy 100% Fo’ Real, but if he throws for 400 yards this week, I am taking him out of these rankings for good and bestowing upon him the highest honor of renaming the “Beast” section to the “Newtons”.

So, we’ve got a lot on the line this week! Look next week for “Week 3, Fantasy Johnsons and Newtons”. “Johnsons” works on several fronts, right?

When it comes to fantasy futures, Colin Wynner calls the fantasy winners!

Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Beauties and Beasts

Welcome to the first weekly edition of Wynner’s Weekly Fantasy Beauties and Beasts. Each week I will identify ten Fantasy Beauties and ten Fantasy Beasts from the previous weekend. The fantasy beauties represent players who did so little to help their fantasy teams that they didn’t need a shower at the end of their game, they were still beautiful!

Fantasy beasts are players who surprisingly brought a lot to the table for the week, much like Beast himself, who though hideous in appearance, was beautiful on the inside, thoughtful, caring and intelligent. Inner beauty, baby, as in inner the end zone, chief!

Counting backwards here are the 10 fantasy beauties for week 1, they look marvelous:

10. Owen Daniels, TE HOU (1-12) – In fairness, the Texans blew out the Colts so there wasn’t much need for Daniels’ pass catching skills. Unfortunately, team wins didn’t help the owners who started Daniels. Going forward – Daniels will be fine and if you watched what the Patriots tight ends did versus Miami Monday, he most likely rights the ship this weekend against the Fish.

9. Matt Ryan, QB ATL (319 yards, 1 INT) – And we all thought that adding Julio Jones was going to make “Matty Ice” a top tier quarterback. Going forward – With the Falcons defense, Matty is going to have plenty of opportunities to post big numbers, but if he finds his name on this list again, he would be a candidate to move before his value gets too low.

8. Dwayne Bowe, WR KC (2-17) – The Chiefs are a mess, and Bowe is not consistent enough to be a big time fantasy wide receiver. Going forward – Move Bowe now, do not pass Go, do not collect $200! Hopefully, you can get .50 on the dollar! Believe me Bowe will be on clearance in a couple of weeks. But if you are too stubborn to accept your mistake, then keep playing this guy waiting for the inevitable 10-130-3 game that will account for over 50% of his total season points.

7. Shonn Greene, RB NYJ (10-26, 1-7) – The worst part for Greene owners isn’t the terrible week one numbers but the fact that Tomlinson looked like his old self. And Greene has never had an “old self” to look like, he’s mired in mediocrity. Going forward – Not time to panic quite yet, but temper the expectations for this season.

6. Rashard Mendenhall, RB PIT (12-45) – The big concern with Mendy is that he doesn’t play of third down, almost as if it’s in his contract. That presents two problems – 1. He never gets those garbage 12 yard runs on the 3rd and 18 draw plays; and 2. He doesn’t catch any passes. Not getting the receiving yards means that Mendy is worthless unless he finds the end zone. Going forward – He certainly shouldn’t be on your “untouchable” list. The Steelers just lost starting right tackle Willie Colon, so you might want to wait for a couple decent games and dump him on another owner. The Steelers get the Seahawks and the Colts in the next two weeks. That should do the trick – dump him on the high for a under-achiever like maybe Arian Foster.

5. Larry Fitzgerald, WR ARIZ (3-62) – Based on Fitz’ draft position, owners had to be bitterly disappointed in the modest 3-62 effort. But he did have Chris Gamble on him the entire game. Gamble? Who is the hell is that? You have to be kidding me that the Cardinals didn’t want to challenge Chris Gamble. Oh, that tricky Whisenhunt and his offensive staff refusing to attempt to throw on Gamble. I am really starting to believe Whisenhunt sucks as a coach! I mean I could’ve taken the 2008 Cardinals to the Super Bowl, you had Kurt Warner playing at his highest level, with Fitzgerald at his highest level. I guess Cardinals fans should be glad that they didn’t encounter Chris Gamble on their way to the Super Bowl, hey, wait a minute, that’s right they crushed Gamble and the Panthers in those playoffs. Yeah, but Fitz didn’t do … ok enough, I think you get my point. Going forward – Fitzgerald will be just fine, provided the Cardinals coaches have the balls to challenge stalwart corners such as Carlos Rogers, Bradley Fletcher and Marcus Trufant.

4. Pittsburgh DT (35 Points Allowed) – The Steelers were the first defense off the board in the majority of leagues and they provided an immediate turd sandwich in return. Yip, they really gave it to fantasy owners in leagues that penalized points allowed. Going forward – It’s too early to panic, but moderate concern with a nice backup plan is recommended. They still have four games with the Bengals and Browns, plus the Colts, Titans and Jaguars, those should be dominate performances. However, on the flip side, you might want find a replacement when they play the Texans (week 5) and Pats (week 8).

3. LaGarrette Blount, RB TB (5-15) – Fifteen yards? Really, LaGarrette? Do I need to get that Boise State player to get up in your grill to get you going? I think it is safe to assume that Blount killed just about every fantasy team he was on this week. Going forward – I didn’t like him coming into the year, week one did nothing but reinforce that opinion. Sell him if you can find an owner who is either really dumb or doesn’t pay attention.

2. Vincent Jackson, WE SD (2-31) – I cannot imagine how a guy as physical as Vincent Jackson could possibly be held to 2 for 31. I mean you’d think Chris Gamble was on him or something. Going forward – Week one is basically a joke in fantasy; it’s where you see teams get wins that might not win another game. V-Jax is still going to put up 85-1200-12 this season, now you’ll get that in 15 weeks as opposed to 16. Good news!

1. Chris Johnson, RB TEN (9-24, 6-25) – CJ2K gets the nod as the #1 fantasy beauty for his lack of performance in week one. To be fair, It wasn’t just the lack of production, but the lackluster effort and his overall approach. If I didn’t know any better I would think CJ2K was more worried about how to spend that extra 50 million he just got, than earning that money with an honest day’s work. Going forward – It’s simple, until further notice CJ2K is known as CJ200, because at his current pace and effort will is more likely to finish the season with 200 yards than 2,000. My opinion is that this guy is going to be a gigantic bust this season. And right now you can’t get much for him. Oh sure, there will be a saavy owner who will offer you the pile of horse manure for him, but you’ll never get the spent value.

Here are the top 10 fantasy beasts for week one, with a category of either Pretender (don’t expect this to happen again) or Fo’ Real (dude’s legit):

10. Sebastian Janikowski, K OAK (14 fantasy points) – Very appropriately in the beast section, but in all seriousness, did you see the 63 yard field goal? Wow, that thing was drilled and cut the wind like a perfectly thrown discus. I was all over the owner who drafted this guy in the 12th round, but I have to say this guy might be the only kicker in the history of the NFL worth that high of a pick (me and Al Davis are tight). How valuable is a guy who any time the Raiders get in their opponents territory they are field goal range, plus Jason Campbell is a terrible red zone quarterback meaning he will have loads of attempts. Fo’ Real

9. Darren McFadden, RB OAK (150, 1-6 and a non-TD TD) – McFadden is a already a fantasy star, so he shouldn’t be here, right? Wrong, this guy is the guy, I mean like the top guy, the guy who will lead the NFL in rushing and running backs in fantasy points. Yeah, he’s that good! And if the Raiders figure out that he can be a great goal-line back, it would take a completely inept owner not to win his fantasy championship if McFadden is on his team. Fo’ Real

8. San Francisco DT (34 fantasy points) – Most of the damage was done late in the game when the Seahawks did their best San Diego Charger impersonation, so don’t expect 34 points with Dallas coming to town. Pretender

7. Jermaine Gresham, TE CIN (6-58-1) – He’s the Jermichael Finley of Cincinnati only without the heavy price tag. I will predict right now that Gresham outscores Finley on the season, so, yeah, I guess you could say I think he is Fo’ Real.

6. Beanie Wells, RB ARZ (18-90-1, 4-12) – Remember , that stiff arm Beanie gave Aaron Ross of the Giants in his rookie season. You know the one that would make Marshawn Lynch’s forearm shiver to Tracy Porter in last season’s playoffs look like foreplay. Well, Beanie was in that mode all game long. He is going to be huge this season, something along the lines of 1100-13. Fo’ Real.

5. Darren Sproles, RB NO (2-7, 7-75, 1 TD) – Here’s the deal with Sproles, for what the Saints like to do he should be playing more. He is a perfect fit for that offense and I can see him continuing to produce double digits every game. Logically, it doesn’t make sense and one would think that he isn’t capable of those thype of numbers but after one game I can see the potential. Sproles owners can only hope that Coach Payton can as well. Fo’ Real.

4. Scott Chandler, TE BUF (5-63-2) – Anyone want to bet that Chandler ends the season with 4 TDs? Yeah, that pretty much means this guy is a Pretender.

3. Steve Smith, WR CAR (8-178-2) – I thought the Carolina Steve Smith was dead! To put it in perspective, 77 yards, 1 catch and 1 TD came against the seven-man sled coverage. The Cardinals secondary isn’t very good (they need Chris Gamble badly) and Newton’s not that accurate, therefore, I would temper my expectations of Smith. Pretender

2. Cam Newton, QB CAR (422-2, 18-1) – I would be surprised if Newton threw for 422 yards in his next two games combined. He’s a rookie; he faced quite possibly the worst secondary in the NFL; and he was forced to throw in comeback mode. No doubt, he’s going to be good, but this year – Pretender

1. Mike Tolbert, RB SDG (12-35-1, 9-58-2) – That’s where all of V-Jax’s receptions went. A few things are working against Tolbert repeating this performance – 1. He seems a bit injury prone; 2. The Chargers are a vertical passing team, for some reason they just didn’t do that Sunday (maybe the Vikes had cardboard cut-outs for Chris Gamble in the secondary and that scared Rivers away); and 3. Ryan Mathews splits time with and could have just as easily been the recipient of the receiving touchdowns. That aside, I still like him going forward, so Mikey, you’re definitely Fo’ Real.

When it comes to fantasy futures, Colin Wynner calls the fantasy winners!

Fantasy Football 2011 – Draft Day Running Log

When I was extended the invitation to write a running log chronicling a pair 2011 fantasy football drafts, I jumped at the because after all I needed a column to kick off the 2011 season and what better way than a full day of a following every move of a dozen and half fantasy geeks. Plus, I was very interested in how the lockout would affect fantasy football.

As I see it, the lockout benefits the consistently below average fantasy teams, in fact I think it elevates them to the same level as the consistently competitive. Even the self proclaimed fantasy experts are clueless (I think you qualify as a fantasy expert if you somehow have suckered a legitimate company to give you a paycheck in return for your fantasy advice)! What does that mean? Well, I think it opens up the possibility of one lucky owner hitting what I will call the “fantasy lottery ticket”. What’s the fantasy lottery ticket you ask, well it’s when your first three picks don’t miss and in the 4th-9th round you get on the right side of every running back/wide receiver time share.

Here is the format for the running log, in addition randomly documenting the activities and comments of the draft, I will “Call the round winners and losers” at the end of each round. At the end of each of the drafts, I will post my division, playoff, super bowl and total points odds for that team.

On to the log:

11:54 AM – Twenty four minutes late getting started, but after an off-season of uncertainty, we have a pick and it’s a mild surprise – Aaron Rodgers as opposed to AP. The logic? We have that right from the horse’s ass, uh, I mean mouth, “with the quarterback scoring, I wanted the sure thing in Rodgers”. Quite true, with 6 points for all touchdowns, quarterbacks consistently liter the top 10. Of course that logic takes a dramatic turn for the worse if Rodgers decides to take a casual run through the middle of the Lions defense again this year. If that happens he will be one step closer to Chris Miller (rumor has it that Miller has directions to his house in his wallet) than a “sure thing”.

The other thing about drafting a quarterback at #1 with a WR keeper is your #1 running back will be someone like Ryan Mathews. Yuck!

11:55 AM – Fireworks one minute into the draft, as the second selection is Ray Rice, which “board boy” (board boy – the monkey that shows up to help with the draft board) responds, “Seriously”! Oh man, it’s on like Donkey Kong. Let’s get some reaction from that owner:

“Yeah, seriously is right! What I am thinking, I mean I’ve only won this league the last two years. And my winning percentage in five years is a Patriot-like .700, I’ve won three total point titles in five seasons. I think what that says if I want to take Jerry Rice at number two that you should quietly put the sticker on the board and then run as fast as you to move Jerry up your own, pathetic list.”

OK, thanks for the impressive resume, big fella, but the reality is AP is the pick at number two and taking Rice over him is how fantasy season get lost in the first round!

The Annilhilators sheepishly select AP at three, almost as they are afraid that “Super Resume” is going to change their mind.

11:59 AM – Another surprise at #7 – Steven Jackson, yikes! Ahead of LeSean McCoy. I don’t like that one bit.

12:02 PM – Matt Forte makes it into the first round and immediately demands first round money.

12:03 PM – A nine minute first round ends with Greg Jennings. Noticeably absent in the first round – Roddy White. Here is the recap:

1.01

1.

Sugar Daddy’s Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB
1.02

2.

Cleveland Steamers Rice, Ray BAL RB
1.03

3.

Annihilators Peterson, Adrian MIN RB
1.04

4.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Johnson, Andre HOU WR
1.05

5.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Vick, Michael PHI QB
1.06

6.

Fighting Squirrels Charles, Jamaal KCC RB
1.07

7.

Convicts Jackson, Steven STL RB
1.08

8.

Garage Stumbling Johnson, Calvin DET WR
1.09

9.

Clive City Council McCoy, LeSean PHI RB
1.10

10.

Desperados Turner, Michael ATL RB
1.11

11.

The Dark Side Forte, Matt CHI RB
1.12

12.

Blinkers On Jennings, Greg GBP WR

Colin Wynner calls the winner:

Clive City Council, LeSean McCoy

And the loser:

Cleveland Steamers, Ray Rice

12:05 PM – It’s a run on Chargers – Vincent Jackson, Antonio Gates and, ah, Desperados break up the run with Larry Fitzgerald. Chive City (Yea, it’s Clive, but one of the more creative things “board boy” did was jack up every team name) goes Phillip Rivers. Come on Carriage Stumbling go Mathews, let’s keep drafting Chargers. Nope, it’s Drew Brees.

12:08 PM – Some people call me, Maurice! As in MJD, or “Pocket Hercules” or “I have very little cartilage left in my knee and I feel like I may need hip replacement surgery any day now”. You gotta love the balls on Convicts – Steven Jackson and MJD – two guys with quite a bit on the odometer. Like Albert Ganz told Billy Bear, “You should have stolen a better truck, Convict!” And before I get a flurry of e-mails from those who wrote their doctorate thesis on the evolved relationship between Cates and Hammond, I know it was Billy Bear that called Ganz “convict”, but it read better than the racially insensitive “Tonto”.

12:10 PM – Cleveland Steamers draft Tom Brady, who looks to be in eff-U mode this season, similar to 2007. The surprisingly sensitive “Super Resume” Steamers reacts negatively to another comment, “I was hoping to get Brady as my backup”. Colin’s odds that Steamers drops dead of a rage induced heart attack prior to the end of the draft – 20-1, odds that he starts turning over tabling, a la Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, 8-1.

12:11 PM – I love the pace of this draft so far; averaging 7 minutes a round, though how hard is it to select players in the first two round. We’ve a mini-break, enough time to check out who is in attendance – the Ray Rice twins are in da house, Joe Namath, a very shy Erik Dickerson (jersey is draped across the back of the chair) and the ghost of Anquan Boldin (Cardinals version). Pretty disappointing turn out, although the presence of Namath might bring some fantasy football groupies to the table.

2.01

13.

Blinkers On Jackson, Vincent SDC WR
2.02

14.

The Dark Side Gates, Antonio SDC TE
2.03

15.

Desperados Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR
2.04

16.

Clive City Council Rivers, Philip SDC QB
2.05

17.

Garage Stumbling Brees, Drew NOS QB
2.06

18.

Convicts Jones-Drew, Maurice JAC RB
2.07

19.

Fighting Squirrels White, Roddy ATL WR
2.08

20.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Blount, LeGarrette TBB RB
2.09

21.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Gore, Frank SFO RB
2.10

22.

Annihilators Jones, Felix DAL RB
2.11

23.

Cleveland Steamers Brady, Tom NEP QB
2.12

24.

Sugar Daddy’s Best, Jahvid DET RB

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Fighting Squirrels, Roddy White

and the loser:

The Dark Side, Antonio Gates

12:12 PM – The third round begins with a double pick of Hakeem Nicks! That’s a costly double pick at $5, which goes to the Little Steamers college fund. And with the knowledge of Nicks off the board, panic sets in as Sugar Drawers (see I can do it too, board boy, accept with considerable more creativity) select Anquan Boldin.

12:14 PM – Steamers continue a bizarre draft with the selection of Steve Johnson, who called out God last year after he dropped a pass, something like “this is how you do me, after all I do for you!” I love the back-handed compliment to God, right? He actually reveals God’s sovereignty, by admitting that God had full control over the play and caused him to drop the pass. But what Steve didn’t realize was that Mike Tomlin had prayed and done sooo much more that week than Stevie, so what was God to do but have Stevo drop the pass. But I like this pick, God clearly owns Steve a few touchdowns! Man, I love twitter, especially in the hands of over-reactors.

12:16 PM – This draft has two fellas volunteering their precious time to help out and foe that I give them a heart-felt, sincere thanks, so keep that in mind while reading the rest of the log, Anyway, one of them has already been mentioned, “board boy” who has the challenging job of pulling stickers from the sticker sheet and placing them on the draft board. I think the commish picks up a couple drinks for this guy, but otherwise the only payment he receives is the ability to butcher team names and make sniping comments. The other fellas is slight evolved version of “board boy”, who runs the computer, entering the pick for each team as they are made, with that in mind we will call him “data entry boy”.

The most recent pick was Miles Austin. After about 90 seconds, “Data Entry Boy” frantically screams, “Stop, stop, Austin Miles is not on the list”. Damn players with two first names!

12:17 PM – Da Boyz from NYC break up the longest positional run of the draft (4 straight WRs) with his homeboy Shonn Greene.

12:19 PM – Peyton Hillis falls all the way to 31 and is drafted by the Convicts. First off, this pick is rated as the best pick in the draft by the ANWOFFL (Arian Nation Whites Only Fantasy Football League). Secondly, if Convicts is a Bon Jovi fan my guess is his favorite song is ‘Living on a prayer’. Injury risk MJD, possibly falling off the map Steven Jackson and late season fade Payton Hillis. Could be gold, could be steel, like a steel-toed kick directly to the nuts!

12:20 PM – Reggie Wayne is drafted at 35. 35! See how crazy this draft is going. Reggie goes after Brandon Marshall, Mike Williams and Dez Bryant. Even with the corpse of Kerry Collins or Curtis “I will soon be knocking on your door asking if you will hire me as a” Painter throwing passes to him, he has to be better than Steve Johnson, right?

12:21 PM – Bizarro draft continues – as Mark Ingram goes in the third round to Blinkers On.

3.01

25.

Sugar Daddy’s Boldin, Anquan BAL WR
3.02

26.

Cleveland Steamers Johnson, Steve BUF WR
3.03

27.

Annihilators Jackson, DeSean PHI WR
3.04

28.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Austin, Miles DAL WR
3.05

29.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Greene, Shonn NYJ RB
3.06

30.

Fighting Squirrels Bryant, Dez DAL WR
3.07

31.

Convicts Hillis, Peyton CLE RB
3.08

32.

Garage Stumbling Witten, Jason DAL TE
3.09

33.

Clive City Council Marshall, Brandon MIA WR
3.10

34.

Desperados Williams, Mike TBB WR
3.11

35.

The Dark Side Wayne, Reggie IND WR
3.12

36.

Blinkers On Ingram, Mark NOS RB (R)

Colin Wynner calls winner:

The Dark Side, Reggie Wayne

and the loser:

Sugar Daddy’s, Anquan Boldin

12:22 PM – In the words of Dick Enberg, oh my – Blinkers On just picked Chad OchoCinco. Colin’s about to start preaching, I mean preaching like “And the LORD reached out his HAND and grabbed AHOLD of ME and hasn’t LET GO” preaching. We can keep players drafted in the 4th round or later, Ingram might be a keeper, Ocho will definitely not be a keeper, why not flip those picks? Well, if Ingram leads the NFL in touchdowns this year, the league thanks you.

Now onto OchoCinco, I wish that Aaron Hernandez would have steadfastly refused to give up his number 85, which would have forced OchoCinco to take a different number. Colin’s odds on what Ocho would have done:

Changed number to 15 and last name to Quince – 5-1

Changed number to 18 and name to UNOOCHO – 6-1

Force Belichick to list him as a linebacker, take number 58 and change name to CINCOOCHO – 12-1

Retire – 1000-1

Take whatever number the Patriots will give him, keep his name and mouth shut and do what all malcontents do when they get to the Patriots – fall in line – 1-2

12:23 PM – Interesting comment on where to hang the draft board – Da BOYZ says put in up there (pointing to a TV screen), board boy looks confused and states, “that’s a TV screen”. Shockingly true!

12:25 PM – Dallas Clark is now off the board. Peyton Manning is now all alone in the “Green” room, shaking his head in disbelief.

12:27 PM – Fearsome Threesome is up – yeah, somehow Cleveland Steamers is confused with another team, from another league. You know because the same person cannot possibly think about having a different team name. Unfazed, Steamers take the ANWOFFL #2 overall pick (Wes Velker) at a bargain of #47.

12:29 PM – It’s never a good sign when all you hear after a pick is the shuffling of papers! Just happened with the selection of Kellen Winslow, Jr. The good news for Sugar Daddy’s – you can keep Winslow next year.

4.01

37.

Blinkers On Ochocinco, Chad NEP WR
4.02

38.

The Dark Side Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG RB
4.03

39.

Desperados Nicks, Hakeem NYG WR
4.04

40.

Clive City Council Clark, Dallas IND TE
4.05

41.

Garage Stumbling Bowe, Dwayne KCC WR
4.06

42.

Convicts Lloyd, Brandon DEN WR
4.07

43.

Fighting Squirrels Romo, Tony DAL QB
4.08

44.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Moreno, Knowshon DEN RB
4.09

45.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Davis, Vernon SFO TE
4.10

46.

Annihilators Holmes, Santonio NYJ WR
4.11

47.

Cleveland Steamers Welker, Wes NEP WR
4.12

48.

Sugar Daddy’s Winslow, Kellen TBB TE

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Cleveland Steamers, Wes Welker

and the loser:

Sugar Daddy’s, Kellen Winslow JR

12:34 PM – My favorite part of fantasy drafts is the post-pick, simple comment of “NICE”. Though fantasy owners will never admit, the simple “NICE” by another owner, not only validates the pick but also gives said owner Alpha-Male status, well at least until the next “NICE”. Well, that is until some wise-n-heimer decides to randomly dish out “NICE” comments for “NOT NICE” picks. That somewhat ruins the moment.

The “NICE” meter just hit 4 with the selection of Mario Manningham.

12:35 PM – “NICE” x5, as Matty Ice gets taken. Maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t feel like there are Matt Ryan type quarterbacks available on waivers every week? He finished last season as the #8 overall QB, but 15th is average points per week behind fantasy studs like David Garrard, Kyle Orton and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure he has a new toy in Julio Jones, but still I think he has been over-hyped since his rookie season.

12:37 PM – Ryan Mathews breaks the two pick streak of “NICE”. Although Mathews is merely in his second season he is in a make or break year. If he fails to become the GUY in SD this year, the Chargers will use a high pick next season on a running back and Mathews will be toast. Sad but true, running backs are not given much time to adjust to the league.

12:38 PM – Jimmy Graham closes out round 5, yea, I love that kid too but in the 5th round? I guess if you want a player you have to guarantee that you get him. If this were an auction draft, Graham would have gone for about twice his reasonable value – I heard several gasps (or more like “R U EFFING KIDDING ME”) when Graham’s name was called.

5.01

49.

Sugar Daddy’s Wells, Chris ARI RB
5.02

50.

Cleveland Steamers Harvin, Percy MIN WR
5.03

51.

Annihilators Foster, Arian HOU RB
5.04

52.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Colston, Marques NOS WR
5.05

53.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Maclin, Jeremy PHI WR
5.06

54.

Fighting Squirrels Wallace, Mike PIT WR
5.07

55.

Convicts Manning, Peyton IND QB
5.08

56.

Garage Stumbling Lynch, Marshawn SEA RB
5.09

57.

Clive City Council Manningham, Mario NYG WR
5.10

58.

Desperados Ryan, Matt ATL QB
5.11

59.

The Dark Side Mathews, Ryan SDC RB
5.12

60.

Blinkers On Graham, Jimmy NOS TE

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Convicts, Peyton Manning

and the loser:

Show Me Your TDs, Marques Colston

12:41 PM – “Tim Hightower”, “NICE!” x6

12:43 PM – Deangelo Williams is finally selected in the 6TH round! I’ve got 34 million reasons why that is a great pick.

12:45 PM – Sidney Rice is selected with pick #69, which coincidental is the O/U of fantasy points for Rice this year. Yea, I am not a big fan of Sidney Rice this year.

6.01

61.

Blinkers On Jackson, Fred BUF RB
6.02

62.

The Dark Side Smith, Steve CAR WR
6.03

63.

Desperados Daniels, Owen HOU TE
6.04

64.

Clive City Council Johnson, Chris TEN RB
6.05

65.

Garage Stumbling Hightower, Tim WAS RB
6.06

66.

Convicts Thomas, Mike JAC WR
6.07

67.

Fighting Squirrels Williams, DeAngelo CAR RB
6.08

68.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Moss, Santana WAS WR
6.09

69.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Rice, Sidney SEA WR
6.10

70.

Annihilators Stafford, Matthew DET QB
6.11

71.

Cleveland Steamers Mendenhall, Rashard PIT RB
6.12

72.

Sugar Daddy’s Addai, Joseph IND RB

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Fighting Squirrels, DeAngelo Williams

and the loser:

Show Me Your TDs, Sidney Rice

12:46 PM – Break time, I’ve heard good things about the burgers from a few of the owners. Unfortunately, the waitress must have thought today was opposite day because my burger is damn near raw though I ordered it medium-well. That puts me in a real jam because if you send back a under cooked food item, there is about a 100% chance that you will get an over-cooked item back. So, it’s between dripping blood and the risk of E.Coli or trying to swallow a hockey puck. Time for cliché man to make an appearance:

“I will stick with the burger that brought me”

“Look, it’s easy to blame the waitress or the cook or hell, maybe even the grill, but we win and lose as a team, I don’t point fingers”

12:57 PM – Interesting picks to start off the 6th round – Danny Amendola, who is allegedly the Wes Welker of the Rams offense and Cedric Benson, who is falling in this draft like he is hurt or facing prison time. Look, Benson isn’t a top ten running back, but I think the hate on the Bengals has gone way too far. This team is two years removed from a division championship, they have rid themselves of the drama-queen and a quarterback who was never the same after Kimo Von Oelhoffen launched himself into his knee like a Donkey Kong crazy barrel and their defense is still good enough to keep them in games. Add it all up and I think we will see Ced much closer to 2009, than 2010.

1:00 PM – James Starks of Green Bay just went, which would have been great if the owner announced the pick with, “I’ll take the starting Green Bay running back, James Starks”. Ryan Grant was drafted with the previous pick.

1:01 PM – “Nice job, Pierre.” Pierre Garcon is the first Pierre drafted. The reference is from an old Miller High Life commercial, where the narrator states, “It’s hard to respect the French when you have to bail them out of two big ones in a one century, but we have to hand it to them on mayonnaise. Nice job, Pierre!”

1:02 PM – What’s that smell? It’s a run on defenses.

7.01

73.

Sugar Daddy’s Amendola, Danny STL WR
7.02

74.

Cleveland Steamers Benson, Cedric CIN RB
7.03

75.

Annihilators Collie, Austin IND WR
7.04

76.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Schaub, Matt HOU QB
7.05

77.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Grant, Ryan GBP RB
7.06

78.

Fighting Squirrels Starks, James GBP RB
7.07

79.

Convicts Garcon, Pierre IND WR
7.08

80.

Garage Stumbling Jones, Julio ATL WR (R)
7.09

81.

Clive City Council Green, A.J. CIN WR (R)
7.10

82.

Desperados Burress, Plaxico NYJ WR
7.11

83.

The Dark Side Floyd, Malcom SDC WR
7.12

84.

Blinkers On Sims-Walker, Mike STL WR

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Cleveland Steamers, Cedric Benson

and the loser:

Sugar Daddy’s, Danny Amendola

1:05 PM – The, intentional, name butchering by “board boy” is starting to get annoying to even an easy going guy like me – the latest – Fearsome Foreskin, which could be somewhat funny, if there was actually a team in this league with a similar name, but the closest team to that name would beeither Fighting Squirrels or Clive City. At this point I wish we had a mute running the draft board! The owners are stuck in middle of inane comments from board boy and data entry boy’s gay voice inflection that would make Eddie Murphy’s “Ramon” bit from Beverly Hills Cop seem Jack Palance masculine. Only 26 rounds to go, of course, we get to replace these guys at the end of the first draft, so we got that going for us.

1:08 PM – The Gronk is selected setting up the classic line, “You know we don’t get points successful blocks” and “I’ll take the pass catching tight end in New England, Aaron Hernandez”.

1:09 PM – Ah, there is the first defense – the Green Bay Packers. Interesting, not sure that’s the defense I would select to break the cherry.

1:11 PM – Data Entry Boy – “Did Lee Evans get traded?” I need him and 10 guys just like him for my 12 team $10,000 a team, winner take all league.

8.01

85.

Blinkers On

Manning, Eli NYG QB

8.02

86.

The Dark Side

Freeman, Josh TBB QB

8.03

87.

Desperados

Tolbert, Mike SDC RB

8.04

88.

Clive City Council

Thomas, Daniel MIA RB (R)

8.05

89.

Garage Stumbling

Moore, Lance NOS WR

8.06

90.

Convicts

Gronkowski, Rob NEP TE

8.07

91.

Fighting Squirrels

Pettigrew, Brandon DET TE

8.08

92.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Tomlinson, LaDainian NYJ RB

8.09

93.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Packers, Green Bay GBP Def

8.10

94.

Annihilators

Steelers, Pittsburgh PIT Def

8.11

95.

Cleveland Steamers

Evans, Lee BAL WR

8.12

96.

Sugar Daddy’s

Lewis, Marcedes JAC TE

Colin Wynner calls winner:

Desperados, Mike Tolbert

and the loser:

Convicts, Ron Gronkowski

1:13 PM – Dustin Keller goes with the 4th pick of the 9th round and, of course, we get a comment from “the help”, “Dustin Keller is Helen Kellers great uncle”. Holy freaking crap, for that to have happened this would have to be the scenario – over a hundred and fifty years ago Dustin Keller was out hunting on the plains, when he slipped and fell into a crevasse, where he was frozen solid. In 2002, he was discovered by scientists and thawed out. He then attended Purdue University, was drafted by the NFL and became. . .Unfrozen Caveman Tight End!

Either that or they meant to say he is Helen Keller’s great-great-great nephew.

1:16 PM – Nice job, Pierre, part II. As Pierre Thomas is taken, six rounds after Mark Ingram and by the same team. I predict that owning both guys is going to drive Blinkers nuts the entire season, to the point that eventually both will be in their starting lineup.

1:17 PM – Tony Gonzalez is taken. I remember Jerry Rice holding on too long, to the point where he was being effectively covered by linebackers. The Bears defensive coordinated is installed a special defense where the nose tackle is going to have coverage responsibility on the tight end. Time to hang ’em up Tony!

1:19 PM – “The Law Firm” is drafted, aka, BenJarvus Green-Ellis.

9.01

97.

Sugar Daddy’s Knox, Johnny CHI WR

9.02

98.

Cleveland Steamers Stewart, Jonathan CAR RB

9.03

99.

Annihilators Spiller, C.J. BUF RB

9.04

100.

Show Me Your TDs!!!! Keller, Dustin NYJ TE

9.05

101.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Jets, New York NYJ Def

9.06

102.

Blinkers On Thomas, Pierre NOS RB

9.07

103.

Convicts Bush, Reggie MIA RB

9.08

104.

Garage Stumbling Meachem, Robert NOS WR

9.09

105.

Clive City Council Bears, Chicago CHI Def

9.10

106.

Annihilators Gonzalez, Tony ATL TE

9.11

107.

The Dark Side Cutler, Jay CHI QB

9.12

108.

Blinkers On Green-Ellis, BenJarvus NEP RB
Colin Wynner calls winner:

Blinkers On, Pierre Thomas

and the loser:

Annihilators, Tony Gonzalez

1:27 PM – The draft is starting to drag. The most interesting thing that happen this round is the selection of Braylon Edwards by Steamers. Apparently, Steamers tagged Edwards with the nickname “Kid Drop” during his abomination of a season in 2008. You know the one where he dropped like five balls a game, had 10 games of less than 10 points and scored three touchdowns. Wow, a season like that is unforgivable, but Steamers has found it in his heart to forgive or maybe he just forgot because his draft has gone south from the moment he decided to take Ray Rice over Adrian Peterson. What he needs right now is a Men In Black mind eraser pen. Think about it – it would work on several levels, he could quickly switch the Rice pick in the computer and blame the jacked up board (where the stickers are permanent) on board boy.

That aisde, Braylon is un-draftable this year as he is at best the third option (V. Davis is a clear-cut #1 and for some reason, the 49ers think the Craptree is a legit receiver) on a team with no quarterback.

10.01

109.

Fighting Squirrels

Olsen, Greg CAR TE

10.02

110.

The Dark Side

Jacobs, Brandon NYG RB

10.03

111.

Desperados

Branch, Deion NEP WR

10.04

112.

Clive City Council

Ford, Jacoby OAK WR

10.05

113.

Garage Stumbling

Jennings, Rashad JAC RB

10.06

114.

Convicts

Burleson, Nate DET WR

10.07

115.

Blinkers On

Miller, Zach SEA TE

10.08

116.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Celek, Brent PHI TE

10.09

117.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Woodhead, Danny NEP RB

10.10

118.

Annihilators

Carter, Delone IND RB (R)

10.11

119.

Cleveland Steamers

Edwards, Braylon SFO WR

10.12

120.

Sugar Daddy’s

Britt, Kenny TEN WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Blinkers On, Pierre Thomas

And the loser: Cleveland Steamers, Braylon Edwards

1:32 PM – With tight ends running thin Steamers reach for an oft-injured Chris Cooley. Remember Steamers, no bonus points are awarded for having a hot wife or exposing your junk on the internet.

1:33 PM – Roy Williams is taken. Poor Roy, his off-season included being jettisoned from the Cowboys and having his girlfriend reject his marriage proposal, but try to keep the $65,000 ring. How bad it that? Well, I am guessing the she contemplated actually marrying him just for the ring, setting him up to cheat on her, divorcing him and getting the ring. But she decided that she couldn’t even bear being married to him for one minute. OUCH!

1:37 PM – Greg Little is selected right before Jordy Nelson. Who the hell is Greg Little and why is he being drafted in the 11th round?

11.01

121.

Sugar Daddy’s

Chargers, San Diego SDC Def

11.02

122.

Cleveland Steamers

Cooley, Chris WAS TE

11.03

123.

Desperados

Bradford, Sam STL QB

11.04

124.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Cassel, Matt KCC QB

11.05

125.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Williams, Roy CHI WR

11.06

126.

Fighting Squirrels

Flacco, Joe BAL QB

11.07

127.

Convicts

Kolb, Kevin ARI QB

11.08

128.

Garage Stumbling

McFadden, Darren OAK RB

11.09

129.

Clive City Council

Ringer, Javon TEN RB

11.10

130.

Desperados

Patriots, New England NEP Def

11.11

131.

The Dark Side

Little, Greg CLE WR (R)

11.12

132.

Blinkers On

Nelson, Jordy GBP WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Convicts, Kevin Kolb

And the loser: Cleveland Steamers, Chris Cooley

1:39 PM – Michael Crabtree nets the 7th “NICE” of the draft. Here’s the deal with Crabtree, he just doesn’t look athletic at all, in fact he looks gangly and un-coordinated (honestly watch him run a route, then watch Andre Johsnon run a route – it’s not close), that it feels like an average athletic corner can completely shut him down. Wow, that 49er team is a mess.

1:40 PM – Whacha talkin’ bout Willis? McGahee is selected, it doesn’t warrant a nice, but it should.

1:42 PM – 12th round is no place for a kicker. Seriously, the difference between the best and worst kicker every year is less than three points a week. And the best kicker changes significantly from year-to-year, i.e. it’s completely random. Need more proof this is too early – the next kicker won’t be taken until the 15th round at the earliest.

1:45 PM – So, Steamers has won this league two straight years? Really, if not for the SeaBass pick, Steamers would have the third straight loser pick with the Emmanuel Sanders. I guess Steamers isn’t too worried about having players available for week one.

12.01

133.

Blinkers On

Ravens, Baltimore BAL Def

12.02

134.

The Dark Side

Crabtree, Michael SFO WR

12.03

135.

Desperados

McGahee, Willis DEN RB

12.04

136.

Clive City Council

Royal, Eddie DEN WR

12.05

137.

Garage Stumbling

Janikowski, Sebastian OAK PK

12.06

138.

Convicts

Eagles, Philadelphia PHI Def

12.07

139.

Fighting Squirrels

Jones, James GBP WR

12.08

140.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Bess, Davone MIA WR

12.09

141.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Helu, Roy WAS RB (R)

12.10

142.

Annihilators

Scott, Bernard CIN RB

12.11

143.

Cleveland Steamers

Sanders, Emmanuel PIT WR

12.12

144.

Sugar Daddy’s

McNabb, Donovan MIN QB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados, Willis McGahee

And the loser: Garage Stumbling, Sebastian Janikowski

1:50 PM – Steamers seems to have sobered up and comes back with a “NICE” pick, Michael Bush.

1:51 PM – Mark Sanchez goes two picks before the biggest Jet fan in the entire world, Da Boyz from NYC. Followed by another “NICE” pick – Steve Breaston, which seems appropriate for him to go to a team called “Show Me Your TD’s”! Why hasn’t board boy modified Show Me Your TD’s name? Is he deathly afraid that “data entry boy” will fulfill his request!

1:53 PM – Clive City adds Chad Henne to form the lethal combination of Henne-to-Marshall. Poor Brandon Marshall.

1:54 PM – Jerome Simpson, whose stats would have qualified him for last season’s fantasy playoff MVP but my guess is nobody outside of Jerome’s immediately family actually started him. From “data entry boy”, “We can’t find him in the list”. Me – “Look under last names beginning with S!”

13.01

145.

Sugar Daddy’s

Driver, Donald GBP WR

13.02

146.

Cleveland Steamers

Bush, Michael OAK RB

13.03

147.

Annihilators

Sanchez, Mark NYJ QB

13.04

148.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Breaston, Steve KCC WR

13.05

149.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Shiancoe, Visanthe MIN TE

13.06

150.

Fighting Squirrels

Saints, New Orleans NOS Def

13.07

151.

Convicts

Ward, Hines PIT WR

13.08

152.

Garage Stumbling

Brown, Ronnie PHI RB

13.09

153.

Clive City Council

Henne, Chad MIA QB

13.10

154.

Desperados

Simpson, Jerome CIN WR

13.11

155.

The Dark Side

Orton, Kyle DEN QB

13.12

156.

Blinkers On

Roethlisberger, Ben PIT QB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Show Me Your TDs, Steve Breaston

And the loser: Clive City Council, Chad Henne

1:58 PM – Cliché man just made another appearance – Sugar Daddy’s was asked what he thought of his team and his chances. “We’re just going to play the games as their scheduled, with the roster we’ve got”. Really, it’s fantasy football, which is now an industry that employees thousands of people who don’t know anything more than my mailman or my dog, go out on a limb and call your shot – “I’ve clearly got the best team and I am looking forward to destroying this league”. I mean really, I’ve never been much of a fantasy trash talker, but maybe it’s time for this league to start running smack. Does it really matter? It’s about 90% luck anyway – Steamers has won two straight titles, but if the Colts don’t take a knee on an undefeated season in 2009, Stumbling Drunk in the Garage is the champ that year. Last year featured a lucky post-season run as well. Therefore, I say run the smack, it makes the league more interesting.

14.01

157.

Blinkers On

Benn, Arrelious TBB WR

14.02

158.

The Dark Side

Finley, Jermichael GBP TE

14.03

159.

Desperados

Miller, Heath PIT TE

14.04

160.

Clive City Council

Gresham, Jermaine CIN TE

14.05

161.

Garage Stumbling

Fitzpatrick, Ryan BUF QB

14.06

162.

Convicts

Robiskie, Brian CLE WR

14.07

163.

Fighting Squirrels

Decker, Eric DEN WR

14.08

164.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Barber, Marion CHI RB

14.09

165.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Williams, Ricky BAL RB

14.10

166.

Annihilators

Roberts, Andre ARI WR

14.11

167.

Cleveland Steamers

Cook, Jared TEN TE

14.12

168.

Sugar Daddy’s

Torain, Ryan WAS RB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Fighting Squirrels, Eric Decker

And the loser: Convicts, Brian Robiskie

2:07 PM – The 15th is the best round of the draft with four of the selections having some real sleeper potential, like position top 15 finish, potential – Jerome Harrison, Detroit Def, Colt McCoy and Aaron Hernandez.

2:08 PM – The ugly part of the round – “Who are Alex Smith and Brian Hartline?”, which is the question to the Jeopardy answer, “These two players, drafted in the 15th round, will be on waivers by week three.”

15.01

169.

Sugar Daddy’s

Hartline, Brian MIA WR

15.02

170.

Cleveland Steamers

Harrison, Jerome DET RB

15.03

171.

Annihilators

Lions, Detroit DET Def

15.04

172.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Moeaki, Tony KCC TE

15.05

173.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Smith, Alex SFO QB

15.06

174.

Fighting Squirrels

Smith, Steve PHI WR

15.07

175.

Convicts

McCoy, Colt CLE QB

15.08

176.

Garage Stumbling

Hernandez, Aaron NEP TE

15.09

177.

Clive City Council

Hester, Devin CHI WR

15.10

178.

Desperados

Snelling, Jason ATL RB

15.11

179.

The Dark Side

Hardesty, Montario CLE RB

15.12

180.

Blinkers On

Graham, Earnest TBB RB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Annihilators, Detroit

And the loser: DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Alex Smith

2:15 PM – A little mini-run on Rams receivers, with Kendricks and Danario Alexander going early in the round.

2:17 PM – The kicker run begins four rounds after Seabass; see I told you so. And ironically it begins with the same owner, Stumbling, who selects Alex Henery of the Eagles. I think they have the kicker spot is covered for them!

2:18 PM – I know it’s the 16th round, but nothing says “lockdown” defense like losing your top four cornerbacks in pre-season, as the Giants did.

16.01

181.

Blinkers On

Ward, Derrick HOU RB

16.02

182.

The Dark Side

Alexander, Danario STL WR

16.03

183.

Desperados

Kendricks, Lance STL TE (R)

16.04

184.

Clive City Council

Hunter, Kendall SFO RB (R)

16.05

185.

Garage Stumbling

Henery, Alex PHI PK (R)

16.06

186.

Convicts

Murray, DeMarco DAL RB (R)

16.07

187.

Fighting Squirrels

Jones, Thomas KCC RB

16.08

188.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Mason, Derrick NYJ WR

16.09

189.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Kaeding, Nate SDC PK

16.10

190.

Annihilators

Crosby, Mason GBP PK

16.11

191.

Cleveland Steamers

Giants, New York NYG Def

16.12

192.

Sugar Daddy’s

Gostkowski, Stephen NEP PK

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados, Lance Kendricks

And the loser: Garage Stumbling, Alex Henery

2:24 PM – Atlanta defense goes first, then Dallas. Yikes, if those two ever see a starting lineup… well, bad things, man, bad things!

2:25 PM – The Cleveland Foursome or Fearsome Steamers or Fearsome Foreskin; I have literally never seen someone completely butcher a name for 17 straight rounds, it’s clearly intentional at this point, which is fine because my intuition tells me that he won’t get the last laugh.

It’s full-fledged kicker or pick off the scrap-heap time.

2:26 PM – Based on Arian Foster’s hamstring, Annihilators may have the steal of the draft in Ben Tate.

2:31 PM – Tood Heap, Todd Heap, did everyone forget about Todd Heap? The Arizona Carindals medical staff won’t forget about him! Regardless, “NICE”!

17.01

193.

Sugar Daddy’s

Falcons, Atlanta ATL Def

17.02

194.

Cleveland Steamers

Cowboys, Dallas DAL Def

17.03

195.

Annihilators

Tate, Ben HOU RB

17.04

196.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Bennett, Earl CHI WR

17.05

197.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Browns, Cleveland CLE Def

17.06

198.

Fighting Squirrels

Rackers, Neil HOU PK

17.07

199.

Convicts

Hartley, Garrett NOS PK

17.08

200.

Garage Stumbling

Moore, Denarius OAK WR (R)

17.09

201.

Clive City Council

Bryant, Matt ATL PK

17.10

202.

Desperados

Sproles, Darren NOS RB

17.11

203.

The Dark Side

Brown, Josh STL PK

17.12

204.

Blinkers On

Heap, Todd ARI TE

Colin Wynner calls winner: Blinkers On, Todd Heap

And the loser: Cleveland Steamers, Dallas Cowboys

2:35 PM – Mercuifully, the draft is about to come to end. Two “NICE” picks in round 18 – Fred Davis, the likely starter in Washington when Cooley can’t get healthy and Bernard Berrian, McNabb’s lone deep threat in Minnesota.

2:38 PM – Show Me You TD’s drafts Dezmon Briscoe, “board boy” asks out loud, “Use it in a sentence, please”. OK, I will give it a shot, “Dezmon Briscoe, filled with vitriol after enduring three hours of incessant diatribe, violently attacks board boy, leaving him motionless in a pool of his own blood!” How is that? Need the origin or a repeat of the word?

That aside, Dezmon Briscoe is the fourth option in an offense that likes to run-first and has a running quarterback, but I guess it’s the 18th.

18.01

205.

Blinkers On

Carpenter, Dan MIA PK

18.02

206.

The Dark Side

Chiefs, Kansas City KCC Def

18.03

207.

Desperados

Feely, Jay ARI PK

18.04

208.

Clive City Council

Smith, Torrey BAL WR (R)

18.05

209.

Garage Stumbling

Jaguars, Jacksonville JAC Def

18.06

210.

Convicts

Davis, Fred WAS TE

18.07

211.

Fighting Squirrels

Berrian, Bernard MIN WR

18.08

212.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC

Folk, Nick NYJ PK

18.09

213.

Show Me Your TDs!!!!

Briscoe, Dezmon TBB WR

18.10

214.

Annihilators

Vereen, Shane NEP RB (R)

18.11

215.

Cleveland Steamers

Cundiff, Billy BAL PK

18.12

216.

Sugar Daddy’s

Gibson, Brandon STL WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Fighting Squirrels, Bernard Berrian

And the loser: Show Me Your TDs, Dezmon Briscoe

2:41 PM – And that be it, while waiting for the next draft here are the playoff, super bowl and total point odds for each team (based on the stat projections for best drafted starting lineup, depth, late season schedule and division):

Odds to Win

Team

Division

Division

Make Playoffs

Super Bowl

Total Points

Clive City Council MONTANA

105

-250

250

250

Annihilators MONTANA

115

-240

275

275

Blinkers On MONTANA

425

375

2000

2500

Fighting Squirrels MONTANA

290

225

1500

1700

Cleveland Steamers NAMATH

100

-275

250

300

DA BOYZ FROM NYC NAMATH

500

175

1100

1400

Garage Stumbling NAMATH

250

100

850

950

The Dark Side NAMATH

225

-125

650

700

Convicts STARR

-110

-300

400

450

Desperados STARR

185

120

750

800

Sugar Daddy’s STARR

550

200

1000

1200

Show Me Your TD’s!!! STARR

105

-150

550

600

3:14 PM – The SFL draft is minutes away and after looking over the board complete with keepers, it’s going to be very interesting at the top. By my count five of the top seven players are keepers – Rodgers, Foster, Charles, Vick and McCoy. What does that mean? Well, if you have pick number three, you’re going to be going number two in your pants! Unless there is a major upset, the top two have to Peterson and Rice. Who is next? My guess is it will be either Andre Johnson or Rashard Mendenhall. But the safest pick there would be Andre.

3:16 PM – Oh, yikes, the commish was just interrupted as he was going over league business. He doesn’t look happy, like he is ready to go Kimbo Slice on the owner, ironically it’s “data entry boy”, who has a team in this draft. I wonder have many of the remaining 12 teams, would jump in and pull the commish off him? My guess is nine teams would turn their head away, and the remaining three would allow it go on for about five minutes and then begrudgingly break it up.

Of course, it could’ve been worse for the commish, he could have had his team heckled for 18 rounds in the prior league draft.

3:18 PM – Next year is the 20th anniversary of this league and the commish mentions that it should be done in Vegas. Sweet – hopefully, they will retain me as the official documenter of draft (oh and pay for my trip, as well). Anyway that is an awesome idea for a league that has been to together this long, but you have to do it right. So, with that as the back drop here are Colin Wynner’s rules for a memorable Vegas Fantasy draft:

First the minimum ground rules to stage such an event:

  • It has to be well-coordinated and planned as though it were a business conference. And the planning needs to start around the first of the year with the “conference” agenda set in stone by the NFL draft.
  • All owners need to commit to attend in person or the trip doesn’t happen. This is a big event, fellas, treat it as such. My guess is these guys have been the one yearly constant in the midst of changing jobs, cities, spouses, sexual orientations and, for a few of you, the yearly change of underwear.

And for a truly memorable experience we do the following:

  • Let’s assume the draft is scheduled for Friday, everyone arrives by Thursday late afternoon and heads to dinner together Thursday night. This is just the owners, no spouses, no kids, etc.
  • The draft order is determined on Friday morning with a little Vegas twist. We will call it the “Casino Cash Grab Power Hour”. Each team is given the task of turning $100 into as much money as they can within an hour. At the end of the hour, the team with the most money gets the first pick, second most, second pick and so on. Here is the catch – you have to donate 50% of your winnings to the league prize pool. For example, you hit a Royal Flush on video poker that pays you $1200, you donate $550 to the prize pool. To break ties you use the golf tournament posting method, first in = last out (or lower pick). That will break any ties. So, if you happen to bust out, lose your $100 on a single bet 28 seconds after competition begins, you post the first $0. You can then spend the next 59:32 rooting for the house against your fellow owners.
  • Entry fee is raised by $75 to $225 a team; with $350 of the extra amount going towards a fully stocked conference room ($22 a head should cover it, even in Vegas) for the draft.
  • Another $350 of additional funds will be used by the owners who finished 13th and 14th in the “Casino Cash Grab Power Hour” game. These two owners are tasked with using the $350 dollars to round up as many hookers as possible. . . I’m KIDDING, just making sure you’re still with me!! Those two owners will take the $350 and place football futures bets. Any money won, including the initial stake, will go to the overall prize pool.
  • Saturday morning, we’re up and out to the golf course for a little 4-man scramble; losers pay for dinner that night.
  • Saturday afternoon, we play an NFL jersey scavenger hunt for the remaining $350. The object of the game is to get a picture with any random person wearing an NFL jersey; points are as follows: 1 point for a picture with random person in an NFL jersey (has to a jersey), 3 points for a picture with a jersey of a player on your SFL roster; bonus points for players drafted in rounds 1 through 5. Every point you get, gets you a piece of the $350.
  • Finally, you get the hotel to bring in a Blackjack table and dealer during the draft, that will give us something to do while waiting for Sidewinders to make their pick!

3:20 PM – Tell me that isn’t a memorable trip and completely worthy of the 20th anniversary of this fine league?

3:22 PM – We are underway, 8 minutes early no less. And boom, boom – AP and Ray Rice go #1 and #2, the next pick is the key pick of the draft and it’s – Andre Johnson. That might be a highest pick record for Andre, bettered the previous draft position of #4.

3:24 PM – Six picks in and we have a lengthy delay. Really, is this that hard? It’s the first round gor goodness sake. And after a three minute delay the pick is Javhid Best. The response from DA BOYZ is “We waited that long. For that?” I caution him that he just open himself up to a comeback of “Yea, I know, but I was having a tough time deciding between Best and your mother, but in the end I remembered that you mother is worthless, so I went with Best!”

3:28 PM – Darren McFadden welcome to the club of fantasy first round picks. Hopefully, he won’t get drunk and embarrass himself at the club dinner!

3:30 PM – DA BOYZ goes Phillip Rivers at #12, wow, what a crazy first round – Best, McFadden, Jennings and Rivers all gone in the first round. Who is left for the second round?

3:33 PM – Hold on, what has gotten into the Desert Dawgs this year? They just drafted Steven Jackson, which is by far their best pick in years.

I am concerned about an 11 minute first round. If these owners are looking like Don Draper after Betty confronted him about “shoe box” in the first round, imagine what they will be like by the 6th round.

1.01

1.

Daemons Peterson, Adrian MIN RB

1.02

2.

Sidewinders Rice, Ray BAL RB

1.03

3.

Fearsome Foursome Johnson, Andre HOU WR

1.04

4.

Convicts Mendenhall, Rashard PIT RB

1.05

5.

Weekend Warriors Jones-Drew, Maurice JAC RB

1.06

6.

The GSW Rule White, Roddy ATL WR

1.07

7.

Ragin Asian Best, Jahvid DET RB

1.08

8.

Avengers Turner, Michael ATL RB

1.09

9.

Desperados McFadden, Darren OAK RB

1.10

10.

Junk Yard Dogs Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR

1.11

11.

BeefGravy AllStars Jennings, Greg GBP WR

1.12

12.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Rivers, Philip SDC QB

1.13

13.

DESERT DAWGZ Jackson, Steven STL RB

1.14

14.

Chefs Brady, Tom NEP QB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Sidewinders, Ray Rice

And the loser: Ragin Asian, Javhid Best

3:35 PM – I am seriously concerned that someone has kidnapped the Desert Dawgs and replaced them with a “fantasy expert” – Drew Brees makes it back-to-back great picks for them. Maybe, just maybe the Dawgs have had their fill of playing .300 ball and being eliminated from the playoff race by week five.

3:37 PM – DA BOYZ smoking on a BLOUNT, as in LeGarrette Blount; with pick #17! Hmm, out on a limb here, but I would be willing to bet that Blount won’t be in the top 17 amongst RB/WR/TE. Better options would’ve been Frank Gore or Matt Forte.

3:39 PM – “I will take, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH …. Matt Ryan”, wow, Junk Yard, maybe you should’ve re-grouped after the third “AH”. Matt Ryan? 2nd round pick? Tiers, anyone? Ahead of Manning, Romo and Schuab.

3:41 PM – Part of what makes this so draft fun is the random competent picks mixed in with the majority of incompetent picks. Like for example, Jahvid Best goes at 7, so you expect that owner to come back in the 2nd round with like a Desean Jackson-type of pick, but then out of nowhere comes Matt Forte. BRILLANT! Never mind that said owner has Best, Forte and Chris Johnson as his first two picks and keeper. Enjoy watching Tavaris Jackson destroy your fantasy season.

3:42 PM – I can tell the Forte pick irritated Cleveland Steamers, er, I mean Fearsome Foreskin, ha ha ha ha, that is sooo funny that I can’t contain my laughter even though I sound like a 12-year old girl, sorry I digress. The pick – Felix Jones. Wow, it looks like after he dominated the league for consecutive seasons the clock is striking midnight for Foursome.

3:45 PM – So, Foursome adds his fourth player, Steve Johnson. Foursome must know something no one else knows, because he just drafted Steve Johnson two rounds too high for the second consecutive draft. It’s safe to assume that there is no bigger Steve Johnson fan this year than Foursome.

Judging by the comments, Steve Johnson might not have been drafted for quite some time – a sampling, “Where does he play, Buffalo?” and “Is he a Wide Receiver?” Yea, I am pretty sure that is other owners way of heckling Fearsome. Unfortunately, Foursome cannot retort because a mere regular season record of 23-3 doesn’t have the weight that back-to-back titles do.

3:47 PM – While waiting the obligatory 3 minutes to pick, Mr. Sidewinder confusingly asks, “Why is Reggie Wayne still available?” That is a great question, why don’t we debate it – right now! What’s another 15-20 minutes amongst friends?

3:48 PM – Mercifully, round 2 comes to end after 13 minutes, at current pace we will be finishing around 10PM and this log will run into the 20K word range.

2.01

15.

Chefs Greene, Shonn NYJ RB

2.02

16.

DESERT DAWGZ Brees, Drew NOS QB

2.03

17.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Blount, LeGarrette TBB RB

2.04

18.

BeefGravy AllStars Johnson, Calvin DET WR

2.05

19.

Junk Yard Dogs Ryan, Matt ATL QB

2.06

20.

Desperados Gore, Frank SFO RB

2.07

21.

Avengers Manning, Peyton IND QB

2.08

22.

Ragin Asian Forte, Matt CHI RB

2.09

23.

Fearsome Foursome Jones, Felix DAL RB

2.10

24.

Weekend Warriors Romo, Tony DAL QB

2.11

25.

Convicts Williams, Mike TBB WR

2.12

26.

Fearsome Foursome Johnson, Steve BUF WR

2.13

27.

Sidewinders Wayne, Reggie IND WR

2.14

28.

Daemons Schaub, Matt HOU QB

Colin Wynner calls winner: BeefGravy AllStars, Calvin Johnson

And the loser: Fearsome Foursome, Steve Johnson

3:52 PM – We just waited three minutes for Ryan Grant to be selected by Sidewinders, quick someone tell him it’s not 2010 and he didn’t just get the steal of the draft.

3:56 PM – Now there is a surprise – Jason Witten goes before Antonio Gates! That’s a bold move, but only bold because we live in a world where everyone plays fantasy football, therefore we are told that Antonio Gates is the best tight end, so as sheep we fall in line. The thing is very few, if any “fantasy experts” ever recap their seasons, and if they do, they rarely mention the bad picks. In 18 weeks, we might look back on Witten ahead of Gates as a no-brainer or Steve Johnson in the second round as a steal!

4:06 PM – 14 minutes to complete round three – I went to a fantasy draft and a Red Sox/Yankee game broke out! Just about every pick is taking longer than the expected time; and to make matters worse round three might have been the most boring round of ho-hum players in the history of any draft. We have to come up with a way to speed up this draft for years 21+, next year no one will care if the “Vegas” draft takes 24 hours to complete.

3.01

29.

Daemons Mathews, Ryan SDC RB

3.02

30.

Sidewinders Grant, Ryan GBP RB

3.03

31.

The GSW Rule Roethlisberger, Ben PIT QB

3.04

32.

Convicts Hillis, Peyton CLE RB

3.05

33.

Weekend Warriors Jackson, DeSean PHI WR

3.06

34.

The GSW Rule Witten, Jason DAL TE

3.07

35.

Ragin Asian Welker, Wes NEP WR

3.08

36.

Avengers Gates, Antonio SDC TE

3.09

37.

Desperados Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG RB

3.10

38.

Junk Yard Dogs Moreno, Knowshon DEN RB

3.11

39.

BeefGravy AllStars Austin, Miles DAL WR

3.12

40.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Clark, Dallas IND TE

3.13

41.

DESERT DAWGZ Colston, Marques NOS WR

3.14

42.

Chefs Holmes, Santonio NYJ WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Chefs, Santonio Holmes

And the loser: Sidewinders, Ryan Grant

4:07 PM – Nice job by Chefs taking Mark Ingram at the top of the 4th round instead of the bottom of the 3rd. At least you open Ingram up to being a potential keeper, you know if you want to keep a guy who rushes for 700 yards and 3 TDs.

4:08 PM – Ah, there is the Desert Dawgs I know and love – Rob Gronkowski in the 4th round, with Jermichael Finley available. Here boys and girls we see the difference between a bold choice and a flat out bad one. The only way Gronk out-scores Finley is if a series of random events occur that cannot possibly being predicted/expected, or even assumed. I am so confident that if both players play a full season and the Gronk out-scores Finley, I will a plate full of Gronk droppings.

4:13 PM – Is it too early to think we are witnessing the fantasy football draft equivalent of a baseball perfect game? Since I make the rules for this log it’s not too early; Desperados make a trade to move up and pluck Jermichael Finley right before Avengers, who undoubtedly would have taken him. Great, great move, you can tell right now that Despo has great stuff today. Several reasons this is a great move – 1. Finley is a beast; 2. Desperados roster is four deep with players capable of the “no effing way game” (Nicks, Gore, McFadden and Finley); 3. He didn’t give up the farm – 5th/6th round picks for 4th/8th; (we will see what this turns out to be in terms of players but I would guess it will be something like Johnny Knox/Jonathon Stewart for Finley and probably a lockdown defense. Hmm, yea I’d do that deal; 4. The other owners, who are paying attention, are furious with this deal.

4:15 PM – Random things you love to hear at your fantasy draft, “Does Arian Foster play in Atlanta?” Uh, buddy, do you have friends, who have a large amount of disposable income and love fantasy football?

4:17 PM – The round ends with a mini-run on WR, in order, Bowe, Boldin, Dez Bryant, Lloyd, Manningham and Ocho. Of that group Manningham will stand out, nice pick Sidewinders even if you had to quadruple check all 23 sheets you brought to the draft before making the selection.

4.01

43.

Chefs Ingram, Mark NOS RB (R)

4.02

44.

DESERT DAWGZ Gronkowski, Rob NEP TE

4.03

45.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Maclin, Jeremy PHI WR

4.04

46.

BeefGravy AllStars Bush, Reggie MIA RB

4.05

47.

Junk Yard Dogs Finley, Jermichael GBP TE

4.06

48.

Desperados Nicks, Hakeem NYG WR

4.07

49.

Avengers Bowe, Dwayne KCC WR

4.08

50.

Ragin Asian Boldin, Anquan BAL WR

4.09

51.

Fearsome Foursome Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB

4.10

52.

Weekend Warriors Bryant, Dez DAL WR

4.11

53.

Convicts Lloyd, Brandon DEN WR

4.12

54.

The GSW Rule Foster, Arian HOU RB

4.13

55.

Sidewinders Manningham, Mario NYG WR

4.14

56.

Daemons Ochocinco, Chad NEP WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados, Jermichael Finley

And the loser: Desert Dawgs, Rob Gronkowski

4:19 PM – Break time? Really, haven’t there been enough breaks waiting for people to pick?

4:30 PM – Sidewinders with great consternation states, “I don’t want to do this this early”. Hmm, is he talking about making a pick within a reasonable time or taking a player 10 rounds too early? It’s the latter; Joe Flacco is the early pick! In fairness, there are not a lot of quarterback options left.

4:35 PM – Remember the above trade, well, piece one of the deal is Johnny Knox. So, right now we have Finley for Knox.

4:39 PM – A common theme – DeAngelo Williams falling to the 5th round. DeAngelo will finish in the top 10 amongst RBs this season. Compare and contrast the last two picks – DeAngelo Williams and Daniel Thomas. Barring injury we might see the biggest gap between two players drafted one spot apart in the history of fantasy football. There should be some reward for have the distinction of drafting a player in the middle of a “Steamer”. We can call it “Finding a diamond in a fresh steamer”. Let me think about the parameters.

5.01

57.

Daemons Marshall, Brandon MIA WR

5.02

58.

Sidewinders Flacco, Joe BAL QB

5.03

59.

The GSW Rule Addai, Joseph IND RB

5.04

60.

Convicts Stafford, Matthew DET QB

5.05

61.

Weekend Warriors Williams, DeAngelo CAR RB

5.06

62.

Fearsome Foursome Thomas, Daniel MIA RB (R)

5.07

63.

Ragin Asian Britt, Kenny TEN WR

5.08

64.

Avengers Harvin, Percy MIN WR

5.09

65.

Junk Yard Dogs Green-Ellis, BenJarvus NEP RB

5.10

66.

Junk Yard Dogs Knox, Johnny CHI WR

5.11

67.

BeefGravy AllStars Lynch, Marshawn SEA RB

5.12

68.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Benson, Cedric CIN RB

5.13

69.

DESERT DAWGZ Stewart, Jonathan CAR RB

5.14

70.

Chefs Jackson, Vincent SDC WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Weekend Warriors, DeAngelo Williams

And the loser: Junk Yard Dogs, Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis

4:41 PM – JEWELio Jones was just selected.

4:42 PM – You know the best way to prevent a run on defenses or kickers? Draft one of those positions too early – BeefGravy takes the Steelers defense in the 6th and no one bothers to follow suit.

4:43 PM – In an on-going story, we have another piece of the puzzle to fill in the blanks of the above trade, Brandon Jacobs. Wow, this has the potential to get very ugly if that 8th round pick by Desperados has a pulse.

6.01

71.

Chefs Jones, Julio ATL WR (R)

6.02

72.

DESERT DAWGZ Driver, Donald GBP WR

6.03

73.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Spiller, C.J. BUF RB

6.04

74.

BeefGravy AllStars Steelers, Pittsburgh PIT Def

6.05

75.

Junk Yard Dogs Jacobs, Brandon NYG RB

6.06

76.

Junk Yard Dogs Kolb, Kevin ARI QB

6.07

77.

Avengers Wells, Chris ARI RB

6.08

78.

Ragin Asian Johnson, Chris TEN RB

6.09

79.

Fearsome Foursome Thomas, Mike JAC WR

6.10

80.

Weekend Warriors Pettigrew, Brandon DET TE

6.11

81.

Convicts Collie, Austin IND WR

6.12

82.

The GSW Rule Moore, Lance NOS WR

6.13

83.

Sidewinders Wallace, Mike PIT WR

6.14

84.

Daemons Evans, Lee BAL WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Convicts, Austin Collie

And the loser: Desert Dawgz, Donald Driver

4:45 PM – The pace is picking up. Ok, so for the “Finding a diamond in a fresh steamer” award here is what has to happen

  • We take the two previous players drafted at the same position and the next two players at the position drafted.
  • The player in the middle must out-score the two players drafted before combined AND the two players drafted after combined

I think that pretty much sums up Fantasy Football – you need luck (two players selected before both suck, thus taking away the chance of drafting them) and skill (two players after were bypassed).

Now has it ever happened? Off the top of my head, my best guess would be Randy Moss in 2007. Nope! Moss scored 384 points that year. The two WR drafted before him, Javon Walker and Roy Williams scored a combined 237. The two after him Houshmandzadeh and Colston combined for 551 points.

According to my crack research team, it happened in 2009 – pick #55 was running back Thomas Jones, who scored 216 points that season. Picks 43 and 44 were Larry Johnson and Lendale White, respectively and they combined to socre 100.50 points, CHECK. Picks 58 and 60 were Marshawn Lynch and Willie Parker, who combined to score 125.15 points, CHECK. Congrats to Convicts, in the 4th round no less!

4:49 PM – The perfecto for Desperados is intact! They’re living the dream right now; everything is falling into their laps. Owen Daniels falls to them after Kellen Winslow is taken just ahead of them. He has Daniels and Finley at tight end, in a league where TE receptions are worth twice WR receptions. Ugh!

4:52 PM – Nice job, Pierre! Thomas that is! Thomas is taken 47 overall picks and 14 running backs after Mark Ingram and barring injury, my guess is Thomas will be within that range at the end of the season. Fearsome has taken three straight players with the last name of Thomas. Watch out for Thurman Thomas in the 8th round.

7.01

85.

Daemons Winslow, Kellen TBB TE

7.02

86.

Desperados Daniels, Owen HOU TE

7.03

87.

The GSW Rule Ward, Hines PIT WR

7.04

88.

Convicts Moss, Santana WAS WR

7.05

89.

Weekend Warriors Jackson, Fred BUF RB

7.06

90.

Fearsome Foursome Thomas, Pierre NOS RB

7.07

91.

Ragin Asian Crabtree, Michael SFO WR

7.08

92.

Avengers Sims-Walker, Mike STL WR

7.09

93.

Sidewinders Burress, Plaxico NYJ WR

7.10

94.

Junk Yard Dogs Hightower, Tim WAS RB

7.11

95.

BeefGravy AllStars Lewis, Marcedes JAC TE

7.12

96.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Meachem, Robert NOS WR

7.13

97.

DESERT DAWGZ Tomlinson, LaDainian NYJ RB

7.14

98.

Chefs Gonzalez, Tony ATL TE

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados, Owen Daniels

And the loser: Avengers, Mike Sims-Walker

5:04 PM – And there is the second defense, the Eagles, followed closely by the Packers and the Ravens.

Hmm, not sure about the Ravens, they’re getting a little long in the tooth, but four games against the Browns and Bengals certainly doesn’t hurt.

5:06 PM – And we can close the book on the JYD/Desperados trade – Finley/Josh Freeman for Brandon Jacobs and Johnny Knox. Well, pretty much all day long JYD has been using a voice inflection that would make RIP Taylor sound like Andre the Giant. And well let’s just leave it at – it seems fitting considering what happened to JYD on this trade!

5:12 PM – Maybe there is something to double, triple checking before you make your pick – Sidewinders with a “NICE” pick – Zach Miller.

8.01

99.

Chefs Eagles, Philadelphia PHI Def

8.02

100.

DESERT DAWGZ Williams, Ricky BAL RB

8.03

101.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC McCoy, LeSean PHI RB

8.04

102.

BeefGravy AllStars Bush, Michael OAK RB

8.05

103.

Desperados Freeman, Josh TBB QB

8.06

104.

Desperados Smith, Steve CAR WR

8.07

105.

Avengers Packers, Green Bay GBP Def

8.08

106.

Ragin Asian Massaquoi, Mohamed CLE WR

8.09

107.

Fearsome Foursome Ravens, Baltimore BAL Def

8.10

108.

Weekend Warriors Rice, Sidney SEA WR

8.11

109.

Convicts Graham, Jimmy NOS TE

8.12

110.

The GSW Rule Williams, Roy CHI WR

8.13

111.

Sidewinders Miller, Zach SEA TE

8.14

112.

Daemons Davis, Vernon SFO TE

Colin Wynner calls winner: Sidewinders, Zach Miller

And the loser: Ragin Asian, Mohamed Massaquoi

5:14 PM – Desperados is at it again, this is literally Boston Rob on last season’s survivor, he is making us look like a bunch of first-timers. A.J. Green in the 9th round, who will end up being his keeper for the next two years and probably a top 10 WR each season.

5:18 PM – Darren Sproles in 9th round? Come on, are you really going to play Sproles in anything more than a backup/bye week flll-in role? In a vacuum it’s a nice pick because Sproles will probably score equal to where he was drafted, but most likely he will have three games where he scores the majority of his points, good luck finding those three games.

5:22 PM – DA BOYZ get the Jets defense, little does he know that the Jets will give up 30 points in every game this season!

9.01

113.

Daemons Chargers, San Diego SDC Def

9.02

114.

Desperados Green, A.J. CIN WR (R)

9.03

115.

The GSW Rule Sproles, Darren NOS RB

9.04

116.

Convicts Charles, Jamaal KCC RB

9.05

117.

Weekend Warriors Keller, Dustin NYJ TE

9.06

118.

Fearsome Foursome Branch, Deion NEP WR

9.07

119.

Ragin Asian Manning, Eli NYG QB

9.08

120.

Avengers Starks, James GBP RB

9.09

121.

Sidewinders Jennings, Rashad JAC RB

9.10

122.

Junk Yard Dogs Jones, James GBP WR

9.11

123.

BeefGravy AllStars Celek, Brent PHI TE

9.12

124.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Jets, New York NYJ Def

9.13

125.

DESERT DAWGZ Bears, Chicago CHI Def

9.14

126.

Chefs McGahee, Willis DEN RB

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados,A.J. Green

And the loser: BeefGravy AllStars, Brent Celek

5:35 PM – Another 10 minute break to allow a few select owners to go puff on a cancer stick.

5:36 PM – Nice job, Pierre! Garcon. We simply do not have enough NFL players named Pierre!

5:37 PM – With the explosion of fantasy football in the media and on the web, I think the time has come for saavy fantasy players to incorporate “bluffing” into their repertoire. Here is a “bluffing” scenario:

  • Let’s say you no interest in drafting Peyton Hillis, so you obviously want someone else to take him; you quietly mention to a friend, but make sure you’re within earshot of an owner who has a pick coming up, “Hey, I can’t believe this guy is still available.” Next, “Is he hurt?” Then much more quietly and mostly inaudible, “He is next for me”. Pause for about thirty seconds, shake your head in disbelief and then the hook, “I cannot believe Hillis is still there, I might approach owner X about a trade to move up and get him”. Most importantly, when your target takes the bait and drafts Hillis, you have to act like the world has just come to end – stare at him, shake your head disapprovingly and make faces like your constipated. You will know have that owner in the bag for the rest of the draft.

Why will the above work? Well, since there is no such thing as a fantasy expert, we are all idiots or experts depending on the pick and that can vary wildly from pick to pick. Therefore every fantasy owner wants an approval and respect from fellow owners, so if you think you just hi-jacked another owners draft, it makes the draft for the hi-jacking owner.

5:39 PM – Uh no, the perfect game by Desperados is over, Malcolm Floyd is the pick that breaks it up. Look for all intents and purposes, Floyd is a fine pick, right? He is a freaky athlete and the number two receiver on a very explosive offense, so it seems like a great pick. But here’s the deal with Floyd, this will be his eighth season and we keep waiting for him to break out based on the factors above. Guess what? It’s not going to happen, he just doesn’t have it.

10.01

127.

Chefs Cassel, Matt KCC QB

10.02

128.

DESERT DAWGZ Heap, Todd ARI TE

10.03

129.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Garcon, Pierre IND WR

10.04

130.

BeefGravy AllStars Cutler, Jay CHI QB

10.05

131.

Junk Yard Dogs Tolbert, Mike SDC RB

10.06

132.

Desperados Floyd, Malcom SDC WR

10.07

133.

Avengers Snelling, Jason ATL RB

10.08

134.

Ragin Asian Cooley, Chris WAS TE

10.09

135.

Fearsome Foursome Olsen, Greg CAR TE

10.10

136.

Weekend Warriors Edwards, Braylon SFO WR

10.11

137.

Convicts Lions, Detroit DET Def

10.12

138.

The GSW Rule Patriots, New England NEP Def

10.13

139.

Sidewinders Giants, New York NYG Def

10.14

140.

Daemons Nelson, Jordy GBP WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Fearsome Foursome, Greg Olsen

And the loser: Desperados, Malcom Floyd

5:44 PM – I am watching the NFL Network as they cut to different pre-season games with highlights and selected live periods. It has me wondering if that should (or does) influence owners in a real-time way. For example, the Dallas defense just scored a touchdown, does an owner see that and then star or otherwise move them up? I say “yes” owners will do that, though seemingly impossible to track, I am going to track the following players who have done something spectacular in the last 15 minutes:

  • Dallas defense, probably should not be drafted or drafted late
  • Bernard Berrian, every time I look up Berrian is being targeted, that should be mean he will be drafted very soon!
  • Steve Johnson, Oh wait, some ass-clown already drafted him based on his future performance in this pre-season game. Foursome might consider waiting for the highlight of the Steve Johnson 52-yard touchdown and then immediately try to trade him for the “picked” value.
  • Antonio Brown – two touchdowns in a span of about 12 minutes, he definitely will be drafted shortly.
  • Nate Burleson – just caught a touchdown pass; should be drafted soon

5:49 PM – Kansas City defense? Really? Good luck with that!

11.01

141.

Daemons Brown, Ronnie PHI RB

11.02

142.

Sidewinders Torain, Ryan WAS RB

11.03

143.

The GSW Rule Bess, Davone MIA WR

11.04

144.

Convicts Bradford, Sam STL QB

11.05

145.

Weekend Warriors Chiefs, Kansas City KCC Def

11.06

146.

Fearsome Foursome Benn, Arrelious TBB WR

11.07

147.

Ragin Asian Saints, New Orleans NOS Def

11.08

148.

Avengers Simpson, Jerome CIN WR

11.09

149.

Desperados Little, Greg CLE WR (R)

11.10

150.

Junk Yard Dogs Shiancoe, Visanthe MIN TE

11.11

151.

BeefGravy AllStars Barber, Marion CHI RB

11.12

152.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Mason, Derrick NYJ WR

11.13

153.

DESERT DAWGZ Breaston, Steve KCC WR

11.14

154.

Chefs Hester, Devin CHI WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Avengers, Jerome Simpson

And the loser: Weekend Warriors, Kansas City

5:49 PM – Boom, boom – Dallas Defense and Nate Burleson off the board after pre-season fantasy success is displayed on live TV.

5:51 PM – “Steve Slaton”, is he still in the league? Well, you just never know – I just watched Arian Foster limp off the field with a hamstring injury. That is not a good sign, second time in three weeks his hammy has given him problems. And you never know when Derrick Ward will get hurt. And Ben Tate is brittle and could go down. And if all that happens, Slaton might get a shot to be in a time share with a guy like Clinton Portis.

5:55 PM – I love Jerome Harrison this season for a few reasons – 1. He never got much of a chance last year after being injured and then having Hillis go nuts; 2. Jahvid Best is the 2011 version of the late 90s “Fragile Freddy”; and 3. Even if Best stays healthy, Harrison will get a fair share of carries to keep Best fresh!

“Best Fresh” – that’s catchy!

5:59 PM – GSW Rule is protecting his investment in Arian Foster by selecting Ben Tate, the third sting running back in Houston.

12.01

155.

Chefs Jones, Jacoby HOU WR

12.02

156.

DESERT DAWGZ Cowboys, Dallas DAL Def

12.03

157.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Burleson, Nate DET WR

12.04

158.

BeefGravy AllStars Ford, Jacoby OAK WR

12.05

159.

Junk Yard Dogs Taylor, Chester CHI RB

12.06

160.

Desperados Fitzpatrick, Ryan BUF QB

12.07

161.

Avengers Sanchez, Mark NYJ QB

12.08

162.

Ragin Asian Slaton, Steve HOU RB

12.09

163.

Fearsome Foursome Harrison, Jerome DET RB

12.10

164.

Weekend Warriors McNabb, Donovan MIN QB

12.11

165.

Convicts Roberts, Andre ARI WR

12.12

166.

The GSW Rule Tate, Ben HOU RB

12.13

167.

Sidewinders Orton, Kyle DEN QB

12.14

168.

Daemons Williams, Mike SEA WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Fearsome Foursome, Jerome Harrison

And the loser: Ragin Asian, Steve Slaton

6:00 PM – We need to implement 1 minute per pick rules, with the NFL rule that if your time runs out the next team can sneak in front of you and make a pick.

6:03 PM – It’s the 13th round, so let the run on kickers begin . . . UGH! Not one but two owners draft a kicker in this round – Nate Kaeding first, then SeaBass.

SeaBass might have one of the more punch-able faces in the NFL, maybe the world. You know the kind of face that you cannot focus on what they’re saying because you want to “plant one of these right in their grill”, similar to what Derek Huff’s business partner wanted to do to Brennan Huff in Step Brothers.

Hmmm, that gets me thinking about punch-able faces. DA BOYZ and I are discussing in between 13th round picks. We list the obvious names – Belichick, Brady, A-Rod, Jeter, Girardi, Favre, etc. But then we move to actual punch-able faces, guys un-related to sports hatred. My list starts and ends with Judd Nelson. Ever Breakfast Club was released
I have wanted to fight that guy! It has to be because of that smarmy look or his voice or maybe the fact that he was a terrible actor. And he always casted as the alpha male, when the reality was he is closer to the nose-pickin, nerd than the school bully.

DA BOYZ agrees that he would own an inflatable, Jedd Nelson punching bag (you know the one with a sand pouch at the bottom, but he adds his own – a couple of Nelson’s cohorts in the “Brat Pack”– Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. Oh, yea, that is the triumvirate of early 90s punch-able faces.

After that brief little run of those “Brat Pack” movies, the only one of those three that has done anything outside of ABC Family is Spader, who had a significant role on Boston Legal.

All right, I looked it up, remember Nelson was always cast as the alpha male, yet here are the stats for each:

Spader 5′ 10″

Nelson 5′ 10″

McCarthy 5′ 9″

Now, if you asked me to guess the heights of those guys – I would have guessed Nelson 6’2″ and the other guys 5′ 8″ or so. Not that a guy 5’10” can’t be an alpha male, just Nelson can’t be. I also have to mention that of the three only the aged Spader still has a freakin’ crazy punch-able face. The other two are still punch-able, but not ape-turds punchable like Spader.

Back to the draft – surprisingly only three picks were made during that dissertation!

13.01

169.

Daemons McCluster, Dexter KCC RB

13.02

170.

Sidewinders Kaeding, Nate SDC PK

13.03

171.

The GSW Rule Carter, Delone IND RB (R)

13.04

172.

Convicts Helu, Roy WAS RB (R)

13.05

173.

Weekend Warriors Forsett, Justin SEA RB

13.06

174.

Fearsome Foursome McCoy, Colt CLE QB

13.07

175.

Ragin Asian Vereen, Shane NEP RB (R)

13.08

176.

Avengers Janikowski, Sebastian OAK PK

13.09

177.

Desperados Woodhead, Danny NEP RB

13.10

178.

Junk Yard Dogs Rams, St. Louis STL Def

13.11

179.

BeefGravy AllStars Higgins, Johnnie Lee PHI WR

13.12

180.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Smith, Alex SFO QB

13.13

181.

DESERT DAWGZ Garrard, David JAC QB

13.14

182.

Chefs Jones, Thomas KCC RB

Colin Wynner calls winner: GSW Rule, Delone Carter

And the loser: Sidewwinders, Nate Kaeding

6:19 PM – 12,000 + words, so we are switching to rapid fire, running log time.

6:23 PM – The 14th round will forever be known as the round of the TE! Here are some bold predictions on these TEs

  • Lance Kendricks will lead the Rams in receptions and receiving TDs
  • Heath Miller will be Heath Miller, adequate at times, great at times, Karl Malone in the NBA Finals at times
  • Aaron Hernandez, I’ve already made the prediction that he will easily out-perform the Gronk. Boldly, I predict that Hernandez will dropped by week three, picked by week six and lead all TEs in fantasy points over the last six weeks of the season
  • Jared Cook – I like him, Hasselbeck loves to hit (shame on you, I mean throw to) the TE. And if/when the Locker gets on the field, he will be so confused that he will dump off to the TE roughly a 100 times a game.
  • Ben Watson – I like Evan Moore MOORE, but Colt McCoy is going to be among the top 10 quarterbacks by year’s end and he has to throw to someone.
  • Jermaine Gresham – Again a big, pass catching TE is a rookie quarterback’s best friend.

14.01

183.

Chefs Falcons, Atlanta ATL Def

14.02

184.

DESERT DAWGZ Brown, Josh STL PK

14.03

185.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Hernandez, Aaron NEP TE

14.04

186.

BeefGravy AllStars Vick, Michael PHI QB

14.05

187.

Junk Yard Dogs Hartley, Garrett NOS PK

14.06

188.

Desperados Miller, Heath PIT TE

14.07

189.

Avengers Cook, Jared TEN TE

14.08

190.

Ragin Asian Watson, Ben CLE TE

14.09

191.

Fearsome Foursome Kendricks, Lance STL TE (R)

14.10

192.

Weekend Warriors Ringer, Javon TEN RB

14.11

193.

Convicts Murray, DeMarco DAL RB (R)

14.12

194.

The GSW Rule Gresham, Jermaine CIN TE

14.13

195.

Sidewinders Royal, Eddie DEN WR

14.14

196.

Daemons Gostkowski, Stephen NEP PK

Colin Wynner calls winner: DA BOYZ FROM NYC, Aaron Hernandez

And the loser: Chefs, Atlanta Falcons

6:36 PM – There is Antonio Brown, by who else but Desperado, who is finishing up a one-hitter with 17 Ks.

6:39 PM – I got to have a Cardinal, give me LaRod Stephens-Howling. Umm, ok!

6:41 PM – The Cardinals defense, or lack thereof goes in the 15th.

15.01

197.

Daemons Brown, Donald IND RB

15.02

198.

Sidewinders Hardesty, Montario CLE RB

15.03

199.

The GSW Rule Amendola, Danny STL WR

15.04

200.

Convicts Robiskie, Brian CLE WR

15.05

201.

Weekend Warriors Bironas, Rob TEN PK

15.06

202.

Fearsome Foursome Moore, Denarius OAK WR (R)

15.07

203.

Ragin Asian Rackers, Neil HOU PK

15.08

204.

Avengers Armstrong, Anthony WAS WR

15.09

205.

Desperados Brown, Antonio PIT WR

15.10

206.

Junk Yard Dogs Cardinals, Arizona ARI Def

15.11

207.

BeefGravy AllStars Vinatieri, Adam IND PK

15.12

208.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Browns, Cleveland CLE Def

15.13

209.

DESERT DAWGZ Stephens-Howling, LaRod ARI RB

15.14

210.

Chefs Beckum, Travis NYG TE

Colin Wynner calls winner: Desperados, Antonio Brown

And the loser: Junk Yard Dogs, Arizona Cardinals

6:43 PM – Round 16, the end is near. These are the rounds for PK, backup Defenses and fliers. Unfortunately, a couple teams are still looking weekly starters.

6:47 PM – I love the Fred Davis pick by Convicts; Cooley is on his last leg, literally.

16.01

211.

Chefs Crosby, Mason GBP PK

16.02

212.

DESERT DAWGZ Feely, Jay ARI PK

16.03

213.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Folk, Nick NYJ PK

16.04

214.

BeefGravy AllStars Murphy, Louis OAK WR

16.05

215.

Junk Yard Dogs Bryant, Matt ATL PK

16.06

216.

Desperados Henery, Alex PHI PK (R)

16.07

217.

Avengers 49ers, San Francisco SFO Def

16.08

218.

Ragin Asian Hunter, Kendall SFO RB (R)

16.09

219.

Fearsome Foursome Moeaki, Tony KCC TE

16.10

220.

Weekend Warriors Lindell, Rian BUF PK

16.11

221.

Convicts Davis, Fred WAS TE

16.12

222.

The GSW Rule Suisham, Shaun PIT PK

16.13

223.

Sidewinders Cundiff, Billy BAL PK

16.14

224.

Daemons Walter, Kevin HOU WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Convicts, Fred Davis

And the loser: Weekend Warriors, Rian Lindell

6:49 PM – Nice round here. Cam Newton, Andy Dalton give a couple teams a chance a high round keeper. Berrian in the 17th, is all based on his performance tonight.

Last quick tangent – I want to put together a new type of fantasy league, where the draft takes place right before week seven. The catch – you play a full fantasy schedule beginning in week one and you cannot drop a player drafted for three weeks. Before the first pick, you already have six games that will need to be back played. This adds levels of strategy and complexity that simply do not exist in the standard snake draft.

You have to decide how early to draft a player who might nothing more than a one-week wonder. You have to decide between those big points in one single and points going forward. For example, Jason Snelling scored 98.65 points last season, but 37.85 of those points came in week two. If an owner takes Snelling early, the owner who played him, might have to adjust to get enough points to beat him in week two or decide to give that game up.

Six back-dated games are enough that you simply cannot draft the best possible team going forward and be guaranteed to compete.

Anybody want IN?

17.01

225.

Daemons Dalton, Andy CIN QB (R)

17.02

226.

Sidewinders Campbell, Jason OAK QB

17.03

227.

The GSW Rule Henne, Chad MIA QB

17.04

228.

Convicts Longwell, Ryan MIN PK

17.05

229.

Weekend Warriors Gibson, Brandon STL WR

17.06

230.

Fearsome Foursome Berrian, Bernard MIN WR

17.07

231.

Ragin Asian Newton, Cam CAR QB (R)

17.08

232.

Avengers Buehler, David DAL PK

17.09

233.

Desperados Texans, Houston HOU Def

17.10

234.

Junk Yard Dogs Bennett, Earl CHI WR

17.11

235.

BeefGravy AllStars Schilens, Chaz OAK WR

17.12

236.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Decker, Eric DEN WR

17.13

237.

DESERT DAWGZ Choice, Tashard DAL RB

17.14

238.

Chefs Ridley, Stevan NEP RB (R)

Colin Wynner calls winner: Fearsome Foursome, Bernard Berrian

And the loser: Sidewinders, Jason Campbell

6:58 PM – So, I lied one more fantasy league pitch for you.

A combo fantasy/survivor league. The setup is like a normal league with divisions, head-to-head schedule, playoffs, etc. The catch – you can submit any legal lineup you want any week, but you can only use each player once per season.

Again, the strategy and complexity go well beyond that of a normal league, with the added bonus of you don’t have to prepare for the draft.

18.01

239.

Chefs Leshoure, Mikel DET RB (R)

18.02

240.

DESERT DAWGZ Rodgers, Jacquizz ATL RB (R)

18.03

241.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC Scott, Bernard CIN RB

18.04

242.

BeefGravy AllStars Boss, Kevin OAK TE

18.05

243.

Junk Yard Dogs Fasano, Anthony MIA TE

18.06

244.

Desperados Douglas, Harry ATL WR

18.07

245.

Avengers Williams, Carnell STL RB

18.08

246.

Ragin Asian Cotchery, Jerricho PIT WR

18.09

247.

Fearsome Foursome Gould, Robbie CHI PK

18.10

248.

Weekend Warriors Buccaneers, Tampa Bay TBB Def

18.11

249.

Convicts Shipley, Jordan CIN WR

18.12

250.

The GSW Rule Smith, Steve PHI WR

18.13

251.

Sidewinders Sanders, Emmanuel PIT WR

18.14

252.

Daemons Cribbs, Josh CLE WR

Colin Wynner calls winner: Daemons, Josh Cribbs

And the loser: Junk Yard Dogs, Anthony Fasano

7:05 PM – The marathon draft running log has, finally, come to an end.

Here are the playoff, super bowl and total point odds for each team (based on the stat projections for best drafted starting lineup, depth, late season schedule and division):

Odds to Win

Team

Division

Division

Make Playoffs

Super Bowl

Total Points

Convicts NORTH

100

-275

300

325

Daemons NORTH

125

-125

450

500

Ragin Asian NORTH

150

120

850

950

Junk Yard Dogs NORTH

275

250

2000

3000

Desert Dawgs NORTH

400

350

3000

3500

Beef Gravy All-Stars CENTRAL

-120

-300

250

250

Avengers CENTRAL

110

-150

600

650

Weekend Warriors CENTRAL

200

100

1000

1200

Sidewinders CENTRAL

250

150

1250

1500

Chefs CENTRAL

450

350

1800

2000

Desperados SOUTH

115

-175

350

500

GSW Rule SOUTH

125

-150

450

600

DA BOYZ FROM NYC SOUTH

150

-125

700

1000

Fearsome Foursome SOUTH

150

-125

900

1200